I exist

I took a yoga class today, something I haven't done in quite some time. My body thanked me. I've used the past three years to meditate, heal and study energy. Cultivating a deeper sense of being. It's a journey I desperately needed to take. Before I started meditating I used to practice yoga daily, exercise daily, and my focus on my body was out of balance, comparing to the rest of me. The bigger part of my existence lacked my attention. The obsession came from a need to look perfect for someone outside myself. My mother, my boyfriend, my friend, my teacher, and whomever else crossed my path. I held them responsible to love me, to validate me, to support me, and felt I needed to show up perfectly for such an exchange.

And as I stepped onto this healing journey, moving inward, I discovered a lot of personal pursuits that just didn't fit so well with me anymore. Like this pursuit for perfection, with the hope I can be loved in return. Instead I'd rather do things because I wanted to enjoy them. Now that was a great epiphany! This, specifically speaking about exercise...

Sadly I realized going through this new paradigm shift, I had a huge lack in commitment to do anything for myself! Looking good for myself seemed ridiculous at the time. I didn't see the value in it. I didn't see my value!! I lacked the desire to make an effort, or work hard for myself!

I needed something outside myself... what was THAT all about?

In my study around women and the lineages we were born into, I found a pattern. So many of us feel we simply must obey someone outside ourselves, we simply must give up parts of ourselves, our dreams, our hopes, our truths, even our homes, to be loved. In other lifetimes we weren't looked upon as equal. Our voices hold little or no importance. Our feelings warranted no attention. Our bodies were looked upon as just an object to be used and enjoyed for simple pleasures. Who we were inside, didn't exist in that world. Those dark times left an imprint on our soul's journey. Karmic patterns ingrained so deep, it may take many incarnations to eradicate such strong energies out of our existences.

What does this mean for a woman living in these times? A constant reminder that we are not that anymore. Who we are today is vastly important. Our energies are not that which anyone can use or abuse. We don't have to be open, without boundaries, to allow any and all to take from us. To take that which belongs to us. Our light, our healing energy, our bodies, and our souls, to use it without respect or honor. It's a constant reminder that I don't need to change the way I walk, talk, teach, or move in this world, for love. We are of utmost importance. We are deeply valued by society. Can we begin to allow ourselves to see this truth? The energy we carry is part of that which forms this world. May we embrace the beauty of our existence and hold on to what is!

Remembering the energy that we carry inside, is oh so special. This has been such a trying journey for me, to remember I am so much more than what has been projected onto me since birth. I am not the truth of another person. I am not the projection of another person. Just because there was a lack of love growing up, doesn't mean I am unlovable. Just because someone don't see my value, doesn't mean I am not valuable. When are we going to wake up to these truths and embody them, deep deep within each cell in our bodies?

I used to be the greatest chameleon that lived on this planet. I became that which I thought I needed to be. Each moment I would show up differently. To impress, to be perfect, and to be loved. It has taken a better part of my life to realize I don't need to become something other than who I truly am. I gave up my identity at a very young age. Because my soul already knew then, it wasn't important to be identified by anything external. And yet my mind has been in pursuit to find myself through the chaos of this world. So I can belong somewhere. Resulting in energies polarizing within. I simply must belong somewhere to feel valued. What a sad sad pursuit. Thank God for a waking up from this nightmare, remembering I don't need to belong to something outside myself to exist.

I exist. I exist, and I belong to myself.

These questions kept me looking, and searching for the one I left behind so long ago.

Who am I? What do I like? What do I want to do? Where am I going?

The 'I AM' was missing. I didn't care much about the 'I AM', then. “I will be whoever you want me to be. Just love me and don't leave me!” And of course this would drop me into abusive environments. One after the other. Why? Because I saw so little value in who I am, that I didn't expect anything better.

The 'I AM' didn't exist without you...

Sometimes I would just sit in a daze, looking back at the choices I made. Can't believe how deeply buried I was underneath the illusions, away from the truth and vision of who I truly am. The preciousness of my being was hidden far away from my true perception.

Because I've walked this walk, I am seeing women all around me still believing they are of little, or no importance. And so I am here to teach you differently. I am here to teach you about empowerment. It's much more fun and freeing! Walking through the fire has given me a lot of gifts.

And so today, I am in love. I'm smiling without cause.

I am aware. I feel the wind blowing through my hair.

I am grounded. I feel myself sinking deep into the earth.

And oh, did I mention, I am in love? As I focus on this feeling it magnifies, and drops me into a state of pure bliss. This brings a desire to do what feels expansive within myself!

I've started taking better care of my body! Like this yoga class I took today.

I'm letting life in again. Letting the sun it. Letting the LOVE in. Streams of energy flows through my body while practicing yoga. Now the words I speak in my classes aren't empty words. They come from deep experience.

I embody.

Even when I don't speak those words in my classes, the energy I embody radiate out, and touches deeper parts of you. It's not about verbally communicating at all. It's about embodying the energy, becoming what you wish to communicate. And you communicate, without the need for words. A gift onto you.

I am being more present with the needs of my body. And today I am doing it for ME!!!! Because I am in love with how it feels. Not because I am obsessively trying to do this for something outside of myself. And I am letting go of this age old illusion that haunted me for most my life. Who I am is valuable. That includes my body, my energy, my time, and my wisdom. And so there is less of a need for someone outside myself, to remind me of my value. Less needing to give away my energy, my body, or my truth. Like we as women used to do in other lifetimes.

Today I am showing up for myself. And re-learning what it means to be a woman in this world. In the face of conflict and projections all around. Oh, and lets not forget the abuse of power. They are such great teachers. The projections are merely a sign of where others are at, in their lives.

And I'm learning it has nothing to do with me. I am only responsible for how I respond.

I am what I believe. Not what you believe of me.