Slowing down

I have been sitting with so much resistance as to allow myself to be and show up in a way that is needed for my soul. Since I have been back from South Africa, I have been wanting to go on my usual routine, like it used to be before I travelled home. And I promised myself before I left for SA, that this time it would be different. This time SA won’t mess with my head, or my emotions. No, I am solid in my feeling and how I do life in LA.

Silly of me to think that such a big trip won’t influence me in any way. Who am I to try and go against what my soul is asking me for? i get influenced. yup.   That is what happens to me on a daily basis. I get so absorbed with the moment, my surroundings, and the people I am with, that I forget all about my path, or my previous commitment, or dream, or intention. Where do I go?   The ‘I’ simply disappears, dissolving into its surroundings. And then all of a sudden I am on a new path, and a new pursuit.  

Then as I walk on this new path, into a whole new direction, something at one point make me stop. In that moment, as I take stock of the happenings of my life, I realize, oh. Wait. Wasn’t there something I wanted to do, then? Was that dream I had just last month not important anymore? Oh. Now that I think about it, it actually still is. Now what? I ask myself. Where do I go from here?

I am halfway on my way navigating South, and I also, not long ago was halfway navigating North. And my passion lies in both directions. And no, as much as I have tried it over and over again, I am not able to navigate both. Yes, I guess I am human after all.   And so this confusion has me paralyzed, and then my ability to move forward has left the building. And here we are. On a pause. Then my mind decides to take over and run the show.

My mind keeps tugging on this idea that I need to DO something. What? I would ask it. I am at a crossroad. Anything! it would insist. And so I would get up, and start DOING. Then stop, because I can’t focus. Then force myself again, then stop. Tick Tock… hours later, watching the sun vanishing over the horizon, and nothing has been accomplished. And I have been busy. Super busy. With what?   I simply can’t answer that.

Nothing, yet everything. Walking circles around myself. Running into myself. Voices and stories circling over and over in my mind. I should….. I must…… I can’t….. I don’t know…..   What is the chase? I ask myself.   What would it take for me to stop. To slow down. To sit. And be. Watch. Feel. Allow.   Once I feel that connection to God, then, I take this long beautiful exhale. And I feel my nervous system relaxes a bit. It is then that I look up, and see the beauty of this day.

The birds singing in my garden. The energy pulsing through my body. And then as I begin to feel this beauty. I discover my heart is actually quite open.   I sometimes forget how much I actually accomplish and do in a day. More than most. What would happen if I were to loosen my grip on this need to DO and control every second of my day? What if i can choose consciously to do less, and get more things done? What if I have been going about it all wrong?

What if being, will allow me to then get to do the things that is of most important? I get to be with my soul for a bit. Then listen to what she has to say. To then move from that place of connection, purpose and clarity. My mind is constantly receiving information. It is hard to keep up with it, with myself in that way. It seems crucial I get a grip on it, and slow it down. Daily, or I continue running circles around myself.

And yes, information something through it is quite genius, and important. yet I am only human. I need to slow it down. Let my soul tell me in which direction to direct my life into. So the magic can begins.   Getting quiet to listen. Getting quiet to discover the best path.

Getting quiet to allow myself to experience the magic of each moment.

Love

My night was long. I was lying awake, consciously drifting in time and space from one reality to another. As if I were asleep. This time though I was somewhat conscious. Drifting in and out of consciousness. Just barely conscious yet enough to know that I was. I had glimpses of my mind talking, demanding I try and get some sleep for the day will bring things that would demand my energy, my brain power and my physical strength.

Those whispers were soft, too soft. I didn’t obey.

I felt like drifting, surrendering into the vast deep layers of my unconscious and continue my watch seeing where it was guiding me to. I did eventually fell asleep. I know that much because I ‘woke up’ a couple of hours earlier than I set my alarm for. I glided out of bed, surprisingly treading on clouds. A soft landing. Did I land? I barely felt the floor under my feet.

I enjoyed my usual morning routine, spent a moment outside breathing in the fresh air. I watched my cat jumped onto a tree scratching his nails on the bark. After standing there half awake, I gazed down to check in with myself. Yup, today something is different, I affirmed. I felt light. Like I woke up and it was my birthday. Last time I checked I don't recall been born on this day. So what is it then, I wondered? I understand now the meaning of when people say ‘something is in the air’ because something was in the air! The question is WHAT?

Puzzled I turned around and made my way to the kitchen for some coffee. It distracted me a moment from my quest to find this very important answer. After that I got on with my day. My day got busy still, even through my doings this feeling stayed. Nothing I did took it away. It actually got stronger as the day went on. When I got home I made my way to my bedroom. I nestled myself into bed.

The blankets felt extra soft and caressed my body perfectly. White linen sheets and pillows all around me. I sunk even deeper into my bed as I realized I have absolutely nothing else to do. Ofcourse I forgot at the time that if I were to stop the DOINGS the messages from my heart would spiral louder. What is this feeling? I need to know. It’s so familiar. It’s so intoxicating. I don't want to rid myself of it. I just want to understand what it is. I love it so. Maybe I love it too much.

Is that what is going on here, I thought to myself? The high I felt from it, was so addictive that I could see myself getting lost in it. Vanished into a portal of bliss. Without any boundaries or structure. Turned liquid and lost all form and space.  And then there it was. The answer I have been calling for. In search of from the moment I set foot outside my bed. You haunted and teased me, I passionately responded.

I now welcome you back into my life. I am sorry I have asked you to leave for a while. I had to, to survive this life on my quest of healing a broken heart. I am asking you now to unpack your bags. Make yourself comfortable for a long long stay. I missed you so. More than you would ever know. And you simply must understand, I needed to be without you for a little while. I feel the beauty of the gift you offer me. Fill me from my crown to my toe. I am ready. I am ready. I AM READY. You may enter me. Forever more. I am completing my cycle in the absence of you.

I believe they call you the energy of LOVE.

Surrender or loose

It has been a while since I've written anything and my desire to write is strong. I realize the thing I resist most is the thing that will bring me most joy, and enhance my life. So what makes it so hard then to proceed? Is it doubt? Is it my ego that desires to keep me busy with unfulfilling things? Is it the knowing that I might stumble upon things hidden, that who knows, might cause pain once I bring it back up into my consciousness? 

The life under the conscious life intrigues me. And I know I spend many hours there, yet the memories and discoveries of it stays hidden as my mind is just too occupied with DOING life. 

Its been exactly five weeks since I've driven a car, taught a yoga class, and doing the usual things I do during my day. If somebody would've told me I’d be away from life outside this head of mine for five weeks when this started, well, I would've simply replied with a rude remark of control and say NO way will i ever do that! This will be a quick fix. I will think myself healthy. Well so I thought anyway…

And so my forceful ‘will’ has learnt that it can’t force myself back to health again. Each time I became the pursuit of that, well, I crumbled under the unbearable heat of impatience that seems to boil up from under the surface. And looking around the room, there is no one I can take it out on either. No one to blame. And hey, no one or nothing around me to distract myself with for a moment so that an exhale can escape my lips.

Nope. Not this time. No sanity will be found on the outside. This is an inside job. And I thought I had it all figured out. This spiritual side of myself. I have, parts of it should I say. And then there is always more, right? Life has given me twenty four weeks of ‘quality’ time with me, myself and I. The process has been undeniably unpredictable, and an animal of something bigger than my own will and my own sense of knowing. 

I know that something bigger is happening. Its simply palpable. I feel it running through my veins. An upgrade maybe? A new platform right before me. Its like my unconscious, my subconscious and my spirit collaborated on this called timed-out period. Like they conspired months before this moment, behind my back. ‘Surprise!’ I can see them yelling out from under a disguise, and disappearing all giggly behind my back…

A period of contemplation, of going IN and bringing forth a message of something deep inside that’s meant to be in the light. Yup, there has been many ‘aha’ moments like that in this period. They usually show up when I split myself in two enduring yet another breaking point. The moment my ego finally burns to ashes. Been lit on fire by the deeper forces of my soul spilling forth with conviction. Over powering my once powerful ego. Watching parts of myself been blown away by the wind. Do i chase after it? I feel so exposed, naked and, oh so lost. Listening to the clock ticking against the wall, enveloped by darkness, and the loud sound of silence. And in between the silence, sounds of life, just outside that wall. So close yet so very far. 

A new fragment of my soul has arrived. A few maybe. And its like my physical body is crashing while all new parts of me arrive, all trying to find their way into this vehicle. Oh so little space…

And as I'm delving deeper into this void, surrendering day by day, I realize, there’s truly no other option, other than the big S word. SURRENDER. Well there is, but that one causes more pain. Placing pain on top of physical pain, well, that’s not truly my thing. Yes maybe i can tolerate a lot of pain, and that doesn't mean I have to purposefully create more through my resistance of what is. 

