A gain through loss

Gazing out the window today, staring straight into the sun. It is warm outside, but it is cold inside my heart. Can it be that he is gone? One day you walk along side each other, laughing, hiking in the desert, walking til it's dark out. Lying down on the rocks, staring at the stars above, counting our blessings with each shooting star. Open hearted, vulnerable and intimate expressions through the energy we openly share. No words necessary. I watch as he pulls out his guitar and take us on a journey with his song. Words and sounds taking us into the depths of his heart and beyond, as it touches ours. Sounds fill the air speaking of love, light and promise. A boy with a whole life ahead of him, excited to be all he can be. An inspiration for most. A teacher for many, a gifted healer and artist, and above all, a true true friend with an unwavering purity in his heart.

And then all of a sudden, you find yourself left behind, alone on this path made for more than one. Looking back I see many footprints, including his, playfully treading everywhere. And today gazing down, I only see my own. This, a path that a community of open hearted people paved, and continue to walk on together, year in and year out. A community built with a stable foundation, and a mission to balance our lives within the power of love. A community who practice showing up with full commitment for this life, sharing a vision for a peaceful world. A community of artists, rebels, teachers, healers messengers and guides. People that walk through life, off the paved road. We don't truly fit into society like most do. And, in this community we embrace our uniqueness, knowing that we're the creators of a new world. We don't follow. We create. We revolutionize. We out-create and liberate ourselves from our past hurts through the creation of our song, our dance, our poem, and every act of free expression we permit ourselves to share.

To walk a journey in this way, with thousands of people by your side, you grow together intimately. You become a deeper level of friendship, year in and year out. This, a family of your choosing. A place where we keep our hearts open, and permit ourselves the gift of feeling alive. We are sensitive. We are powerful within our sensitivity, and our openness. We know it is the only way to live.

And to then sit on this day with our open hearts, feeling the painful loss and emptiness inside, is just such a heaviness to experience. I know he is in a good place. Can I still be angry? Can I still be selfish and desire to spend more time with him? Can I ask “WHY?” “Too young!!!!” I want to scream. “Why???” I want to scream. I know this is an experience I am meant to walk through. He still is the teacher he used to be in this way. I am meant to learn from you still my friend, a student I am, forever in your honor. This pain in my heart is strong, and the tears just don't seem to wanna dry up.

I know his departure is not so much about him leaving. As it's more about the feelings it bring up in all of us now been left behind.

What is inside this pain? Love I realize. Innocent love lost. And not only that, I am also seeing and feeling the love of this community deeper than ever before. How fucking incredible to feel so much love right in this moment! And not only that, it brought us all together uniting from Europe to USA to South America. The world stood still in his honor yesterday. And it brought all of us together, sitting shoulder to shoulder, in a circle with no beginning and no end, just like you my friend. There will be no end in your existence. You live forever on. Thank you for reminding me that I do know the energy of love. That I am love. That I am deeply loved and connected by so many in the same way. You my friend, has given me so much. And in your honor, I will truly reach through all the shit, the fear, the illusions I get lost in sometimes, and grab each day, and live it, to the best of my ability. As I am alive. Here and now. And I know it is what you would want for me, and it is the least I can do for you, in return for what you have done for me. Be well. In love and memory. Till we meet again. Love remains. Love is the only thing that is real. And through it, you shall always remain. 

Into the Big I AM

I had some writing time today, and sat with the title of my book. “Into the BIG I AM” … and asked myself this question. “What does it mean to be a grown up version of myself?” I don't feel a day older than when I was 10. And quite frankly, I even look the same too! Haha. Have I stopped growing? Or evolving? Am I truly any different? I know we get wiser as we age. Or so they say.

I looked over some letters I wrote, gosh, probably a good 20 years ago (blush)... and saw the same longing, the same curiosity, and the same questions, that still seem to be around today. Interesting, I though to myself. I decided to walk down to Venice, sat in a coffee shop, and do as I've been guided to do. To write! The need to write has been tugging on my heart for a few weeks now.

So much has happened for me in December that shifted my life into something other than the familiar, and I am still in the process of processing it. Or perhaps only now, giving it my full attention. I've been walking around with undigested experiences, and things left hanging over my head, while I was giving work, family and other pressing things all my attention. Finally now, in the last couple of days, I've been able to find ground under my feet again. Ah, yes. I am beginning to arrive back in LA. This energetically I mean. I have been back for a few days already. So much has happened in December that has shifted my reality, and it felt easier to put it aside for the time being, till I could find some quality time to process it through my writing.

It's hard to explain, but now, when I look around, seeing everything around me, it's all still exactly the same. Yet, everything is different.

I am different.

