A Gain through Loss

I woke up two days ago with my body filled with anxiety. "What had gotten into me," I wondered. This familiar feeling is something I haven't felt, for quite some time. After stumbling into my now spiritual teacher's breathwork class in 2010, those childhood traumas began evaporating one by one. This with my continued commitment and hard work during the seven years I've sat in circle with him.

I was one of those. First to arrive, and last to leave with an unwavering commitment to my healing. Why? I guess I've always been a seeker, this mostly searching for myself. Then I have this desire since I can remember, for discovering the truth in all things, as its written in the big book of all knowing. Of course throughout my life I realized what I was searching for, was inside myself all along.

It took quite a few hard lessons, and many re-visits to some long held old traumas, to eventually arrive at this newfound knowing.

Growing up without anyone on the outside validating my existence, made me feel invisible. Like I was sitting outside the world, gazing in. I am in this world, yet not of it. It's a very unsettling feeling. A constant I've had most my life, that would keep my mind in a knot, and wondering what is it about me, that is simply so very wrong.

So here on this day, I sat with a heavy blanket of anxiety covering my body. And like all humans do, I'd found myself searching for something in my life, that one significant thing, that's making me feel so very anxious. What may be the cause of such discomfort, I wondered? Looking at my life from the outside, it all looks pretty spectacular.

I'm a yoga teacher, and spiritual teacher living on the westside of Los Angeles in a beautiful bungalow cottage just fourteen blocks away from the beach. My boyfriend is a pretty special being, and we are most definitely here to meet once more, while continuing our work as spiritual beings. I feel deeply loved by my community, clients and students. I'm blessed with many friends, and my body has been good to me. Even though health is a thing I need to be obsessed with, to stay balanced.

In the later part of my day, my anxiety turned into anger. And not just any anger, I felt rage surging through my veins. I was watching myself almost feeling out of control around the rage spiraling through my body producing heat waves. Luckily I have accumulated many tools throughout my years of doing my spiritual work, as in how to handle strong emotions bubbling up.

I started by acknowledging that I was feeling this way. I then gave myself permission to allow these feelings to be there, and to express them as big as it needed be. I watched myself grabbing a pillow and letting out a few big yells, this while trying not to alarm my neighbors. It reduced some of the intensity I felt, which was good. And so for the rest I allowed it to co-exist.

This with all the other feel good feelings also living in my heart space. I was baffled though. I must admit.

Instead of writing or doing breathwork, I decided to go take a vigorous yoga class at yoga works with one of my favorite teachers, and used the fire energy for fuel, which in the end alchemized into vitality and passion. It knocked me out, and I slept very well that night. I woke up yesterday still feeling somewhat off.

Also happily noticing the anxiety and rage have subsided. I am not an angry person, yet I'm learning not to deny myself of feeling any and/or all emotions. I was very much looking forward to spending my evening with my boyfriend as we made a date to watch a movie at home. Showing up to his place I noticed me feeling small, and weak.

Again, a feeling I used to reside in for most my childhood, yet something I've worked through, and cleared, or so I thought. It took me quite some time to gather strength to voice to him how I felt. I told him, I don't know what has gotten into me, and that I felt lost, numb, small, and very much out of my body.

There was a haze over my eyes, and I could barely focus. I told him I can't feel anything, and all I wanted to do was hide. And that I hated feeling this way, and can't seem to shake it. I took a big duvet and covered my body while curling up in a small ball on one corner of the sofa. I even hid my head. I literally felt like I wanted to retrieve from life.

This might sound strange, and it felt like I wanted to close my eyes and not needing to open them again. As if I were carrying a feeling of hopelessness, and deep depression. This, something I haven't felt since my teens, about twenty years ago. So very strange, I thought to myself.

Just before we fell asleep we had a conversation about my mother. And how I am learning to have healthier and stronger boundaries. This way I can't get affected by her drama and intense energy anymore. This way I get to protect myself from processing strong dramatic and sometimes destructive emotions from her.