I reach many still points in my day to day. Lying on my back, somewhere in my apartment, and listen. Its like I've memorized each sound I hear outside by now. It’s a symphony. Music to my ears. And feeling this gentle breeze reminds me of life, the memory of life with the energy it carries. A reminder that this all is just temporary. And even though it feels at moments it’s a never ending game I’m forcing to play, this too shall pass. Am I being forced or invited? Ah, depends on whether a part of me is judging, or a better part merely receiving the experience. 

Just like every other uncomfortable situation I’ve had in my life, everything in life is temporary. Like the scenes of a movie passing on the TV screen, one by one, this too is just a chapter or even only a few pages in the story of my life. Not that I want to wish it all away, like i did two years ago when preparing for back surgery. No, this time I'm choosing for it to be different. This time I am shifting this, No quick fix, no checking out of my body. No numbing myself out from feeling the pain, or listening to my heart or my emotions. A quick fix will just bring on another time like this, in the near future. 

Yeah I know this can be a gift, if I can remember that it is. It might sound cliche, and maybe it is and its true though. It’s not something that happened to me, but more so something i’m meant to experience. That feels lighter. That I can handle. And no, its not like I did anything wrong, that made this happen. 

What if I did something right, so this is happening? I can see the gift, when and only when my ego is quiet. I continue putting a leash on that puppy. There were days though when it had me hanging from the ceiling. Just being its slave to it. Luckily those moments didn't last too long, And i dusted myself of, straightened out my clothes, brushed my hair, splashed water on my face, and faced yet another day. 

How long will it take? As long as it takes. 
Can I hope for it to be over soon? Absolutely. 
Can I find deep fulfillment here? 
Can I be pissed of and as why? YES! 

And so we look ahead into the dark with no sense of where the road might lead. 
Knowing that the end is near, and the beginning of something spectacular is just beyond. 
And ‘the beyond’ even closer once accepting what is. 

Power

The ego that drives a person with false power is an interesting thing. In my personal experience in my own evolution of becoming a powerful woman in this world, I notice the times I'm not in my full capacity of power, some feel it ok to abuse their power onto me. This energy is not visible with the naked eye, but it's palpable in the air and exists between the spoken word and action.

Its like I'm asked to continually stand in my power, or I'll be shown the places in my life where I have the tendency to give it up. And it just fascinates me how another layer of personality can immerse from the one I see in front of me, than a day earlier when I showed up differently. This the one that is mirroring my lack of owning myself in that moment.

And so as I'm witnessing this whole thing go down - in silence - I noticed I've lost my ability to climb out of that energy - and it feels suffocating. And I have momentarily lost my ability to speak from my heart. Or speak period as this energy has taken over and is now running the show.

How is this familiar? Yes very. It's a great opportunity to say NO! And simply walk away.

What a great lesson this person was, standing before me. Watching each verbal expression, each act of self centeredness and lack of intimate connection. Like it was he/her right to show up less than impeccable with action and word. The equality is not valued in our momentary interaction.

Is it him/her to blame? Is it I to blame? No one to blame...

The focus not so much on 'who' but rather 'why'. Im learning to be a witness of these moments and notice where I go, so I can learn more about who I am. And perhaps next time intuit it faster and perhaps choose to change the way I show up. Or better yet, don't be around and stop creating this dynamic in the first place.

This another moment in time I can file in my study around energy and the dynamics of people. And how our past can still run us unconsciously, and better yet, how we can begin to wake up and choose differently.

I feel everything. For a long time I felt it a curse, and today it gives me this opportunity to uncover the truth faster as it's rare that someone can hide their true self to me in this way. An opportunity through which I can then choose to extract myself out of and eliminate unnecessary suffering.

It's called transformation.
 

Dissolving the need for Structure

I used to be very structured in my teaching and felt the need to stay in perfect form throughout my class. Teach from the foundation, explaining each point in the process, and don't leave anything out. And I love that I have the ability to teach in this way. That I can perhaps give those who live without structure, more structure. Those who need foundation , more foundation, because their heads are in the clouds and they simply can't access all their gifts and channel it into this life. Because they are not really 'here' earthed into reality.

Structure was a place I felt safe in for most my life. I learnt structure from the one I've been mostly exposed to in my life, my mom. Who else? Isn't that what we do? We look around, and adapt, grab things from life around us, suit up, and make it our own.

Our framework. Our environment is what we eventually embody. I looked up to her in many ways. Respected? Not sure. Feared maybe more true for me. And so it came with no surprise that I chose the exact imprint of that energy, in a mentor. Annie carpenter. If you would look up structure , effectiveness, and strive for perfection, you would find a picture of Annie. Having a dancing background and strict militant background, she used that same energy in her teachings.

So as much as some of it felt mean, strict, and scary, it also felt very familiar. Let me find another woman to tell me where I'm not perfect enough. How I need to change and become BETTER. And then the rejection would cause me to strive for an even stronger need for perfection in myself. And the more I desperately try and reach that end goal, it kept itself just out of my reach. Always in the future. And in the present, how I'm showing up, is just not going to cut it!

After 500 hours and 1 year of assisting her classes, I finally woke up one day, and said. Wow. I have officially became another identical Annie! I cloned myself. I became the one I thought I needed to be, to be happy. I sounded just like her. And in that moment I also realized that I don't like who I have become! That's interesting in a not so funny way! That sucks. After all that hard work. Trying to become THAT. 'That' didn't seem that appealing anymore. Now what?!

My goal and achievement just didn't feel so good on the inside. A new identity I just didn't fit into very well. I felt restricted. Deeply unsatisfied and just not ME. Giving up ME so I can fit into society has been a constant unconscious goal of mine.

After sitting in this new ME for a bit I knew something had to change... It was then that I stopped pre-plan my classes. And began to trust that if I don't have to have it all figured out, I won't actually die. Of course going to class with an empty mind, felt like dying. Seriously. When we let go of the illusion around control, the need to know, and the need to perfect, and you begin to empty out. It feels like you are losing control! Like you are loosing your mind. Matter of fact. You are!!

And to top that, I had to grasp at a whole new identity. Who am I? Who do I want to be? That is the million dollar question! I will have to take another shot at it. Re-create the one inside. Re-claim maybe a bette word? 

I was determined that I want to learn what it means to trust myself! My own ability!! After many years, it was 4 at the time, of studying sequencing, working each one out, pose after pose, I got it down! That I can walk into a room, with an empty mind. And as I stood in front of that class, many eager eyes staring back at me. I would see a pose in my mind. And know. Ah! It's a backbend day. And so I would watch myself move through the darkness, the mystery, and see how each pose gets revealed to me, just in time, one after the other.

Without knowing where I'll be 2/3 poses down the line. And if I can fit it all in, in a one hour. Using all the elements around me, the illusion of time, music, pacing, reaction of students, or the lack of comprehension, or misalignment. There are many factors involved, that we as teachers have to be present with, and use as a creative journey for an hour. We dance through all that, and then to top that, move/teach without a clue on where this sequence and this class is going, even though a deeper part of me knew that the bigger 'I' knew exactly where I was going. TRUST is what I was learning then. 

In the trust something else begins to move me. I surrender. It's not me anymore. With that I mean 'my mind' is far away. There is a flow, grace, and precision with which I move. Something far better than I can ever try to perfect or try to copy or 'remember' mentally. It's like I can feel where the class is at, and what they need next, and how long they need it for. And that is a deeper sense of timing, without staring at the clock. 

And afterwards as I would walk out of the room, it felt like I was in a pure state of meditation. And in fact I was. If meditation is pure presence without the mind, then that was an hour of just that.

Then as I begin to gather myself, this my mind now, and trace back the steps of my class, I would see the most creative, smart, innovative sequence, breath, and all else. Now that was as close to perfection as one would get.

I am being guided. That is a truth I was learning then. I don't need 'to know' I just need to trust that in fact I already know!

I have always known.

Then the exhaustion of trying to remember a class mentally evaporates, and the excitement and creative force that guides me, fills me up till I feel literally high! Of course that feeling spills over onto my students. And hence the ability of creating and sharing a never-been-done-before class. I leave filled up and not depleted.

Depletion happens when my mind is super active, trying to remember a class, or stressing that I might forget.

Now I'm not saying structure is a bad thing or unnecessary. it's important. It's very important. When you have some form of structure, a space you feel safe in, you can surrender deep inside it, and start to flow...

A structure that perhaps is not an agenda from the mind, but something bigger. A connection with spirit. Let spirit hold the structure, so you then get to drop below the mind, and channel. The mystery and the darkness, the void is the fertile ground for 'birthing' your magic.

Do you dare to trust the mystery?

And your own abilities that live inside it?

My evolution as a teacher - Silence and Love

 

I thought about the class the whole day, and was quite nervous. Even though I've been teaching for many years, I still get nervous. I guess it keeps me humble! As I was sitting with this feeling today, I came to the conclusion to NOT teach for anyone else but myself. I reminded myself that I LOVE what I do. I will bring the love into it again. Love and fear can't co-exist in one place. Then I can remind myself that this is EASY and ENJOYABLE. 