And this because I have met people that created a permanent shift inside myself. Real special people, perhaps friends from another time and place. A reminder of more than just the obvious. I visited places, that gave me new inspirations for this year. And most importantly, reminded me of what is most important in my life. And I believe that this year is the year to get it right. What do I mean with that? To give the things and people in my life, that carry most value, most of my time. And things that are of lesser importance, will have to take the backseat. As much as I've been pursuing this wish for quite some time. I feel the end of last year, has given me enough to work with, to establish this incredible new rhythm for myself. This year greeted me with prosperity, a tropical vacation, strong family bonds, and new (yet familiar) friends, that are adding to my life, and lets not forget a new heart!!

Yes. I have been shedding layers and layers of hurt, watching it poring out of my heart. This started beginning of December, and seemed to have picked up momentum with each day. It's like my heart is being broken open, and all that was stuck is now poring out and through me. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Rumi. “You have to keep breaking your heart, till it opens.” She is surely opening!!!

And all the heartache is now been giving a moment in the spotlight, so it can be free. This life is all about balancing extreme opposites on so many levels. I watch myself swinging from the North pole to the South pole. Sometimes all in one day.

Ah, and then there are these days, moments, and weeks, where there's this sense of BALANCE. Perfection! It's like all is standing still, even when all is moving around me. Like I've made my way to the center of the tornado. The eye. And in this powerful place, I sit. I watch. And most of all I KNOW.

I just know. I feel so alive. I exist. A place I have always wanted to arrive at. Even though I have always been there. I'm beginning to experience it on a deeper-knowing-level, this, inside myself, without the swinging action from North to South, searching for it, or forgetting and remembering it.

And so continue my journey onwards... into the BIG I AM.

Thank you for being a witness. I love you so.  

Happy New Year!

I'm sitting in a cozy coffee shop in Big Bear. Wrapped up in a scarf and sipping steaming hot coffee. It's a beautiful day outside.

My month has been jam packed with travel, meeting new friends, and discovering yet an even deeper connection with my mom. She flew out to LA to spend the holidays with me. I definitely got my sense of adventure from her. She definitely still has it! 

It's a few days before the end of the year and I'm sitting, allowing my mind to drift back in time. This year has made me walk through some of the toughest times of my life, I must admit. And it's easier to recognize now, while on the up and up again. You know how it is. When you're knee deep in the mud, and put one foot in front of the other, you don't always see the depth of mud you're standing in. You just keep a one pointed focus on the next step, as it's pretty much as much as you can handle. 

The interesting thing is that this particular experience has brought me more gifts than I've probably received in most my life. And so I'm living proof that the tough times seem to strengthen you, empower you, and ad to your life, ten fold. Seeing what's been gained here in the now, all the tangible shifts, makes me realize that I'll do it again and again, and yes, again! It was all so worth it. 

Every year is different, as we all know. But this one had a different flavor to it. 

For me, It's the end of a cycle, the last push through the birth canal to something else.  Who knows what?! And this last push, this month of December, has most definitely been the strongest. It sped up for me, and the intensity is still palpating through me. Like I turned around the last corner of the race and now I'm on the last sprint home. Coming home after enduring a long hard race. I can see the finish line, with no one in sight. Am I ahead of the game? Or perhaps a race against my old self? Or against my fearful mind? Or maybe it's not a race at all... Just a stroll in the woods and my mind makes it feel like a race for life or death... 

Which is it? Does it matter, mind? 

Maybe this can be my biggest intention for this year ahead. 

Stop trying to get to 'the knowing' - letting go of the need to KNOW or understand. The thing is, I'll know once I stop trying to figure it out. 

Ironic isn't it? 

I'd rather bathe in the beautiful feelings life shares with me. Experiences that took place that elevate my consciousness, people I met that left me changed, and places I saw that filled me up. 

Each moment has the potential to bring that. 

If I choose to see it! 

And the seeing happens when the mind stops trying to reach the destination of 'knowing' 

Ah, and then there's this day. Here you are. Watching me as I'm inside of you. You are beautiful. This is all that is truly real and tangible. And of course, how I feel. And I feel great inside. My year is ending on a GREAT note. 

And so on that note,  I wish you all a very happy and magical new year. Thank you for being in my life. xo m 

Pain is a great teacher

What is one to do other than contemplate life, and becoming deeply intimate with self, when lying on your back for over two weeks? And not being able to move much. A back injury now so severe, it placed me on my back. Literally. I am in need of support. I have no choice but to place my life in others hands, for support, love, and help. I simply must open and receive. What an incredible gift being forced onto me!

It's been an interesting time for me. As I lie here, with nothing to distract myself with, I have no choice but delve deep inside this pain. Instead of thinking I know what it is, I had to go find a deeper aspect of it, than what my mind came up with. After some time here in the quiet, I eventually found a still point, and in this place, I began to converse with the pain. I didn't realize I was actually going to get some concrete answers back, but I thought I'd give it a shot. And I did!

Then as the next day roll in, I'd somehow find myself in this same still point again. And something would nudge me to stop 'doing/thinking' and listen again. And then I would discover another layer underneath the previous one that needed to express itself! More and more of those day in and day out.

