In my internal evolution I noticed the past two years has brought experiences of deep exposure. The bridge between the astral plane and physical plane keeps getting thinner and thinner for me. Feeling open and vulnerable in the world has never been an easy thing for me. I grew up in an environment where it wasn't safe to be open, exposed and loud. My work in this life has taken me through many avenues where I had to stare that fear straight in the face. And walk across that bridge, feeling the predators luring under me in the water. Death ready to consume me and end my physical existence.
“I am in the spotlight. Everyone can see me. I have to speak. What if my voice won't do the job.”
And so life brought me careers and jobs and hobbies that will require me to lean into this fear and conquer. The fear of speaking in front of groups has inhibited me from studying the art of yoga for three some years, till I took the plunge. It was the year 2005. I lied to myself intending to just take the training without ever wanting to teach. I desperately wanted to teach yoga. I admire the yogis in the classroom, walking around confidently, beautifully, expressing themselves in their brilliance. I wanted that. I wanted to be that. And I never thought it possible. Not me. That is simply not my path. Its a dream for another person that carry those skills.
I heard a beautiful saying from my spiritual teacher a while back. We can only see in another what we have in ourselves. If I see power, ease, and creativity in you, I see that through my own 'beingness' in this world. Perhaps hidden, locked down in some unconscious vault inside me, are those gifts yet to discover.
I loved the training. It changed my perception of life. I felt right at home. Still the fear of sharing my voice in a crowd was outweighing the desire to lead others. I am drawn to a career that will bring me experiences I dread, like death itself. Why can't life be easier and bring you a desire for something you're more comfortable with?
Well, why would a soul re-incarnate into a body, into this world, re-living, and re-learning qualities it's already a master of? We are here once more to study and learn the things we are in need of. To become more balanced, more whole and free, like never before. I do get that. If only it was less painful. I understand that through the pain and challenge we grow, we transform and become all we are inside flowering outward, becoming a gift onto this world. We simply must continue on our path. Without question.
I started testing my voice in small groups out in nature, leading a few friends through yoga, exchanging by donation. It was scary. It took all of my energy to walk towards this moment to lead them through a class. I would sit in my car, sweat, shake, obsessing in my mind, listening to the voices in my head till my head spins out of control. Were I too quit, life would be simpler. We always have a choice. Yet something inside me pushed forward.
And each time after teaching a class I'd experience a bliss-like sensation I haven't felt before. A lightness, joy, and expansion. What was that??? Empowerment creeped each time I walked through the biggest fear of my life, realizing on the other side of it was success. I did it. I won. It took quite a while for those nerves to lessen. Some days it was almost unbearable, reminding me of my struggle with panic attacks in an earlier part of my life. Other days it would be almost effortless, my mind was quiet, and I felt more trust. It kept sneaking in bit by bit.
Each time I step up in life, risking more, I find myself back at square one. Anxious just like my first class, just now in an actual yoga studio. The nerves didn't go away and the judgments from my own critic inside stayed with me for weeks to follow. I would beat myself up internally for not showing up in perfection.
Such a shame as this pursuit of perfection is completely unattainable. We can never arrive at this destination. So it's a pursuit that will always leave us disappointed. At the time it seemed important. To be perfect and lovable. Because in this space of imperfection I am not that. Lovable. I simply must be perfect to experience the energy of love in my life. How sad, looking back, realizing I spilled so much energy outward because of it.
It took another 500 hours, and more, to start gaining confidence in my voice. More and more classes started to snuck in weekly. On one beautiful afternoon walking home after teaching, it struck me how much healing has occurred. I barely use any of my personal energy before class worrying about class, and I gain a whole universe of energy as an exchange. And each time I teach, being deeply consumed in the present moment, is in fact the deepest meditation I've ever experienced. How I feel prior to, after class, is radically different. Wow.
I am ruled by a fire sign, my rising a fire sign, and moon an earth sign. This fire and strong spirit inside this body seem to have kept pushing me upward, as if enjoying each challenge, each fear-given moment. I can't seem to relax after one accomplishment. Each time I feel victorious, I was looking for the next mountain to climb. A good addiction to have, I would say. And so I added workshops, immersions, yoga and meditation trainings. And lets not forget retreats.
In my study around energy and people, starting with myself, I begin to see patterns. Each new height in my life, must be reached through a similar painful experience. I would hit the same terror inside, and the fear of being exposed. The fear of being seen in the spotlight. The fear of not knowing if my voice will show up the way I want it too. And then the fear would spiral bigger in my mind, bringing all the judgements. What if people see the fear in me, and judge or reject me?
Especially now, after eight years of teaching. Being a veteran teacher brings more of my own judgements. “I must surely be over this fear by now,”
It is part of me. It makes me who I am. It is who I am.
As much as my constitution is strong, I am hyper sensitive. And highly intuitive. The energy of anxiety and intuition are only a few degrees different. It's a shift in perception. If I can love the energy of anxiety I feel it in my body, it becomes intuition. Then bring love and anxiety and mix them together. They turn into compassion, and the gift of seeing beyond the surface of life. A deeper way of feeling and residing in this world. And the more I meditate and do my spiritual work, the more I feel the energy of the world.
I feel everything. I feel you. I feel everything about you.
And as I continue to open to a deeper dimension of life, experiencing life in a more subtle, expanded way, its like I'm living in a another dimension, while residing in the physical, I feel more and more exposed. As they vail of the astral plane and physical plane gets thinner. I begin to see more, feel more, experience more. Things are brighter, more vivid. You are more beautiful. Ah, the heart is opening!
And as all these beautiful shifts occur, my mind seem to fear the old fear again.
I feel exposed. I am deeply exposed, open, and standing in full vulnerability!!
I am becoming more and more intimate with the world around me. This all in the face of this fear I know so intimately. I keep dancing, going back and forth, with feelings of high bliss states, and fearful anxiety filled moments. It's a switch in awareness. Its all how I like to direct my focus.
And then I remember that this journey is meant to be shared with you. This journey that I've walked till now. These painful, scary moments are all so worth it, when I can express the teachings I have learnt on the way with you. You, in desperate need to hear. To know there is hope. Anything is possible. With hard work, conviction and determination, all is reachable. We can all have the dream we once thought impossible.
We can be that which we admire in life. We already are that. We must simply trust the order of this life. We must not give in to the fear our mind holds, and remember its all a game this life we are in. Just watch it. Be part of it. Don't become the fear. Just allow it to be there. Let it have it's moment in the spotlight, then let it move.
I am not my fear. I feel it moving through me at times. I am not my emotions or my feelings. They are just something I experience for a moment in time. And if I give them a voice, a place to become a reality, and not push it away, it seem to stay small, exactly what they are. Small moments I get to experience on this journey. And lets not forget the bigger reason for them existing. They are there so I get to experience them, so I get to teach about them.
I am a teacher of life. My life. I experience. I teach. I learn. I teach. I heal. I teach.
So stop fighting against the order of life. Resistance can be, oh so painful at times. I will continue to stand tall in my imperfections, my fear, my joy, my expansion, my past, the present and what is yet to come. And I will continue to love, especially love those parts of myself I have given little or no love to in the past.
Each time I walk through the terror, my voice seem to hold more power. The ability to move energy with my voice has become obvious to me. They say our biggest obstacles become our biggest gifts. If everything you want in on the other side of this mountain, would you brave climbing over it? How much would you risk/work for the things you truly desire? In the face of judgements, rejections, and who knows, maybe even pushing you to stand alone in this big world?
Can you love yourself in the spaces of deep and vulnerable exposures?