With that intention, I brought a whole different energy into the room. Different from the nervous tension, and an old belief that I simply must show up PERFECTLY, for something outside of myself. That's just too exhausting to figure out. Instead I will hold on to my energy, and bring myself and my joy for teaching, into the room. And just let it flow. 

All I needed to do, was watch my students, experience them, and get consumed with the moment. If I were to try and teach for someone outside myself, my mind would be way too active. Like it was earlier in the day. And I would sound fake, or try too hard, or say too much, or make the class all about me. And honestly, class has got nothing to do with me. It's ALL about my students. That is where the attention needs to be. Not on me, looking all PERFECT. Whatever the hell than means anyway! 

As I taught class, I noticed that I really didn't need to say much. Because my ego was quiet, and it didn't tell me I need to DO MORE. I knew that, doing less, would then encourage my students to do more. I would empower them to find their own way. Let the music, the lightning, the ambiance, and the energy in the room be the container in which people can find their own way. My job is done. I showed up. That's it! 

The music moved me, and I felt like dancing. I noticed it in my students too. I knew that they were on their way. And who am I to disrupt their journey towards stillness of mind, by having too many things to say? That will take them out of their zone, and bring them back into their heads again. Isn't that what we are trying to get away from? I'm deeply spiritual, and I have never experienced a style of yoga that has the potential to be transformative and spiritual, yet enjoyable at the same time! 

Silence is the place for people to truly experience themselves, to GROW, and that for me is what yoga is all about. 

This is where I am learning to trust, and know it's already happening. I don't need to tell them how, or give them advice, heal or fix them. All I need to do is give them a container, then let them go and find their own way. If I were to talk too much, I would rob them of the gift of empowerment and finding their own way on the mat, and in their lives. Making them co-dependant on me, and others around. 

I've learnt this new way of teaching in the past 3 years. This from my spiritual teacher. "Stop trying so hard", he would tell me! The more we see our value, the less we feel the need to do, and proof, and explain, and show. We can just be. 

How awesome is that? 

That's why I love this style of teaching so much. It reminds me that I can do less. I can talk less. And I can leave class, feeling filled up. Why? Because I didn't use all my personal energy in class. Instead I stepped back. I cued a few things, I taught a flow or 3, and that's it. The rest is up to them... 

I have, and can talk a lot. Way too much in class. And it comes out in me, when I forget to trust myself and remember who I am. And tonight I remembered what I've learnt. I left, feeling high. Satisfied. Balanced. Energized. And felt proud of me. Not because I did it perfectly. But because I remembered to just be. And I remembered to let them just be (flow) on their own journey. 

I'm a spiritual teacher, and in my meditation classes I do talk more, this, because people are looking for guidance or advice in that class. I'm learning to only give advice or guidance when it's asked for. With the emphasis on learning. That's why I teach. To learn. Aren't we all?

 I look forward to experiencing you all in the room. We are visionaries that are re-creating the LA yoga scene, and it will directly impact our personal lives. It's all about trusting the silence... 

Remembering it speaks loudly! The silence is like a mothers womb. The dark mystery, the unknown, from which we birth a new (born) idea, or creation, or hear our intuition, or our next playlist. We can't hear without silence. 

Words is a tiny vehicle that carries information. Our energy, our body language, and our wisdom that we hold in our hearts are much bigger communicators. I'm learning to trust that. Allowing my ego to step out of the way... 

I love that I'm on this journey with you all. Be brilliant!! Love. xo m 

Disbelief

People fascinate me. I wonder sometimes why people do what they do. Or treat others a certain way. So much of what we do is what we have been exposed to in our lives. How we treat the world, is a direct influence of our environment. The one we grew up in. 

I am a native South African living in Los Angeles for 15 years now, and I still have moments of disbelief. Interactions with people can leave me with a huge question mark and a frown on my forehead. A moment of jaw hanging open, and just nothing to say. And thinking to myself “did that just happen?’ “did he/she really just do that?” 

I am brought up with a certain group of morals, manners, and ‘things not to do’ to others. How NOT to treat your fellow man or woman. And then I would find myself in certain situations where I just can’t believe my ears, or eyes. Then of course I question my own set of values and wonder if I am the odd one out, or if my culture is just very different. 

And I would start hearing questions spiraling in my head like “How can anyone act in such a way and not see how disrespectful that is?” 

I would watch right after that interaction to see if there is any kind of remorse, or guilt, or uncomfortable behavior. And all I see is nothing. Nada. Just pure normality in their being. As if what they just did or said, had no ill implications or was totally fine. I think the fact that people can act in such a way, and act normal right after, unaware of how they acted, makes me question who I am. Am I the one missing something or not seeing clearly? I dunno…. 

Call me naive. Perhaps in this way I am. Or am I expecting too much of others? 

My wish is to surround myself with people who understand being human, the way I do. 

I am not in any judgement around this, more just slightly thrown off my track. It makes me want to study people more. I am a seeker of truth. I desire to see through all illusion, and see how people tick. And I know that my soul can’t understand another soul. So I will most probably get to the end of my quest all hugely disappointed and with a lack of clarity or understanding. 

What I can say though is that I am learning a lot about people, and interactions that goes beyond the usual work place. And I realize I do have a lot to learn. And then again. Perhaps I have less to learn, just need to extract myself out of certain circles, and areas, and drop myself into places that feel more like home. Is that possible? 

It also makes me realize why I love spending my time doing things that don’t involve human interaction. What do one do when one feel different? There are some beings that would GET very well what I am saying here. Others might judge. And those who judge, might be the ones vastly different than me. And those who get this, are perhaps the ones I am meant to spent some good quality time with. 

You get me?

Traveling Inward

It has been a while since I've sat down to write. It felt Ok to step away for a bit. I got distracted. With what? Life, I guess. 

I recently got back from a trip to Europe. My spiritual teacher took a group up there for a healing journey. I decided to join him and help him. As I was busy booking my flight, looking into different options to fly, a few options routed me through Amsterdam. One even gave me a 23 hour layover in Amsterdam. Normally one would delete that option really quickly. because who would want to sit in an airport for that long, waiting for a flight? "Perfect!" I thought to myself. I've always wanted to see Amsterdam. I will plan to stay a night there. And not only that, I will make sure to do the same on the way back. 

The idea kept spinning around in my head, and I felt stronger and stronger about the idea of spending some time there. I even looked up staying two nights. I ended up with a night stay there, and a night stay on my way back. 

During my stay and travels to Europe, I realized something big. I receive so much information through my travels. Something change. I change. Something inside shifts. It's like there are many treasures for me in this life. They are neatly placed all over the world, for me to go and find. Once I discover one, I can take it, and prosper from it. Information about who I truly am, underneath this body. Underneath the surface. 

Those parts get lost in the hustle of life, far away from my conscious awareness. 

Traveling brings me back to myself. I have nothing to distract myself with, and so my senses have free reign. They are taking me out of the part of my mind that stays stuck in the 'doing' and 'making a living' and it makes me receive what is around me. When I travel to a new place, I get mesmerized with my surroundings. It keeps my attention on whats present. The old buildings, the stone walls, the writings against the walls, the street signs, the foreign sounds from a different culture and language. The smells of food, other than what I am used to. 

And then I get awe struck looking at the artchitecture and landscape of the unique culture. 

Setting foot in Amsterdam, I knew I was home. I have never been there before. Well, not in this body anyhow. It was very familiar. The food, the people, and my surroundings. It just felt like I was home. I walked and walked and walked. I stared at buildings, people and the life around me. And then there were the canals. The waterways. Wow. So beautiful, and all the buildings against the water. It was like I was living inside a fairytale. Maybe I was. 

My trip took me through Verona and also Venice. Of course Venice just didn't seem real to me. It was so hard for my mind to believe that such a city actually exists. I have no words. Again I walked, and walked and walked, till I just could't walk anymore. And I would push through, and walk more. At one point, when I finally gave my body a bit of rest, sipping a delicious coffee, and eating a croissant. I knew, that traveling is something that is very necessary for my evolution as a human being. It is something I simply have to make space for, create the means for, and make happen, a few times a year. It is so deeply fulfilling  and enriching, that it reminds me, that for this reason alone, my life is worth it. To EXPERIENCE life in this way. To take myself out of what I know, and place myself into an environment I have never been to, and let my senses play. 

And as I FEEL all the information coming through my senses, I wake up, and realize that now I am alive. And as this occupy my awareness,  my mind stills. And so intuition seems to heighten. I feel like I am a child of the world. Not a city. Or a family. And so I need to go and see the world, the place I belong to. And share myself with it, as it shares itself with me. We teach each other things, by being present with one another. Just by making the choice to show up, to take the trip. To go on adventures. This way, we get to learn where we belong. And who we are. And which gifts sits dormant inside us. 

We have so much more to offer this world than what we know, from the level of the mind. And so to broaden our ability to see, to expand our ability to create, envision, we must go to places that elevate our way of envisioning. 