And so I've been in deep meditation, writing, being with my nervous system, my pain body, my heart, my thoughts, my breath, the sounds outside my place, and my soul. As I finally stopped the 'doing' I was able to delve deeper and go find the roots/cause of the pain. And let me tell you. Never in my life have I experienced such pain. Now this pain came UP to heal. So it has in a way always been there. Now finally given a voice to express itself, so it and I can be free! Isn't it amazing to think I am ready to deal with this now, and set it free? The time has arrived for us to part ways! I have been dealing with this for a good year now. Well, probably much longer...And this is the final push through the birth canal.

One realization after another, layer after layer, as I'm dropping my so called 'control' on my life. And allow myself to be supported in the darkness, and the mystery of it all. The spaces of birth/death. The unknown. A dying of an old way and birth of a new being. That is I guess the gift in such severe pain. It paralyzes you, so you have no choice but stop 'doing' and listen. I know this is a death that is taking bits and pieces of me. Consuming parts of me that is not meant to continue on with me in this life. There is a birth about to happen in the spaces that is now becoming empty. And I am mourning parts of myself that's dying, or I can choose to focus on the parts that are about to birth in this new open spaces. The parts of myself I have been asking for. So what do I choose? Where do I want to keep my focus? On what was, and what is dying of, or on what is about to flow in, that has always been my answer, for what I've been searching for.

It seems obvious if one looks at it from this view point. But as humans we can't help but miss the familiar, even when those parts of our existences has caused us most pain. We still tend to grip tight on what we know. Please don't leave! Aren't you here to protect or serve me in some way? Then again, has it ever? The false belief that tells us that it will keep us safe, that we can hide under, has in fact done just the opposite for us!

Then as we wake up, we begin to flow with the truest part of our lives, a part of our existence that has our best interest at heart, now and always. And as trust filters in more, you begin to see the rainbow, and the light filtering from everywhere and the blessings flowing in, ready to be received by you. Where have you been all my life? “here” it would respond. Sadly, unnoticed by us, as we were too busy to keep our focus on what is missing, or leaving our path, than the beauty and love that keeps knocking on our hearts.

I was grinning to myself a couple of days ago... Really?! Am I THIS stubborn? That it had to take THIS much pain for me to STOP and LISTEN! It takes a lot to bring me down. I do like to put up a fight. lol.. And now I'm putting down the swords. I am done fighting. I am LOVING it to death instead. That feels a lot sweeter, doesn't it?

I am deep in my heart and see this whole thing as a blessing. It's like I finally GET it. It's definitely showing me what I'm made of, it tested me, it pushed me to my limits and beyond. And now beginning to see the light on the other side, I can say it brought empowerment. It has slowed down my pace, to one that I am meant to walk from now on. This a new way of being. The old is just not serving me anymore. A new rhythm. One filled with the feminine qualities, bringing more trust, intuition and surrendering to the journey. One that follows her own heartbeat, and not the ego driven rhythm of the world. This means to trust more than ever before. To live in a place of mystery. The place of continual birth. Birthing out of a place of the unknown. I will continue dropping deeper into this place, knowing I am not alone. I am supported and guided every step of the way. The path will be under me as I step into the darkness.

I've learnt so much about myself, my past, my lineage, and also what's about to birth in this new open space that's being created!!! I see it clearly. I understand it. I intended something big over the full moon a couple of weeks ago, and so this is showing me, someone is listening, cos things are moving! Quickly. It's already happening. I can feel the new energy already penetrating my existence.

I guess all I've learned on my spiritual journey is not put to the test, to see if all this wisdom I share with others, can actually be used in practicality. I will continue sharing my process with you all. Thanks for giving me the space to share this in open and vulnerable exposures. Endless love. Xoxo

Home has found me

I have longed for a deep connection with myself for as long I can remember.

I have walked a full circle, and now arriving back at the beginning. It is a strangely familiar feeling, and I keep trying to figure it out mentally. My experience I have with life today is so very different, than just a month ago and before. It's like I have been on this road before, and I can see my own footprints underneath this new soil. New soil now covered in the new times we are creating for ourselves. I have arrived at the entrance way of my own soul, and hanging above me is a big sign that reads 'HOME'. I see a road ahead, and carefully placing one foot in front of the other. Anticipating an endless supply of fulfilling existence ahead. “It is about time,” I thought to myself.

I was HOME for just a brief moment in my life. Perhaps for as little as six months. Right after my birth, I was already walking away from it. A journey my soul needed to take. I was too young to rebel against it. A tool I have used many times before, when I would try and resist life flowing me in a certain direction.

I have been traveling along this dusty road, on my way somewhere. For most the time that I've been on this road my eyes were on the road behind me. I so longed to be HOME. I barely experienced home, yet, it left an imprint strong enough to never forget, no matter how far away I would walk from it. It's like I heard whispers from it day in and day out. It's been calling me back from the moment I set foot away from it.