I felt a stronger pull and needy energy from her this past week, and it brought up a lot of uncomfortable emotions and mind stuff that I was resisting heavily. My boyfriend brought up a few significant questions. He asked me, "what could work for you? Do you still want contact with your mom? Or would you rather let go of her completely? What would be the healthy choice for you?"

He could see that this was affecting me so much, and this energy has in some way ruined most my childhood. My mother was borderline, narcissistic, yet I loved her deeply. I answered without hesitation and clarity. "I love my mother. I don't want to walk away from her. I just need to learn stronger boundaries, and have as little contact with her, as what's needed.

I would love to have her in my life. Enjoy her for what she has to offer, and say no to the rest."

Needles to say our date night did not go as planned. I had a deep sleep, yet felt very tired when I woke up this morning. I looked over at my phone and saw a few missed calls from my brother and my aunt in South Africa. I txt my aunt on whatsapp regularly, and speak to my brother infrequently. I didn't think much of it at the time.

After the forth call from my aunt in a matter of thirty minutes I felt something was not right. We had planned a beautiful date day on this auspicious Saturday. Our plan was to drive to the Huntington Library botanical gardens and spend the day there. And selfishly so I didn't wanted to ruin this beautiful day we have planned. Especially after feeling so off the past two days, and especially last night.

We got into the car, and we began our drive. My boyfriend gently insisted that perhaps I needed to pick up my phone, after my aunt's persistent calls. I felt my heartbeat rising, and hearing my voice so weak over the phone greeting my aunt. She thanked me for picking up my phone. And there it was. The news I didn't wanted to hear.

My biggest fear echoing in my ears, and spinning in my head. Last night, when I felt like retrieving from life, and hid myself away under the covers, was the exact time that my mother decided to be done with her life. It was her choice, as she made it so. The words landed hard on my chest. I saw tears flowing down my cheeks, yet I couldn't fully feel them or my body for that matter.

I watched myself going into shock. Is this happening to me? How is this happening? Is this real? How? ...?... and then my mind just stopped.

After I hang up the phone my boyfriend decided to still drive us to the gardens anyway. He thought it would be a beautiful healing place to be in while allowing space for these words and new reality to sink in. I walked and walked and walked around the gardens. I sat. I dropped to my knees. I cried. I collapsed into his arms. I gazed into the far distance. I smelled some beautiful roses. I drank tea in the rose garden.

And I spent countless hours just listening to the silence between the singing of the birds around me. This all whilst not giving any notice of anyone else around me. As if it was just me, and this big wide spread out garden. A haven to calm my broken heart, to be held while my legs were giving in, and a tease for my senses with so much natural beauty and aromas all around.

It helped filling the emptiness I was feeling inside, with love in a way only nature knows how.

She is gone, and she decided it so. No goodbyes. And I'm left with so many questions, with no answers. And a knowing that these answers might never be known. The anxiety I felt was hers. And so the rage and anger. And so the moment she departed. As a spiritual being, it still shocks me, to realize how connected we are. And how much we can feel.

And how incredibly intuitive we are. I am done questioning these powerful truths. I am now allowing them to be so. Unwavering and labeling them as common sense.

Fast forward to today. It has been exactly thirty days since her transition. And this is what I've come to realize. My spiritual practice is solid, and because of it, I know she is still around, simply just in another form. All the work I've done on myself, shows, as I can handle more than my mind can ever make me believe is true.

I see the human in me is grieving, and I have learnt tools to allow it so. I see my soul is celebrating our time we've had together. This with a knowing that I now have an angel on the other side that will help me manifest a life of meaning, purpose and heart based successes.

I feel an immense relief as now I can let go of heavier emotions like guilt, pain, and confusion. A gift she gifted me with. So that we can bathe in a new found connection of pure unconditional love. And whilst continuing doing her work in a dimension gentler than this life. She is free, and she gave me such a gift as well.