On my second stop back to Amsterdam, the night before I headed back to LA. I stood on a bridge, over looking a canal. Just simply staring at it. Taking in the colors, the buildings, the beauty of it, and seeing the history in it. I heard a question inside my head. "Why did I visit these cities, both with so much water in it?" Ah! And it hit me.... the waterways and the canals!! I have an intimate understanding around them. It is not the first time we're meeting. And in that moment, my whole body lid up with electricity. I felt like I was being electrocuted. Energy spiraling all over my body. And it confirmed to me that yes, I was in fact, in an area presently, I once called home. I once helped created, and help built. I had part of the creation of such a land,. and of such a waterway. 

Wow. I stood there for a while still, waiting for the energetic pulses to slow down in my body, and then I turned, and made my way back to my hotel. I found myself deep inside myself. Like the sounds and life around me was very far away. I was a little in shock. Trying to process what just happened. And I understood in that moment why it felt so vastly important for me to visit Amsterdam. Of course my visit there wasn't long enough. It was just a little tease. And I desperately wanted more.

Early the next morning, my walk to the train station was slow. Reluctant. I just didn't want to go. I felt sad. Can it be that I was feeling SAD? Sad to leave a city that I only saw for two days? A city, not a person, or friends, or any of that. But merely a city. Fascinating I thought. I knew walking to the station, that there is just so much more information there for me. And for now, it will have to wait. 

And that is a hard one for me. This patience thing. I am not big on it. 

Now home for a couple of weeks. I have read up more about this city. And the more I read the more I want to know. The more I am creating space for us to reconnect again soon. 

Life is just so mysterious. There is magic around each corner. Interactions with strangers, that might not be strange, but familiar in fact. A bench or a park or a street, might be a place you've left many footprints in some part of your existence. Places around the world are most definitely holy for me in that way. 

I came back with a new energy inside myself. I gift from the trip for sure. Something inside that was always there, just hidden. And so i thirst to bring light to more parts of me that are hidden. i can't wait to know more feel more and experience more. To expand bigger and bigger. To claim more and more of what has always been. Just not always so present when the mind is running the show. 

So here is to many more of these incredible doorways that I will walk through. Portals that'll take me deeper into myself. Life is full of mystery. and i am ready to jump into the dark and claim more of it.

Anyone care to join me? 

Love Mystery Revealed

I had another great write yesterday, and just as I was about to go teach, information started flooding in. It was hard to pull myself away from it, especially having so much coming through. Now finally 24 hours later I'm able to satisfy my heart by finishing this chapter.

As I was sitting and writing yesterday, something came through, a question.

I heard. “What was this part of your journey showing you?”

“Once you walk through all the karmic debts and residue hurts, and things left forgotten, you will arrive at this new place. A place where you'll be free from the karma, and you'll be able to see what it was trying to teach you. And this will be a gift onto you, to then take and apply in all your relations around the world. As they'll be different from now on. There will be a deeper understanding of connection, and you'll respond from a higher place of wisdom and knowing.”

I'm busy writing about my first big love that I had at age 20. To go back even further, I grew up with a lack of connection and love in my life. Love was there, but I didn't feel it. I didn't open to receive it. I came into the world, unexpectedly, seven years after my brother. Since birth I had walked a path of solitude. It was just me on this long dusty road. So when this man walked into my life, I experienced something I've never experienced before. This meet brought up feelings and emotions I've never felt before. I didn't know what it was, where it came from, and what to do with it. What I did know was, it felt magical. And I tighten my grip around it, because I never wanted to let it go.

What I am discovering and seeing now, is that he mirrored something back to me that I already had inside myself. And now I know looking back at this experience, it tried to show me that then. That I know the true energy of love. It lives inside of me.

No one can create a feeling inside another person. It's humanly impossible!

We only feel, what we are! We can only feel what we are. We can only FEEL WHAT WE ARE!!!!

We can't feel what we are NOT.

And, no one can make me feel. PERIOD!

I, alone, can make myself feel. And what I was feeling, was coming from inside.

Yes, he inspired it. He ignited it. He reminded. He taught. He mirrored.

I felt it. Why? Because of my capacity to know love and recognize the energy of love, inside myself.

I didn't know this, then. Because I've never felt this before, and with the presence of this man in my life, I felt it. And so I immediately assumed that HE made me feel this GREAT. It simply can't be ME! I can't create such bliss alone... or can I?

I held him responsible for keeping me feel this great. LOVED. “Love me!” Keep making me feel this good!

And then, years later, I'm finally waking up to this realization that he was not, can not, and will never be responsible for such a thing.

I AM. I alone. I have always been, unknowingly. I made myself feel this GREAT, then. How amazing to know I have that capacity for feeling love, now, then, and anytime I choose to allow myself to feel it! Didn't see it then. Doh!

I repeat...Its humanly impossible to give someone a FEELING. No one can give me a feeling. I alone can give myself a feeling. So amazing that when we have an experience in life, and whomever we have it with, we associate that feeling with them. And we think “he GAVE me that.” I am amused at my life. Thank you. Keep em coming life... 

A World Coming Undone

We live in such interesting times at the moment. I look around and see so much suffering, so much pain, and people reacting in strange ways because of it. And as I sit with this image in my mind, I can't help but wonder. Is it truly life that's creating so much suffering? Or can it be that our resistance to living can cause most the suffering?

The war that's going on. Hostage situations. The anger people dump on others, the outrage, the volatility, the violence, the brutality... It's not exactly helping humanity feeling more peaceful in themselves! Are we meant to experience this first before we can find a place of peace within? Or are we aimlessly drifting into the opposite direction as what we are supposed to experience and reside in?

People have lost their minds, and their ability to contain a sense of hope inside themselves. And it's just so sad to watch how they choose to bring others into their own suffering. Causing innocent lives to carry and experience the pain and loss they feel inside, by dumping all their toxic shit onto them. The intensity inside themselves gets overwhelming, and without the necessary tools to release it, they go sideways, and make some very poor choices. Purging it on innocent lives.

We all know it's just a desperate cry for love. But when is this going to stop?

What can we do? Can it be that our resistance to living can cause most the suffering?

Our resistance to living with open hearts?

How would life look differently? Would it look differently? Is it possible? Or is this just another cliché saying?

I have to constantly remind myself that what I see, and perceive in the world and in others, aren't always as it seems. Through it I am able to release whatever falsities I have in my ego-mind. So I can continue to see and perceive life with more clarity, or otherwise I might go crazy too!

I feel living with an open heart is the only way. How do one do it, when there is so much destruction going on? How would it be if we can stay open in the face of fear, and stop retrieving? Is it possible? What would it take?

I know for myself the only way to stay sane, and have open-hearted moments, is to stop REACTING from past hurts, and start RESPONDING to life instead. This takes a lot of undoing. This takes making lots of mistakes. This, a dance from an old way of being, to a new way of being. Back and forth.

Is it possible to elevate our consciousness so we simply just don't feel the fear?

Or perhaps elevate ourselves above our own limitations, or limiting beliefs? I would love to believe so. And I will continue working towards this goal. Can we continue to love those around us who are unable to stay open in this way? Most importantly ourselves? It is either that, or we get swept up into their fears, and their fears become ours. Which is it going to be? 

Being a Student of Life

I wrote this piece for Blue Osa Retreats in Costa Rica in 2014:

Today I am contemplating what it means to be a student. I've been teaching yoga for about ten years now, and I still feel I know very little. I feel so blessed to have chosen a career that continues to bring me the gift of growth and transformation. It's a never-ending always growing, and an always learning experience. For the most part I've always seen myself on this journey, clothed in the fabric of being a student. No matter how long I've taught. This way, as teachers or humans on this planet, we are open. We are open to receive. To receive more and more of what life has to offer, more lessons, discoveries, wisdom, and intuition.

Yes, there are days where my ego runs the show, and I would sit in a circle with my spiritual teacher, assisting him. A class I've taken at least 12 times in the past three years. And I would find myself sitting in resistance, showing up reluctantly. I'm there physically, but my energy is somewhere else. “What else can this man teach me about this class,” I would ask myself.

As you know, each experience is uniquely and different. Just like each yoga pose. Every downdog is new. YOU are new and different every day, so your relationship with this pose is difference each time. You're receiving it differently. Your body and breath is different day in and day out. Each new breath creates a unique never before experience, if you allow yourself to quiet and notice it. So even when we repeat things in life, you must ask yourself, are you truly repeating? From the outside things might look the same, and on the inside it is profoundly different.

Inquire within yourself! Study yourself. Your energy! Watch. Notice. Feel.

So I've learnt, showing up in lots of resistance, keeps the heart closed, blocking anything from coming in. We must believe that the work we are doing, studying, and receiving... is going to heal us, educate us, and enhance our lives, otherwise it won't! It's that simple. For all the times I sat in that circle, closed of, I didn't fully exchange with the content of that training. And so the healing I received was about 50% of the 100% available to me. There is always a constant flow of energy, wisdom and healing flowing towards us. Are you willing to open to it?

Are you willing to remember you are a student, and can be open to more information flowing your way?