It was very hard for me to keep my eyes on the road in front of me, because I knew that the road ahead will be filled with experiences I might not like, and experiences that might make me forget about HOME, or the sense that I BELONG somewhere. My resistance has always been strong, and it makes sense to me now. I don't know if I'd truly ever wanted a life of solitude. I have always been alone. Is that truly a choosing of my conscious mind? I don't think anyone in their right mind would want that. Everybody longs for connection. I have done this thing called life, all by myself. In the face of connections and people around me. There has always something that set me apart from life and its people.

It's like having my foot on the gas petal and at the same time having my hand on the emergency break. If I were to look out ahead on this road, I'd see no signs of HOME. But when I would look back, it's like I could still see it. Even if not physically. It felt a shorter distance backwards than forwards.

And then one day, along this dirt road, it hit me. If I keep looking back, I am slowing down my pace and I am prolonging my journey back to it. And because I am not going backwards, but heading forwards, it meant that HOME is in fact ahead of me. The more I walk this path ahead of me, the sooner I will find HOME again. The more I look back at what once was called HOME, it will take longer to re-unite with it again.

What made me walk away from it? Obviously not my conscious mind. Someone had a bigger plan for me. And I had to obey. I have been away from it for so long, that I forgot the essence of it. Even though my pursuit has always been that. To discover my place in this big big world. A place I can call home. And throughout my travels, and searching, I have forgotten what I was searching for. I lost myself in the ego pursuits of this world. I know I was searching for something. Yet my searches has changed into empty pursuits, that would when I found what I though I was looking for, would give me temporary satisfaction, and then would leave me empty again. As if I get dumped back at the start of my search for HOME again.

And so about a month ago, I stepped onto a new platform. A place I have never been before. And the familiarity of this place is hypnotic. It has transported me into an energy I could dwell in forever. “I have been here before,” I thought to myself. And the scenery is just so unique that there is no way I have ever been here before. This confusion has left me with a big question mark over my life. What is this familiar feeling, in a space I have yet to discover? This newness feels like a re-uniting with self in a way I have never experienced before.

It's like a part of my being stayed behind at the place I originally called HOME, and a month ago, I took a step forward and stepped straight into that part of myself. Merging with the one I have been looking for, which feels like forever, yet just a glimpse in time, when measured in the eternity of existence.

And now in this new-ancient place... I am re-discovering the soul that I am. The gifts that I am. The purpose that I am. The light that I radiate. The love that I embody. The wisdom that I have earned. The strength and conviction I live and move from. The ability to see life for what it truly is. The intuition that I seem to have always had, now trusting it more.

And remembering the child that never had her time under the Sun. She is now tugging on my sleeve, asking me if it's ok to go build castles in the sun. To chase the waves as they're breaking on the deserted beach. To sing along to the birds song above in the trees. To fill her day with music and color. To talk to the moon. To run to the horizon and back. To chase butterflies in the meadows. To go sit under the rainbow and talk to the animals.

A shedding of skin, one layer of illusion after another, is what's happening under the surface. Re-claiming the child that could never be silenced by life. She is claiming her right to be here now. And opening gift after gift, day in and day out, of all the unique qualities that she was born with. Now bringing them up to the conscious mind. This unfolding is happening organically. An eternal journey, walking a full circle, remembering the innocence and purity of heart.

I see a fulfilling and meaningful life filled with connections, before me, in the empty spaces I am stepping into. Who knows what I might find. Or should I say, who knows what else I might discover about myself.

A life now turning upside down, and leaving behind the old story that life is meant to be lived alone. Connections are filtering in from all around, as I have found my connection with self. Ones that are equal to the soul that I am. A sharing of powerful soul connections. Brothers, sisters, friends, and lovers from older lives. I see more and more of them filtering in. Thank you for reminding me of parts of myself that used to be dormant. Each moment I get to connect with you again in this life, I'm seeing myself in a new light. I am at awe, seeing myself in each one of you.

It leaves a smile, that lingers. A heart now filled to the brim. A feeling of satisfaction. HOME has come to me. Even though I have been walking towards it. It has also come to meet me. Just at the right time. Now all that's needed is to sit back, relax, and watch it unfolds in perfect harmony. And I'm choosing to be in a space of open arms, and open hands. And I keep asking my mind to surrender whenever it still wants to understand everything, or wants to push its will onto life.

It's happening. It's all around me, and this because its inside of me. An overflowing from the inside, attracting that which I am, reminding me of the unconscious parts of my soul, the true I am. A deep love connection with self, will usher in that from the outside. A deeper understanding of my purpose. And a new playground to remind myself of the importance of enjoyment. A life written in ancient times. A HOME now discovered through an entrance way I know intimately. Who knows where this path will lead me... My guess is into some of the deepest layers of my soul, I have yet to discover. So deep, that, perhaps no lifetime has given me that privilege. I am ready. Let the horn blows for the start of this new adventure, re-aligning me with the true spirit that I am.

