I had some writing time today, and sat with the title of my book. “Into the BIG I AM” … and asked myself this question. “What does it mean to be a grown up version of myself?” I don't feel a day older than when I was 10. And quite frankly, I even look the same too! Haha. Have I stopped growing? Or evolving? Am I truly any different? I know we get wiser as we age. Or so they say.
I looked over some letters I wrote, gosh, probably a good 20 years ago (blush)... and saw the same longing, the same curiosity, and the same questions, that still seem to be around today. Interesting, I though to myself. I decided to walk down to Venice, sat in a coffee shop, and do as I've been guided to do. To write! The need to write has been tugging on my heart for a few weeks now.
So much has happened for me in December that shifted my life into something other than the familiar, and I am still in the process of processing it. Or perhaps only now, giving it my full attention. I've been walking around with undigested experiences, and things left hanging over my head, while I was giving work, family and other pressing things all my attention. Finally now, in the last couple of days, I've been able to find ground under my feet again. Ah, yes. I am beginning to arrive back in LA. This energetically I mean. I have been back for a few days already. So much has happened in December that has shifted my reality, and it felt easier to put it aside for the time being, till I could find some quality time to process it through my writing.
It's hard to explain, but now, when I look around, seeing everything around me, it's all still exactly the same. Yet, everything is different.
I am different.
And this because I have met people that created a permanent shift inside myself. Real special people, perhaps friends from another time and place. A reminder of more than just the obvious. I visited places, that gave me new inspirations for this year. And most importantly, reminded me of what is most important in my life. And I believe that this year is the year to get it right. What do I mean with that? To give the things and people in my life, that carry most value, most of my time. And things that are of lesser importance, will have to take the backseat. As much as I've been pursuing this wish for quite some time. I feel the end of last year, has given me enough to work with, to establish this incredible new rhythm for myself. This year greeted me with prosperity, a tropical vacation, strong family bonds, and new (yet familiar) friends, that are adding to my life, and lets not forget a new heart!!
Yes. I have been shedding layers and layers of hurt, watching it poring out of my heart. This started beginning of December, and seemed to have picked up momentum with each day. It's like my heart is being broken open, and all that was stuck is now poring out and through me. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Rumi. “You have to keep breaking your heart, till it opens.” She is surely opening!!!
And all the heartache is now been giving a moment in the spotlight, so it can be free. This life is all about balancing extreme opposites on so many levels. I watch myself swinging from the North pole to the South pole. Sometimes all in one day.
Ah, and then there are these days, moments, and weeks, where there's this sense of BALANCE. Perfection! It's like all is standing still, even when all is moving around me. Like I've made my way to the center of the tornado. The eye. And in this powerful place, I sit. I watch. And most of all I KNOW.
I just know. I feel so alive. I exist. A place I have always wanted to arrive at. Even though I have always been there. I'm beginning to experience it on a deeper-knowing-level, this, inside myself, without the swinging action from North to South, searching for it, or forgetting and remembering it.
And so continue my journey onwards... into the BIG I AM.
Thank you for being a witness. I love you so.