The past few months has brought on a big shift for myself in how I feel on the inside. I went from being a teacher, feeling strong, sitting in the space of authority, to feeling a lot smaller. Having a desire to take a backseat and be a student is strong again. A student in the sense of how I felt when I taught my first class, this eight years ago. That age old anxiety, of feeling small is back. It's an interesting thing as I know I am too big to be small. LOL. And so I must simply learn to stand tall in the space of being the teacher I am, while having feelings of insecurity and vulnerability.

I have to permit myself to have both these energies residing inside me. And remember this simple truth. Life is meant to be experienced. Not perfected. We are never going to arrive at a place where we are completely whole, perfect, or have all the answers.

I learn. I teach. I heal. I teach. I study. I teach. I grow. I teach.

It's a never ending circle, that spins us round and round. We are up, then we are down, up, down...

So perhaps we can give our minds less space to judge our evolution as a teacher, and allow our hearts to stay open, even in the face of these inner judgements. Just love the hell out of the judgements. I feel honored to call myself a teacher, and I'll give myself the title of being a student of life.  

A gain through loss

Gazing out the window today, staring straight into the sun. It is warm outside, but it is cold inside my heart. Can it be that he is gone? One day you walk along side each other, laughing, hiking in the desert, walking til it's dark out. Lying down on the rocks, staring at the stars above, counting our blessings with each shooting star. Open hearted, vulnerable and intimate expressions through the energy we openly share. No words necessary. I watch as he pulls out his guitar and take us on a journey with his song. Words and sounds taking us into the depths of his heart and beyond, as it touches ours. Sounds fill the air speaking of love, light and promise. A boy with a whole life ahead of him, excited to be all he can be. An inspiration for most. A teacher for many, a gifted healer and artist, and above all, a true true friend with an unwavering purity in his heart.

And then all of a sudden, you find yourself left behind, alone on this path made for more than one. Looking back I see many footprints, including his, playfully treading everywhere. And today gazing down, I only see my own. This, a path that a community of open hearted people paved, and continue to walk on together, year in and year out. A community built with a stable foundation, and a mission to balance our lives within the power of love. A community who practice showing up with full commitment for this life, sharing a vision for a peaceful world. A community of artists, rebels, teachers, healers messengers and guides. People that walk through life, off the paved road. We don't truly fit into society like most do. And, in this community we embrace our uniqueness, knowing that we're the creators of a new world. We don't follow. We create. We revolutionize. We out-create and liberate ourselves from our past hurts through the creation of our song, our dance, our poem, and every act of free expression we permit ourselves to share.

To walk a journey in this way, with thousands of people by your side, you grow together intimately. You become a deeper level of friendship, year in and year out. This, a family of your choosing. A place where we keep our hearts open, and permit ourselves the gift of feeling alive. We are sensitive. We are powerful within our sensitivity, and our openness. We know it is the only way to live.

And to then sit on this day with our open hearts, feeling the painful loss and emptiness inside, is just such a heaviness to experience. I know he is in a good place. Can I still be angry? Can I still be selfish and desire to spend more time with him? Can I ask “WHY?” “Too young!!!!” I want to scream. “Why???” I want to scream. I know this is an experience I am meant to walk through. He still is the teacher he used to be in this way. I am meant to learn from you still my friend, a student I am, forever in your honor. This pain in my heart is strong, and the tears just don't seem to wanna dry up.

I know his departure is not so much about him leaving. As it's more about the feelings it bring up in all of us now been left behind.

What is inside this pain? Love I realize. Innocent love lost. And not only that, I am also seeing and feeling the love of this community deeper than ever before. How fucking incredible to feel so much love right in this moment! And not only that, it brought us all together uniting from Europe to USA to South America. The world stood still in his honor yesterday. And it brought all of us together, sitting shoulder to shoulder, in a circle with no beginning and no end, just like you my friend. There will be no end in your existence. You live forever on. Thank you for reminding me that I do know the energy of love. That I am love. That I am deeply loved and connected by so many in the same way. You my friend, has given me so much. And in your honor, I will truly reach through all the shit, the fear, the illusions I get lost in sometimes, and grab each day, and live it, to the best of my ability. As I am alive. Here and now. And I know it is what you would want for me, and it is the least I can do for you, in return for what you have done for me. Be well. In love and memory. Till we meet again. Love remains. Love is the only thing that is real. And through it, you shall always remain. 

Into the Big I AM

I had some writing time today, and sat with the title of my book. “Into the BIG I AM” … and asked myself this question. “What does it mean to be a grown up version of myself?” I don't feel a day older than when I was 10. And quite frankly, I even look the same too! Haha. Have I stopped growing? Or evolving? Am I truly any different? I know we get wiser as we age. Or so they say.

I looked over some letters I wrote, gosh, probably a good 20 years ago (blush)... and saw the same longing, the same curiosity, and the same questions, that still seem to be around today. Interesting, I though to myself. I decided to walk down to Venice, sat in a coffee shop, and do as I've been guided to do. To write! The need to write has been tugging on my heart for a few weeks now.

So much has happened for me in December that shifted my life into something other than the familiar, and I am still in the process of processing it. Or perhaps only now, giving it my full attention. I've been walking around with undigested experiences, and things left hanging over my head, while I was giving work, family and other pressing things all my attention. Finally now, in the last couple of days, I've been able to find ground under my feet again. Ah, yes. I am beginning to arrive back in LA. This energetically I mean. I have been back for a few days already. So much has happened in December that has shifted my reality, and it felt easier to put it aside for the time being, till I could find some quality time to process it through my writing.

It's hard to explain, but now, when I look around, seeing everything around me, it's all still exactly the same. Yet, everything is different.

I am different.

And this because I have met people that created a permanent shift inside myself. Real special people, perhaps friends from another time and place. A reminder of more than just the obvious. I visited places, that gave me new inspirations for this year. And most importantly, reminded me of what is most important in my life. And I believe that this year is the year to get it right. What do I mean with that? To give the things and people in my life, that carry most value, most of my time. And things that are of lesser importance, will have to take the backseat. As much as I've been pursuing this wish for quite some time. I feel the end of last year, has given me enough to work with, to establish this incredible new rhythm for myself. This year greeted me with prosperity, a tropical vacation, strong family bonds, and new (yet familiar) friends, that are adding to my life, and lets not forget a new heart!!

Yes. I have been shedding layers and layers of hurt, watching it poring out of my heart. This started beginning of December, and seemed to have picked up momentum with each day. It's like my heart is being broken open, and all that was stuck is now poring out and through me. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Rumi. “You have to keep breaking your heart, till it opens.” She is surely opening!!!

And all the heartache is now been giving a moment in the spotlight, so it can be free. This life is all about balancing extreme opposites on so many levels. I watch myself swinging from the North pole to the South pole. Sometimes all in one day.

Ah, and then there are these days, moments, and weeks, where there's this sense of BALANCE. Perfection! It's like all is standing still, even when all is moving around me. Like I've made my way to the center of the tornado. The eye. And in this powerful place, I sit. I watch. And most of all I KNOW.

I just know. I feel so alive. I exist. A place I have always wanted to arrive at. Even though I have always been there. I'm beginning to experience it on a deeper-knowing-level, this, inside myself, without the swinging action from North to South, searching for it, or forgetting and remembering it.

And so continue my journey onwards... into the BIG I AM.

Thank you for being a witness. I love you so.  

Happy New Year!

I'm sitting in a cozy coffee shop in Big Bear. Wrapped up in a scarf and sipping steaming hot coffee. It's a beautiful day outside.

My month has been jam packed with travel, meeting new friends, and discovering yet an even deeper connection with my mom. She flew out to LA to spend the holidays with me. I definitely got my sense of adventure from her. She definitely still has it! 

It's a few days before the end of the year and I'm sitting, allowing my mind to drift back in time. This year has made me walk through some of the toughest times of my life, I must admit. And it's easier to recognize now, while on the up and up again. You know how it is. When you're knee deep in the mud, and put one foot in front of the other, you don't always see the depth of mud you're standing in. You just keep a one pointed focus on the next step, as it's pretty much as much as you can handle. 

The interesting thing is that this particular experience has brought me more gifts than I've probably received in most my life. And so I'm living proof that the tough times seem to strengthen you, empower you, and ad to your life, ten fold. Seeing what's been gained here in the now, all the tangible shifts, makes me realize that I'll do it again and again, and yes, again! It was all so worth it. 

Every year is different, as we all know. But this one had a different flavor to it. 

For me, It's the end of a cycle, the last push through the birth canal to something else.  Who knows what?! And this last push, this month of December, has most definitely been the strongest. It sped up for me, and the intensity is still palpating through me. Like I turned around the last corner of the race and now I'm on the last sprint home. Coming home after enduring a long hard race. I can see the finish line, with no one in sight. Am I ahead of the game? Or perhaps a race against my old self? Or against my fearful mind? Or maybe it's not a race at all... Just a stroll in the woods and my mind makes it feel like a race for life or death... 

Which is it? Does it matter, mind? 

Maybe this can be my biggest intention for this year ahead. 

Stop trying to get to 'the knowing' - letting go of the need to KNOW or understand. The thing is, I'll know once I stop trying to figure it out. 