A glimpse of Africa

I enjoy my life here in LA. And sometimes I get too caught up with the city life here, that I forget how much I love being connected to nature. Luckily I get to travel to places like Sedona, New Mexico, Joshua Tree, and Ojai. And every time I arrive on one of these enchanted playgrounds, I get reminded of the deep love I have for it. Growing up in Africa gave me the privilege and the understanding of the value nature has to offer to life and its people. I remember we used to go to school barefoot with not a care in the world! Imagine that here in LA! I believe there are rules against it here. My feet was one with the earth. I used to run barefoot on the farmhouse grounds, walked through mud, water and whatever else showed up in front of me. On rare occasions a painful thorn would cut through my foot. It would hurt so much that my dad would have to come get me and carry me back home on his shoulders. Even that pain didn't stop me from connecting with her. I could not imagine separating myself from her, wearing shoes, creating a barrier between the soles of my feet and the soil of her rich earth.

Africa represents something very special to me. It's called freedom. The smell of grass, the wet soil after a thunder storm, the smell in the air after our first Summers rain, and the sound of the river next to the house was hypnotic. Of course as most humans we only appreciate these elements when it's absent in our lives. I didn't care much for it then. Or perhaps I did as much as I could at such a young age. I had a very strong desire to move to the US for most my young life, and that caused me to miss some of Africa's beauty then, but I can still recall everything about it, as if I've lived there just yesterday.

Being deeply connected to the earth like that, has left an imprint deep inside, that has gifted me with something very special. And that makes me who I am today. I believe I can find my sanity in a city like LA as I'm able to exchange with nature in this way. I can still find my ground within all the craziness this city comes with. This by remembering a love that runs deep within my veins. It gave me a sense of adventure that I will carry with me till my last day on this earth. I am a kid at heart, and believe I will always be one no matter my age. Being connected to the earth ushers in a purity of heart and brings an appreciation for the cycle of life. I just get it. I've witnessed it intimately, over and over again growing up. The cycle of life and death. Impermanence. Not just in nature, this too in the loss of numerous significant people in my life, passing over to the other side. Africa ushers in many experiences where we get to truly learn the impermanence of life. And it brings the gift of living each day to the fullest. I find that most South Africans have that sense of aliveness and adventure. “Why wait for tomorrow? Lets do it today!”

Everywhere you look in Africa, you will find ample space, beautiful nature, and untouched earth all around. A vast panoramic vision everywhere you look, reminding you that there's so much more to life than the concrete buildings we live in, and what we do or pursue as a career. Who we are and what we are connected to, is what's most important. The Kruger Park is the biggest game farm in South Africa. It has many entrances. We lived closed to one of the gates of this particular park. So we would spend almost every weekend in the park.

Tracing footprints of animals, listening to the sounds of birds and learning which is which. Counting shooting stars and getting lost in the cosmos gazing at the milky way on a cloudless night. For most nights it was shining brightly down at us. The Southern Cross and all the other heavenly bodies showed up in their full presence, and lets not forget the open vanilla skies. No wonder I have a very special connection with the stars and the planets. I feel there energies pulsing through my body. I've seen some of the most spectacular sunsets to date in Africa. It's mesmerizing and captivating, and just too beautiful to capture with a camera. Instead I would capture it with my heart, now stored in my memory.

Then as you lie on your back, and watch the sun go down, you begin to hear the sound of the animals spiraling louder and louder around you. Many nights we'd camp out, and it would feel as if there is no separation between you and nature. You hear the predators walking around your tent, smelling you sleeping on the inside. Or should I say, trying to sleep, while your shivering from fear, waiting for their attack, and you becoming a midnight snack!

I feel blessed to have had the privilege to experience life in this way. I walked away from it for a long time. I cursed it when everything around me in my family life came crashing down. When things beyond my control were happening, and all I had to do was go along with what was happening. And I think I got bitter at God and nature for taking away all I loved so dearly and dropped me into environments with the lack of love. And so I disconnected from it for a long time. I didn't realize I did, until one fine morning a few years back, sitting in New Mexico. This, my first trip to that particular part of the country. I felt the wind blowing against my skin, and it spoke to me. It came to remind me of its existence, and how much I used to love it. In that moment I remembered a part of myself I've lost or gave up when I was very little. And the memories of Africa started filtering back in. The love I have for it and the longing to connect with it, was palpable. I started waking up, and remembering the child who used to love nature and who lived with an unwavering trust and open heart! I missed that part of myself tremendously.

Africa is inside of me. I disconnected to a very big part of myself, because I was bitter. I trusted life and everything in my life. I loved unconditionally, with a purity of a child's heart. And when life took a turn for the worse, it left me in a space of shock. And I turned my back on life, thinking that life turned its back on me. I swallowed myself, and went inward, escaping what was uncomfortable on the outside. I disconnected from the ground under me, and everything I trusted and knew that I called my so called life, and I went silent and numb.