Through my spiritual practice my soul is able to hold my human that is still grieving. I can hold all the human emotions, and allow them to flow, and be so, till they are ready to dissolve completely. It helps me to see beyond the limiting beliefs that we as humans sometimes carry. I allow no such guilt to taint my days here anymore. It is just such a waste of precious life force.

I feel wide open, and allow the world to see me, in my most vulnerable state. I cry in yoga, on the street, in restaurants and movies. And I don't give it even a second of thought anymore. I feel so free in my vulnerability and honest self expression. Without a need to explain myself. I feel more connected to life, and the present moment than ever before.

And I've gained another level of compassion for people, and life, in a way I never thought I lacked. And this only thirty days after her transition.

I will leave you with a quote from my mother. "Life is precious" Yes, ma, life is so very precious. And I will live it to the fullest, for you, and for myself, and for those I meet along my path. Because I know you would want me to. And I will fall in love with parts of myself I used to judge, or detached from.

Why, because you now live through me. Because you are part me. Because I am. I am, because of you. Because I now have an angel opening up my path for me. This, you. Thank you mom.

And I will surrender any and all questions that may never result in an answer. Because I am learning as a human being, that life might not always be understood. And learning to let it be so. Knowing that I can trust in the preciousness of my life, mom. Because I am not alone. Because you are with me, and many others along my path.

And I will be a vehicle for any death and rebirth that wants to take place through me, and on my path. And be a helper, a friend, a facilitator, a teacher, a guide, a support, and a compassionate friend, for those going through spiritual deaths, transformations or even physical deaths.

Thank you for this life. For this gift of knowledge. For having a desire to seek for truth in all things. For seeing life through the eyes of my soul. For knowing what it feels like to be loved, and to love. For angels, for you mom, for love and all beings.

To be continued.... with love, forever in my heart. marlize

dear mom

Dear mom

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. It's human nature to feel. To feel deeply. Rarely do we access these deep feelings, and in life, sometimes we get forced too. Something significant brings us to a halt. A sudden stop. And today, it is you, mom.

You have always been someone significant. Not just in the eyes of my own, yet even more so the eyes of the world. I haven't met a single person that didn't like you. And not only that, you would make them your friend. My friends, those who came and went, still to this day, have such a deep love for you.

You had a way to remember things, experiences, and people. You would recall long forgotten friends of mine, and I would relive them by the way you share your memory of them, this with immeasurable detail.

Sometimes feeling stay, even after we beg them to leave. Feelings, so annoying at times, wouldn't you say fellow humans? This humanness gets in the way of us sometimes seeing the truth. This humanness today is crying out, "I thought you'd stay forever, mom?!" I had so many plans for the next phase of our life, mine, yours, Werner's, yes us all.

Just yesterday as I projected into the future, I saw a set of footprints, along a few other's. That, yours, mine, Werner's, and our partners. Where to now with this memory, mom? It has nowhere to land. Just like this love I have for you, as you are nowhere near, in physical form for it to land.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. You had a few sayings mom, two in particular I remember so vividly. "life is so precious" and 'live in the moment." I must admit, if I were to live in each moment, day in and day out living in LA and you in SA, I'd feel a lack of something. Or better so, a lack of someone. I realize I'd experience a deep longing that would never be silenced.

A longing for you and Werner to live closely with me till end of time. And be my most special of all companions on this journey of life. I had to learn to be present, in the world, living in the now, without feeling the nagging lack of your physical presence in my life. I'd simply miss you too much.

And today, I have no choice but be in this moment, and feel the lack of you, this not because of the physical distance. More so as you decided it to be so.

Sometimes feeling stay, even after we beg them to leave. Sometimes the things we say, are the things we want to gift ourselves with. Perhaps this statement "life is precious" was something you wanted to grasp, or attain in the later part of your life mom.