Ironic isn't it? 

I'd rather bathe in the beautiful feelings life shares with me. Experiences that took place that elevate my consciousness, people I met that left me changed, and places I saw that filled me up. 

Each moment has the potential to bring that. 

If I choose to see it! 

And the seeing happens when the mind stops trying to reach the destination of 'knowing' 

Ah, and then there's this day. Here you are. Watching me as I'm inside of you. You are beautiful. This is all that is truly real and tangible. And of course, how I feel. And I feel great inside. My year is ending on a GREAT note. 

And so on that note,  I wish you all a very happy and magical new year. Thank you for being in my life. xo m 

Pain is a great teacher

What is one to do other than contemplate life, and becoming deeply intimate with self, when lying on your back for over two weeks? And not being able to move much. A back injury now so severe, it placed me on my back. Literally. I am in need of support. I have no choice but to place my life in others hands, for support, love, and help. I simply must open and receive. What an incredible gift being forced onto me!

It's been an interesting time for me. As I lie here, with nothing to distract myself with, I have no choice but delve deep inside this pain. Instead of thinking I know what it is, I had to go find a deeper aspect of it, than what my mind came up with. After some time here in the quiet, I eventually found a still point, and in this place, I began to converse with the pain. I didn't realize I was actually going to get some concrete answers back, but I thought I'd give it a shot. And I did!

Then as the next day roll in, I'd somehow find myself in this same still point again. And something would nudge me to stop 'doing/thinking' and listen again. And then I would discover another layer underneath the previous one that needed to express itself! More and more of those day in and day out.

And so I've been in deep meditation, writing, being with my nervous system, my pain body, my heart, my thoughts, my breath, the sounds outside my place, and my soul. As I finally stopped the 'doing' I was able to delve deeper and go find the roots/cause of the pain. And let me tell you. Never in my life have I experienced such pain. Now this pain came UP to heal. So it has in a way always been there. Now finally given a voice to express itself, so it and I can be free! Isn't it amazing to think I am ready to deal with this now, and set it free? The time has arrived for us to part ways! I have been dealing with this for a good year now. Well, probably much longer...And this is the final push through the birth canal.

One realization after another, layer after layer, as I'm dropping my so called 'control' on my life. And allow myself to be supported in the darkness, and the mystery of it all. The spaces of birth/death. The unknown. A dying of an old way and birth of a new being. That is I guess the gift in such severe pain. It paralyzes you, so you have no choice but stop 'doing' and listen. I know this is a death that is taking bits and pieces of me. Consuming parts of me that is not meant to continue on with me in this life. There is a birth about to happen in the spaces that is now becoming empty. And I am mourning parts of myself that's dying, or I can choose to focus on the parts that are about to birth in this new open spaces. The parts of myself I have been asking for. So what do I choose? Where do I want to keep my focus? On what was, and what is dying of, or on what is about to flow in, that has always been my answer, for what I've been searching for.

It seems obvious if one looks at it from this view point. But as humans we can't help but miss the familiar, even when those parts of our existences has caused us most pain. We still tend to grip tight on what we know. Please don't leave! Aren't you here to protect or serve me in some way? Then again, has it ever? The false belief that tells us that it will keep us safe, that we can hide under, has in fact done just the opposite for us!

Then as we wake up, we begin to flow with the truest part of our lives, a part of our existence that has our best interest at heart, now and always. And as trust filters in more, you begin to see the rainbow, and the light filtering from everywhere and the blessings flowing in, ready to be received by you. Where have you been all my life? “here” it would respond. Sadly, unnoticed by us, as we were too busy to keep our focus on what is missing, or leaving our path, than the beauty and love that keeps knocking on our hearts.

I was grinning to myself a couple of days ago... Really?! Am I THIS stubborn? That it had to take THIS much pain for me to STOP and LISTEN! It takes a lot to bring me down. I do like to put up a fight. lol.. And now I'm putting down the swords. I am done fighting. I am LOVING it to death instead. That feels a lot sweeter, doesn't it?

I am deep in my heart and see this whole thing as a blessing. It's like I finally GET it. It's definitely showing me what I'm made of, it tested me, it pushed me to my limits and beyond. And now beginning to see the light on the other side, I can say it brought empowerment. It has slowed down my pace, to one that I am meant to walk from now on. This a new way of being. The old is just not serving me anymore. A new rhythm. One filled with the feminine qualities, bringing more trust, intuition and surrendering to the journey. One that follows her own heartbeat, and not the ego driven rhythm of the world. This means to trust more than ever before. To live in a place of mystery. The place of continual birth. Birthing out of a place of the unknown. I will continue dropping deeper into this place, knowing I am not alone. I am supported and guided every step of the way. The path will be under me as I step into the darkness.

I've learnt so much about myself, my past, my lineage, and also what's about to birth in this new open space that's being created!!! I see it clearly. I understand it. I intended something big over the full moon a couple of weeks ago, and so this is showing me, someone is listening, cos things are moving! Quickly. It's already happening. I can feel the new energy already penetrating my existence.


I guess all I've learned on my spiritual journey is not put to the test, to see if all this wisdom I share with others, can actually be used in practicality. I will continue sharing my process with you all. Thanks for giving me the space to share this in open and vulnerable exposures. Endless love. Xoxo

Home has found me

I have longed for a deep connection with myself for as long I can remember.

I have walked a full circle, and now arriving back at the beginning. It is a strangely familiar feeling, and I keep trying to figure it out mentally. My experience I have with life today is so very different, than just a month ago and before. It's like I have been on this road before, and I can see my own footprints underneath this new soil. New soil now covered in the new times we are creating for ourselves. I have arrived at the entrance way of my own soul, and hanging above me is a big sign that reads 'HOME'. I see a road ahead, and carefully placing one foot in front of the other. Anticipating an endless supply of fulfilling existence ahead. “It is about time,” I thought to myself.

I was HOME for just a brief moment in my life. Perhaps for as little as six months. Right after my birth, I was already walking away from it. A journey my soul needed to take. I was too young to rebel against it. A tool I have used many times before, when I would try and resist life flowing me in a certain direction.

I have been traveling along this dusty road, on my way somewhere. For most the time that I've been on this road my eyes were on the road behind me. I so longed to be HOME. I barely experienced home, yet, it left an imprint strong enough to never forget, no matter how far away I would walk from it. It's like I heard whispers from it day in and day out. It's been calling me back from the moment I set foot away from it.

It was very hard for me to keep my eyes on the road in front of me, because I knew that the road ahead will be filled with experiences I might not like, and experiences that might make me forget about HOME, or the sense that I BELONG somewhere. My resistance has always been strong, and it makes sense to me now. I don't know if I'd truly ever wanted a life of solitude. I have always been alone. Is that truly a choosing of my conscious mind? I don't think anyone in their right mind would want that. Everybody longs for connection. I have done this thing called life, all by myself. In the face of connections and people around me. There has always something that set me apart from life and its people.

It's like having my foot on the gas petal and at the same time having my hand on the emergency break. If I were to look out ahead on this road, I'd see no signs of HOME. But when I would look back, it's like I could still see it. Even if not physically. It felt a shorter distance backwards than forwards.

And then one day, along this dirt road, it hit me. If I keep looking back, I am slowing down my pace and I am prolonging my journey back to it. And because I am not going backwards, but heading forwards, it meant that HOME is in fact ahead of me. The more I walk this path ahead of me, the sooner I will find HOME again. The more I look back at what once was called HOME, it will take longer to re-unite with it again.

What made me walk away from it? Obviously not my conscious mind. Someone had a bigger plan for me. And I had to obey. I have been away from it for so long, that I forgot the essence of it. Even though my pursuit has always been that. To discover my place in this big big world. A place I can call home. And throughout my travels, and searching, I have forgotten what I was searching for. I lost myself in the ego pursuits of this world. I know I was searching for something. Yet my searches has changed into empty pursuits, that would when I found what I though I was looking for, would give me temporary satisfaction, and then would leave me empty again. As if I get dumped back at the start of my search for HOME again.

And so about a month ago, I stepped onto a new platform. A place I have never been before. And the familiarity of this place is hypnotic. It has transported me into an energy I could dwell in forever. “I have been here before,” I thought to myself. And the scenery is just so unique that there is no way I have ever been here before. This confusion has left me with a big question mark over my life. What is this familiar feeling, in a space I have yet to discover? This newness feels like a re-uniting with self in a way I have never experienced before.

It's like a part of my being stayed behind at the place I originally called HOME, and a month ago, I took a step forward and stepped straight into that part of myself. Merging with the one I have been looking for, which feels like forever, yet just a glimpse in time, when measured in the eternity of existence.

And now in this new-ancient place... I am re-discovering the soul that I am. The gifts that I am. The purpose that I am. The light that I radiate. The love that I embody. The wisdom that I have earned. The strength and conviction I live and move from. The ability to see life for what it truly is. The intuition that I seem to have always had, now trusting it more.