And on this beautiful day in NM a new journey started, one taking me back into nature and into myself. Allowing a feeling of support and trust to filter back in. I needed to heal and let go of resentments, and walls I built around myself, and the illusion that life is not to be trusted. Blaming life for my circumstances was not really getting me anywhere anyhow. The sensations under the soles of my feet continued to change year in and year out since this wake up call. The sensitivity of it started to come back and I gave in to the support underneath it, opening bit by bit. Beginning to receive the earth and its support I used to trust unconditionally like any child should.

Every day I'm dropping veil after veil, letting go of resentments and painful memories. Things that just don't deserve the value of my time in the present moment anymore. Life is waiting. The beauty of life keeps knocking. There is just too much magic around to hold to to anything from the past. I can allow it to co-exist in the present, as it sculpted me in this way. As long as it's not being used to excuse myself from my purpose and life that is meant to be lived today.

And today I feel deeply connected to her, like I used to feel when I was little, roaming around on the African soil. She speaks to me. She nurtures. She supports. She validates. She gives life. She protects. She pulls me out of my ego and reminds me of the true meaning of life. She guides me into my eternal beating heart. A heart that can never be silenced. The force that it is, is just too powerful to be taken down by life. The challenges only makes her beating louder and with more conviction. She is a native African woman. We are durable goods and can handle a lot. In some ways perhaps even welcome the challenges of life, as it keeps life interesting. And it brings out the best in me. Especially when I bring the purity of my innocent heart to meet life, heart first.

Africa has taught me so much about life and I can't wait to give back to her what she has given me.

Full Circle

A new sense of pleasure is bursting through the gates of heaven.
Igniting the world on fire. Painted with the sounds of innocent laughter.
 
Coloring the sky with scarlet red and indigo.  
Painting a new heaven and earth.
 
A playground for the innocent and fearless.
Creating a gateway for sublime joy and uncontrollable laughter.
 
A caravan of possibilities makes their arrival from a long journey at last.
Carrying with it broken pieces of memory.
 
Pieces lost in a memory woven through shockwaves from the past.
Re-uniting child and innocence once more.
 
Child innocence with an immense desire to live with an unwavering purpose.
A drive force directed and experienced through the purity of a child’s heart
 
A life dipped in a dark chocolate coating, rich in sugar sweet fulfillment.
A life in service. Leaving traces of sweetness through each act of expression.
 
A life of clarity and precision.  Steered by the impulses of a child’s senses.  
A drive force directing age-old wisdom through playful existence.
 
Discovering a journey, footprints underneath the layers of this world.
Hidden beneath, exists another world now open for discovery.
 
An old world with messengers for this life is arriving with the rain.
A journey, this I see. Walking a full circle of eternal discovery.
 
A child chasing the sun, jumping fully into life.
Experiencing a sensitized adventure of belonging.
 
A playground of innocent wonder.
Toes in the mud.  Ponytails in the wind.
 
Sounds of a familiar song echoing from above. A lullaby ancient, yet timeless.
The scratching of the needle seems to vanish with the melody of song.
 
A song about purpose, passion and power.
All covered in strawberry innocence and beauty.
 
A child returning home, remembering the innocence.
A soul revealing itself, remembering the journey.
 
A soul child walking along a path towards the now.
Collecting the past in a butterfly net.
 
Embracing what was. Loving what is.
Anticipating and endless supply of fulfilling existence.
 
A messenger of the wind.
Discovering the undiscovered.
 
Celebrating the freedom of being alive.
The world is hers to entertain.
 
A child surrendering into the simplicity of life.
And here, a message from your own inner child.  
 
Live through feeling. Express through being.
Love passionately. Open fearlessly.
 
Give endlessly. Be fully.
Surrender beyond possibility.
 
Speak truthfully.
Trust eternally.
 
Walk where no one has ever walked.
Create. Create. Create the life you TRULY are!!!!
 
Claim your child.
Surrender deeper into yourself.

Connections from long ago

Life brings us people we are meant to connect with. And every now and then you crash into one that you know intimately, yet, meeting for the first time. In your search in finding yourself in this big world, life brings you people that come to remind you of who you are.

You can see it shining back from within their eyes. You recognize. It wakes up memories from long ago. What does that mean for today? That is the question the mind wants to confuse one with. Does it matter what it means? Not really. Can I sit with the feeling and savor it instead of trying to figure out its meaning?

The alchemy already happened the moment the energy stirred up from within. A glimpse from the past to light the way into the future. Strong connections from past lives can be just that. A connection and a memory filtering back up again. It's beautiful. It's special. And it's a recognition from a soul level. No one else can see or feel it. And that makes it even more special. A gift onto me.

A mirror in front of me, showing me parts of myself I haven't fully recognized in this life. Waking something up inside me. A feeling of belonging, all unspoken, yet profoundly powerful. We walk along our journey here on earth, and as we stare into the eyes of one we know, we feel we belong. We belong to something so much bigger than the surface of this life. I see you!

The order of this life is so precise and woven into the most beautiful web, divinely inspired. It's just too much for the mind to comprehend. And then there is this new energy stirring from within. A waking up to more parts of myself that I missed, and been disconnected from, for a very long time. Thank you for showing up here today, to remind me of something forgotten. I missed it.

From the outside life looks a certain way, and from the inside it's all so very different. You simply drop under the verbal communications, and communicate with the energy of life and its people. That's where the truth lies. Not in the verbal communications we distract ourselves with. Those are on the surface.

When you look closely, you see everyone is acting out life in a certain way. And then there is the truth. Underneath all that you can see on the surface. And those are sometimes so profoundly different, it's amusing. I so enjoy life in this way. It keeps my day very interesting.

No need to act on this feeling. No need to point it out. No need to do anything about it. Other than just to receive it. To enjoy it. And feel the energy it creates within my body. It puts me on a high. I see you. I know you. I feel you. I remember you. I see myself in you. I remember us both in another form. And it's beautiful. Thank you for showing up here today, so I get to smile, just sitting here thinking about it.

The power of our awareness is infinite. I am aware of what I'm feeling and what you bring out in me by showing up here in front of me. And I'm choosing to bathe in it for a little while. I am aware.

The less I try to control my life, and allow it to move me, the more magical moments present itself. The more I recognize you, from another time a space. I love these magical surprises. And those only come in when I stop trying to control life. And trusts it knows the way better than I do. What else do you have in store for me life? I can't wait to be surprised!

Let it be messy

Sitting at the airport, waiting for my flight, I can't help but feel like I'm in a different reality. I watch as people walk me by. And I realize there is so much more to life than what our minds can digest and comprehend. We all live in a space unique to our capacity to perceive. Each time I leave a retreat, after retreating from life for 10 some days, life is different. And of course it's not life that has changed, its the lens I look through into life that has changed. Fine tuned and cleared of any confusion from the smaller part of me, my mind. Clarity has arrived. A deeper dimension of existence, that I didn't know existed, now visible for my seeing. A space in which I can choose to live, whenever I remember to wake up to the reality of it.

And then there is this truth, this shift stays. It is here for good. I am different. This for me is what I love most about what I participate in. The work we put in, the energy, the time, the presence, the sweat, the tears, the laughter, the vulnerable exposures, the risking by reaching through the fear and what scares one, brings this. Something new. Something that uplifts and frees and opens. A space for my soul to breathe. To expand, to soar like an eagle. Connecting the heavens with our reality on earth. Bringing the magic that which we are connected to, into a physical form. So we as teachers can go out in the world, and be that we want to experience in this life. Open-hearted, fully exposed, and deeply in love with self. To experience life through our senses, vibrating with energy, feeling fully alive.

Trusting the spaces between the mind to guide me into the mystery where creation thrives. Where we all birth a new world. One where we don't have to grow through pain, but one where we get to grow through the experience of love. I am doing my work, so I get to teach about love. I can't teach about love, if I haven't fully experience its energy inside me. And so this work I do with my teacher is all about uncoiling that which doesn't belong inside this vessel. The unconscious stories and belief systems that make us belief we are not safe to open to love. That it's not safe to stand in full vulnerability. That we might be abandoned if we show up in an unwavering intimate experience with life and its people. This work is a waking up to my own truth. My own philosophy that makes me act from a place of integrity, respect, appreciation, honesty and of course the energy of the heart. It teaches that we are the creation of our own life. We are magnets of life. We magnify towards us what we are. And if we aren't able to see our unconscious belief systems, life will continue to bring us mirrors to wake us up to that reality. Connecting the dots from past experiences.

The work is self study. What keeps showing up in my life? What challenges do I see over and over in my life? And why do I keep attracting these things into my life? What are they trying to teach me, or wake me up to? A part of myself I am numb to, or can't confront... I can't blame anybody in front of me for an unhappy experience. They are a reflection of what I am inside. This wisdom is so valuable. It has changed my life and the way I view life. It forces me to take responsibility for everything in my life. EVERYTHING. It's all ME. Who I am and what I have is an effect from deep within. No one can make me happy or unhappy. No one can live my life for me. No one can choose for me. I am responsible for me. Every action, every word, every though and every manifestation.

It's about finding clarity within, so I can be more conscious with my energy. And create less confusion or mixed messages outwardly into this world. If we always look for something to fix we will always find something wrong. So it's not about fixing ourselves. It's about becoming present enough to understand how my energy effects the world. How my actions effect the world. And to study how do I show up in this world. Am I creating more chaos, and drama, or am I creating more balance and peace? What message do I send out? And it has very little to do with verbal communications. That is only a small part of it.