And remembering the child that never had her time under the Sun. She is now tugging on my sleeve, asking me if it's ok to go build castles in the sun. To chase the waves as they're breaking on the deserted beach. To sing along to the birds song above in the trees. To fill her day with music and color. To talk to the moon. To run to the horizon and back. To chase butterflies in the meadows. To go sit under the rainbow and talk to the animals.

A shedding of skin, one layer of illusion after another, is what's happening under the surface. Re-claiming the child that could never be silenced by life. She is claiming her right to be here now. And opening gift after gift, day in and day out, of all the unique qualities that she was born with. Now bringing them up to the conscious mind. This unfolding is happening organically. An eternal journey, walking a full circle, remembering the innocence and purity of heart.

I see a fulfilling and meaningful life filled with connections, before me, in the empty spaces I am stepping into. Who knows what I might find. Or should I say, who knows what else I might discover about myself.

A life now turning upside down, and leaving behind the old story that life is meant to be lived alone. Connections are filtering in from all around, as I have found my connection with self. Ones that are equal to the soul that I am. A sharing of powerful soul connections. Brothers, sisters, friends, and lovers from older lives. I see more and more of them filtering in. Thank you for reminding me of parts of myself that used to be dormant. Each moment I get to connect with you again in this life, I'm seeing myself in a new light. I am at awe, seeing myself in each one of you.

It leaves a smile, that lingers. A heart now filled to the brim. A feeling of satisfaction. HOME has come to me. Even though I have been walking towards it. It has also come to meet me. Just at the right time. Now all that's needed is to sit back, relax, and watch it unfolds in perfect harmony. And I'm choosing to be in a space of open arms, and open hands. And I keep asking my mind to surrender whenever it still wants to understand everything, or wants to push its will onto life.

It's happening. It's all around me, and this because its inside of me. An overflowing from the inside, attracting that which I am, reminding me of the unconscious parts of my soul, the true I am. A deep love connection with self, will usher in that from the outside. A deeper understanding of my purpose. And a new playground to remind myself of the importance of enjoyment. A life written in ancient times. A HOME now discovered through an entrance way I know intimately. Who knows where this path will lead me... My guess is into some of the deepest layers of my soul, I have yet to discover. So deep, that, perhaps no lifetime has given me that privilege. I am ready. Let the horn blows for the start of this new adventure, re-aligning me with the true spirit that I am.

A glimpse of Africa

I enjoy my life here in LA. And sometimes I get too caught up with the city life here, that I forget how much I love being connected to nature. Luckily I get to travel to places like Sedona, New Mexico, Joshua Tree, and Ojai. And every time I arrive on one of these enchanted playgrounds, I get reminded of the deep love I have for it. Growing up in Africa gave me the privilege and the understanding of the value nature has to offer to life and its people. I remember we used to go to school barefoot with not a care in the world! Imagine that here in LA! I believe there are rules against it here. My feet was one with the earth. I used to run barefoot on the farmhouse grounds, walked through mud, water and whatever else showed up in front of me. On rare occasions a painful thorn would cut through my foot. It would hurt so much that my dad would have to come get me and carry me back home on his shoulders. Even that pain didn't stop me from connecting with her. I could not imagine separating myself from her, wearing shoes, creating a barrier between the soles of my feet and the soil of her rich earth.

Africa represents something very special to me. It's called freedom. The smell of grass, the wet soil after a thunder storm, the smell in the air after our first Summers rain, and the sound of the river next to the house was hypnotic. Of course as most humans we only appreciate these elements when it's absent in our lives. I didn't care much for it then. Or perhaps I did as much as I could at such a young age. I had a very strong desire to move to the US for most my young life, and that caused me to miss some of Africa's beauty then, but I can still recall everything about it, as if I've lived there just yesterday.

Being deeply connected to the earth like that, has left an imprint deep inside, that has gifted me with something very special. And that makes me who I am today. I believe I can find my sanity in a city like LA as I'm able to exchange with nature in this way. I can still find my ground within all the craziness this city comes with. This by remembering a love that runs deep within my veins. It gave me a sense of adventure that I will carry with me till my last day on this earth. I am a kid at heart, and believe I will always be one no matter my age. Being connected to the earth ushers in a purity of heart and brings an appreciation for the cycle of life. I just get it. I've witnessed it intimately, over and over again growing up. The cycle of life and death. Impermanence. Not just in nature, this too in the loss of numerous significant people in my life, passing over to the other side. Africa ushers in many experiences where we get to truly learn the impermanence of life. And it brings the gift of living each day to the fullest. I find that most South Africans have that sense of aliveness and adventure. “Why wait for tomorrow? Lets do it today!”

Everywhere you look in Africa, you will find ample space, beautiful nature, and untouched earth all around. A vast panoramic vision everywhere you look, reminding you that there's so much more to life than the concrete buildings we live in, and what we do or pursue as a career. Who we are and what we are connected to, is what's most important. The Kruger Park is the biggest game farm in South Africa. It has many entrances. We lived closed to one of the gates of this particular park. So we would spend almost every weekend in the park.

Tracing footprints of animals, listening to the sounds of birds and learning which is which. Counting shooting stars and getting lost in the cosmos gazing at the milky way on a cloudless night. For most nights it was shining brightly down at us. The Southern Cross and all the other heavenly bodies showed up in their full presence, and lets not forget the open vanilla skies. No wonder I have a very special connection with the stars and the planets. I feel there energies pulsing through my body. I've seen some of the most spectacular sunsets to date in Africa. It's mesmerizing and captivating, and just too beautiful to capture with a camera. Instead I would capture it with my heart, now stored in my memory.

Then as you lie on your back, and watch the sun go down, you begin to hear the sound of the animals spiraling louder and louder around you. Many nights we'd camp out, and it would feel as if there is no separation between you and nature. You hear the predators walking around your tent, smelling you sleeping on the inside. Or should I say, trying to sleep, while your shivering from fear, waiting for their attack, and you becoming a midnight snack!

I feel blessed to have had the privilege to experience life in this way. I walked away from it for a long time. I cursed it when everything around me in my family life came crashing down. When things beyond my control were happening, and all I had to do was go along with what was happening. And I think I got bitter at God and nature for taking away all I loved so dearly and dropped me into environments with the lack of love. And so I disconnected from it for a long time. I didn't realize I did, until one fine morning a few years back, sitting in New Mexico. This, my first trip to that particular part of the country. I felt the wind blowing against my skin, and it spoke to me. It came to remind me of its existence, and how much I used to love it. In that moment I remembered a part of myself I've lost or gave up when I was very little. And the memories of Africa started filtering back in. The love I have for it and the longing to connect with it, was palpable. I started waking up, and remembering the child who used to love nature and who lived with an unwavering trust and open heart! I missed that part of myself tremendously.

Africa is inside of me. I disconnected to a very big part of myself, because I was bitter. I trusted life and everything in my life. I loved unconditionally, with a purity of a child's heart. And when life took a turn for the worse, it left me in a space of shock. And I turned my back on life, thinking that life turned its back on me. I swallowed myself, and went inward, escaping what was uncomfortable on the outside. I disconnected from the ground under me, and everything I trusted and knew that I called my so called life, and I went silent and numb.

And on this beautiful day in NM a new journey started, one taking me back into nature and into myself. Allowing a feeling of support and trust to filter back in. I needed to heal and let go of resentments, and walls I built around myself, and the illusion that life is not to be trusted. Blaming life for my circumstances was not really getting me anywhere anyhow. The sensations under the soles of my feet continued to change year in and year out since this wake up call. The sensitivity of it started to come back and I gave in to the support underneath it, opening bit by bit. Beginning to receive the earth and its support I used to trust unconditionally like any child should.

Every day I'm dropping veil after veil, letting go of resentments and painful memories. Things that just don't deserve the value of my time in the present moment anymore. Life is waiting. The beauty of life keeps knocking. There is just too much magic around to hold to to anything from the past. I can allow it to co-exist in the present, as it sculpted me in this way. As long as it's not being used to excuse myself from my purpose and life that is meant to be lived today.

And today I feel deeply connected to her, like I used to feel when I was little, roaming around on the African soil. She speaks to me. She nurtures. She supports. She validates. She gives life. She protects. She pulls me out of my ego and reminds me of the true meaning of life. She guides me into my eternal beating heart. A heart that can never be silenced. The force that it is, is just too powerful to be taken down by life. The challenges only makes her beating louder and with more conviction. She is a native African woman. We are durable goods and can handle a lot. In some ways perhaps even welcome the challenges of life, as it keeps life interesting. And it brings out the best in me. Especially when I bring the purity of my innocent heart to meet life, heart first.

Africa has taught me so much about life and I can't wait to give back to her what she has given me.

Full Circle

A new sense of pleasure is bursting through the gates of heaven.
Igniting the world on fire. Painted with the sounds of innocent laughter.
 
Coloring the sky with scarlet red and indigo.  
Painting a new heaven and earth.
 
A playground for the innocent and fearless.
Creating a gateway for sublime joy and uncontrollable laughter.
 