Can I love myself enough to show up in respect, no matter what I do? Can I love myself in the face of projections and judgements, especially from those who hold importance in my life? Can I love my insecurities? Can I stop trying to perfect life?

CAN I ALLOW IT TO BE MESSY? That's my message this week. Stop trying to make it look pretty. Perfection is so yesterday. I can stand tall in my nervousness. I can express my insecurity. I can show my feelings to someone. I can make mistakes. I can create conflict by speaking my truth. I can be a leader and teacher, and not know it all. I can be me, fully, in the presence of this world. Let it be MESSY. I don't have to hide that part of myself. It's worth the love that I have to give.

I sometimes forget how valuable the teachings are. I would find myself at times in situations where there is lack of respect, or unconscious behaviors around me in this world. Not that any of those people are doing anything wrong. It's just a reminder of the wisdom I have earned in this process! The valuable teachings that I am learning and now practice. We gather a few times a year in community, brothers and sisters together in one happy family. My toolbox is getting fuller and fuller with ways to meet this life. I am forever grateful for gathering the wisdom I am, to show up for life, my life, in this way. It's life changing, life altering, and purely magic.

I get to judge less, and instead see myself in each one of you. I get to bathe in the true essence of you in front of me, instead of the false perceptions in my ego mind of you. I get to feel more alive. It's quite contagious. So watch out! Life is what you make of it. Do you like what you see around you?

Non-doing

I sat in my car today, before getting out to go and enjoy the day. And for some reason I couldn't move.

I paused and asked myself “what do I feel like doing right now?” I have the rest of the day off! It's magical to have these non-work pockets in my week. I realize more and more how much I need the space to just be. To feel free. To honor what I want, instead of what others want. And let me get this straight, I love being of service to others! And, can I 'serve' myself too?

I couldn't think of a single thing to do! I have been in such an interesting energetic space since the beginning of the year. I am not myself. I'm the type of person that loves being busy, and doing things, and running errands, and planning, and DOING, period.

It's taken me till today, to realize, something has massively shifted, and that part of me is gone. And I still run my life as if I am still that. And then I keep pushing against things that just aren't meant to be.

I have changed. I have this strong desire to be in a place of non-doing. To just let go and savor life. To take a walk to the beach, and then go nap under the sun. To sit with a cup of coffee and watch people move around me. To lie on the grass and watching my cats play around me. To step into a homeless persons body, and feel their longings. To listening to the birds singing their hearts out above me on the traffic pole. To feel the wind dropping kisses on my skin. To enjoy watching people interacting with each other.

I find myself dropping deep into the present moment. Bliss.

I am letting go of the need to stay busy, the need to always DOING life. And I'm allowing for the essence of life to penetrate my being. I'm bringing in the energy of RECEIVING life instead.

The most beautiful things happen when we receive life. When we are in a constant space of doing, we block ourselves from receiving what is. When we stop doing, we receive. The doing, or staying busy, blocks the space to open and receive.

To receive the day, the sun, and the present moment. Intuition only filters in when we are open to receiving it. We can't receive intuition when we are constantly 'doing'.

We have masculine and feminine energies that reside within us. They co-exist.

Masculine energy is all about action, doing, thinking, talking, drive force, acting, busy...

Feminine energy is all about allowing, being, feeling, watching, surrendering, trusting, non-doing...

Most people live from a more masculine driven energy, both male and female. It blocks the deeper parts of life from filtering in. For most my life I lived in that place. And it seems as though life has given me this new playground to play on lately. I feel, oh so very different. It's very new to me. I feel like a young girl, who is learning how to walk for the first time, and being in the world for the first time.

I get to experience the beauty of life. It's not passing me by unnoticed anymore. Such a gift. When I practice yoga, I allow myself to receive the pose and what it has to offer. I'm taking out the 'doing' in the pose, and bringing in the 'being'

In that place we are unlimited. Anything is possible. We are infinite. In that place we get to create a deeper way of being in the world.

In this wide open, empty space, I find ample time for work, and play. This because I'm not filling my day with things, just because.

And so, it's taken me till this moment, to open my eyes to this shift. I am just not that of yesterday anymore. She has left the building. I am this. And she understands the value of her time, and the value of existence. And she is not willing to fill the empty spaces with junk anymore. She is now filling it will beauty, dissolving into life, and receiving it.

So what does she feels like 'doing' today. As little as possible please! Even when I am teaching, I am not doing, anymore. I am watching. There's just nothing to DO! We allow. I allow my heart so speak and teach. That is the feminine energy. The mind is the one who still feels like it needs to DO something.

There is nothing wrong with using the masculine energies inside us. But it's 'wrong' when it's all we are using. It's all about finding balance. Use the masculine energy for basic practicality of life. And then using the feminine energies to make life sweeter.

So all in all, I'm stepping away from the mind more and more, and allow the heart to lead the way! So I'm going to stop pushing against what I should be doing. And I'm going to allow my heart to show me what it feels like, I need to be receiving and enjoying.