A caravan of possibilities makes their arrival from a long journey at last.
Carrying with it broken pieces of memory.
 
Pieces lost in a memory woven through shockwaves from the past.
Re-uniting child and innocence once more.
 
Child innocence with an immense desire to live with an unwavering purpose.
A drive force directed and experienced through the purity of a child’s heart
 
A life dipped in a dark chocolate coating, rich in sugar sweet fulfillment.
A life in service. Leaving traces of sweetness through each act of expression.
 
A life of clarity and precision.  Steered by the impulses of a child’s senses.  
A drive force directing age-old wisdom through playful existence.
 
Discovering a journey, footprints underneath the layers of this world.
Hidden beneath, exists another world now open for discovery.
 
An old world with messengers for this life is arriving with the rain.
A journey, this I see. Walking a full circle of eternal discovery.
 
A child chasing the sun, jumping fully into life.
Experiencing a sensitized adventure of belonging.
 
A playground of innocent wonder.
Toes in the mud.  Ponytails in the wind.
 
Sounds of a familiar song echoing from above. A lullaby ancient, yet timeless.
The scratching of the needle seems to vanish with the melody of song.
 
A song about purpose, passion and power.
All covered in strawberry innocence and beauty.
 
A child returning home, remembering the innocence.
A soul revealing itself, remembering the journey.
 
A soul child walking along a path towards the now.
Collecting the past in a butterfly net.
 
Embracing what was. Loving what is.
Anticipating and endless supply of fulfilling existence.
 
A messenger of the wind.
Discovering the undiscovered.
 
Celebrating the freedom of being alive.
The world is hers to entertain.
 
A child surrendering into the simplicity of life.
And here, a message from your own inner child.  
 
Live through feeling. Express through being.
Love passionately. Open fearlessly.
 
Give endlessly. Be fully.
Surrender beyond possibility.
 
Speak truthfully.
Trust eternally.
 
Walk where no one has ever walked.
Create. Create. Create the life you TRULY are!!!!
 
Claim your child.
Surrender deeper into yourself.

Connections from long ago

Life brings us people we are meant to connect with. And every now and then you crash into one that you know intimately, yet, meeting for the first time. In your search in finding yourself in this big world, life brings you people that come to remind you of who you are.

You can see it shining back from within their eyes. You recognize. It wakes up memories from long ago. What does that mean for today? That is the question the mind wants to confuse one with. Does it matter what it means? Not really. Can I sit with the feeling and savor it instead of trying to figure out its meaning?

The alchemy already happened the moment the energy stirred up from within. A glimpse from the past to light the way into the future. Strong connections from past lives can be just that. A connection and a memory filtering back up again. It's beautiful. It's special. And it's a recognition from a soul level. No one else can see or feel it. And that makes it even more special. A gift onto me.

A mirror in front of me, showing me parts of myself I haven't fully recognized in this life. Waking something up inside me. A feeling of belonging, all unspoken, yet profoundly powerful. We walk along our journey here on earth, and as we stare into the eyes of one we know, we feel we belong. We belong to something so much bigger than the surface of this life. I see you!

The order of this life is so precise and woven into the most beautiful web, divinely inspired. It's just too much for the mind to comprehend. And then there is this new energy stirring from within. A waking up to more parts of myself that I missed, and been disconnected from, for a very long time. Thank you for showing up here today, to remind me of something forgotten. I missed it.

From the outside life looks a certain way, and from the inside it's all so very different. You simply drop under the verbal communications, and communicate with the energy of life and its people. That's where the truth lies. Not in the verbal communications we distract ourselves with. Those are on the surface.

When you look closely, you see everyone is acting out life in a certain way. And then there is the truth. Underneath all that you can see on the surface. And those are sometimes so profoundly different, it's amusing. I so enjoy life in this way. It keeps my day very interesting.

No need to act on this feeling. No need to point it out. No need to do anything about it. Other than just to receive it. To enjoy it. And feel the energy it creates within my body. It puts me on a high. I see you. I know you. I feel you. I remember you. I see myself in you. I remember us both in another form. And it's beautiful. Thank you for showing up here today, so I get to smile, just sitting here thinking about it.

The power of our awareness is infinite. I am aware of what I'm feeling and what you bring out in me by showing up here in front of me. And I'm choosing to bathe in it for a little while. I am aware.

The less I try to control my life, and allow it to move me, the more magical moments present itself. The more I recognize you, from another time a space. I love these magical surprises. And those only come in when I stop trying to control life. And trusts it knows the way better than I do. What else do you have in store for me life? I can't wait to be surprised!

Let it be messy

Sitting at the airport, waiting for my flight, I can't help but feel like I'm in a different reality. I watch as people walk me by. And I realize there is so much more to life than what our minds can digest and comprehend. We all live in a space unique to our capacity to perceive. Each time I leave a retreat, after retreating from life for 10 some days, life is different. And of course it's not life that has changed, its the lens I look through into life that has changed. Fine tuned and cleared of any confusion from the smaller part of me, my mind. Clarity has arrived. A deeper dimension of existence, that I didn't know existed, now visible for my seeing. A space in which I can choose to live, whenever I remember to wake up to the reality of it.

And then there is this truth, this shift stays. It is here for good. I am different. This for me is what I love most about what I participate in. The work we put in, the energy, the time, the presence, the sweat, the tears, the laughter, the vulnerable exposures, the risking by reaching through the fear and what scares one, brings this. Something new. Something that uplifts and frees and opens. A space for my soul to breathe. To expand, to soar like an eagle. Connecting the heavens with our reality on earth. Bringing the magic that which we are connected to, into a physical form. So we as teachers can go out in the world, and be that we want to experience in this life. Open-hearted, fully exposed, and deeply in love with self. To experience life through our senses, vibrating with energy, feeling fully alive.

Trusting the spaces between the mind to guide me into the mystery where creation thrives. Where we all birth a new world. One where we don't have to grow through pain, but one where we get to grow through the experience of love. I am doing my work, so I get to teach about love. I can't teach about love, if I haven't fully experience its energy inside me. And so this work I do with my teacher is all about uncoiling that which doesn't belong inside this vessel. The unconscious stories and belief systems that make us belief we are not safe to open to love. That it's not safe to stand in full vulnerability. That we might be abandoned if we show up in an unwavering intimate experience with life and its people. This work is a waking up to my own truth. My own philosophy that makes me act from a place of integrity, respect, appreciation, honesty and of course the energy of the heart. It teaches that we are the creation of our own life. We are magnets of life. We magnify towards us what we are. And if we aren't able to see our unconscious belief systems, life will continue to bring us mirrors to wake us up to that reality. Connecting the dots from past experiences.

The work is self study. What keeps showing up in my life? What challenges do I see over and over in my life? And why do I keep attracting these things into my life? What are they trying to teach me, or wake me up to? A part of myself I am numb to, or can't confront... I can't blame anybody in front of me for an unhappy experience. They are a reflection of what I am inside. This wisdom is so valuable. It has changed my life and the way I view life. It forces me to take responsibility for everything in my life. EVERYTHING. It's all ME. Who I am and what I have is an effect from deep within. No one can make me happy or unhappy. No one can live my life for me. No one can choose for me. I am responsible for me. Every action, every word, every though and every manifestation.

It's about finding clarity within, so I can be more conscious with my energy. And create less confusion or mixed messages outwardly into this world. If we always look for something to fix we will always find something wrong. So it's not about fixing ourselves. It's about becoming present enough to understand how my energy effects the world. How my actions effect the world. And to study how do I show up in this world. Am I creating more chaos, and drama, or am I creating more balance and peace? What message do I send out? And it has very little to do with verbal communications. That is only a small part of it.

Can I love myself enough to show up in respect, no matter what I do? Can I love myself in the face of projections and judgements, especially from those who hold importance in my life? Can I love my insecurities? Can I stop trying to perfect life?

CAN I ALLOW IT TO BE MESSY? That's my message this week. Stop trying to make it look pretty. Perfection is so yesterday. I can stand tall in my nervousness. I can express my insecurity. I can show my feelings to someone. I can make mistakes. I can create conflict by speaking my truth. I can be a leader and teacher, and not know it all. I can be me, fully, in the presence of this world. Let it be MESSY. I don't have to hide that part of myself. It's worth the love that I have to give.

I sometimes forget how valuable the teachings are. I would find myself at times in situations where there is lack of respect, or unconscious behaviors around me in this world. Not that any of those people are doing anything wrong. It's just a reminder of the wisdom I have earned in this process! The valuable teachings that I am learning and now practice. We gather a few times a year in community, brothers and sisters together in one happy family. My toolbox is getting fuller and fuller with ways to meet this life. I am forever grateful for gathering the wisdom I am, to show up for life, my life, in this way. It's life changing, life altering, and purely magic.

I get to judge less, and instead see myself in each one of you. I get to bathe in the true essence of you in front of me, instead of the false perceptions in my ego mind of you. I get to feel more alive. It's quite contagious. So watch out! Life is what you make of it. Do you like what you see around you?