Because why would you have such a knowing, yet decided to depart from such a precious experience? And 'living in the now' would bring you an immense overwhelming, almost too much, feeling of LOVE from all the corners of the world. Because mom, being loved by the world is most definitely an understatement when it comes to you.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. And so on this day we are left with many unanswered questions. Some never will. And learning to surrender, for it to be so. Such is life, isn't it? Perhaps these words that keep spinning in my head today, " I deserve a better goodbye" will evaporate with time. I know in the end, it is not about you leaving mom, as it's more about us, now being left behind. Us meant to have this experience.

And how we choose to navigate through this, well, that's our right to choose. This, I see, is as much a blessings, as a sad change in my life. I am now taking the torch, and walking along this path you've been on, now being a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend in my own right, as you were.

A rite of passage, I see it so.

Sometimes feeling stay, even after we beg them to leave. In your honor mom, I will live in the now. I will label this life as precious, and proceed as such. I will be the mother to myself and the world I've always meant to be. I will learnt to be gentle with myself, and everyone I meet on this path. Because we all carry a hurt in our hearts, a loss of some sort.

And I will be an example of so, and spread compassion as far as I go. We must learn to glue the broken pieces together, and create a brand new masterpiece. Why? Because we can. Because we want to. Because you would want us too. Because we are alive. Because we live in the now. And because this life is precious, just like you mom. Just like I. Just like all of us here together in your honor.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. We are more than a heartbeat, in a world where we sometimes forget to love. This pain in my heart, is the result of love I have for you, and will so forever more. In the end, love will redeem the broken.

And our hearts have a funny way of healing. Bit, by bit, by bit..... by bit.

You were always a wild one, restless like the sea. Feisty, passionate, and powerful. You could light up a room, and bring the party. You were the life we were all searching for. Now you handed down the torch, for us to be that life, to feel alive, to be alive, to shine our way through life, like you did.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. You have been a teacher for me in ways I can't even begin to describe. And you continue to be, that I know as much. Our relationship is changing now. It's redefining my role in this world, and yours, as you are still here, just in another form.

Redefining our righteous place, the leader, the teacher, the #SHE that's meant to light up the world. To breathe life into everything, and waking up those still walking dead in this life. I bow down to you, mom. The one who brought the world to a standstill. May we meet again, and again, and again. Till then...

Safe journey mom. May you ease through your transition. And know you are forever in my heart. Your daughter.

traveling inward

It has been a while since I've sat down to write. It felt Ok to step away for a bit. I got distracted. With what? Life, I guess.

I recently got back from a trip to Europe. My spiritual teacher took a group up there for a healing journey. I decided to join him and help him. As I was busy booking my flight, looking into different options to fly, a few options routed me through Amsterdam. One even gave me a 23 hour layover in Amsterdam. Normally one would delete that option really quickly. because who would want to sit in an airport for that long, waiting for a flight? "Perfect!" I thought to myself. I've always wanted to see Amsterdam. I will plan to stay a night there. And not only that, I will make sure to do the same on the way back.

The idea kept spinning around in my head, and I felt stronger and stronger about the idea of spending some time there. I even looked up staying two nights. I ended up with a night stay there, and a night stay on my way back.

During my stay and travels to Europe, I realized something big. I receive so much information through my travels. Something change. I change. Something inside shifts. It's like there are many treasures for me in this life. They are neatly placed all over the world, for me to go and find. Once I discover one, I can take it, and prosper from it. Information about who I truly am, underneath this body. Underneath the surface.

Those parts get lost in the hustle of life, far away from my conscious awareness.

Traveling brings me back to myself. I have nothing to distract myself with, and so my senses have free reign. They are taking me out of the part of my mind that stays stuck in the 'doing' and 'making a living' and it makes me receive what is around me. When I travel to a new place, I get mesmerized with my surroundings. It keeps my attention on whats present. The old buildings, the stone walls, the writings against the walls, the street signs, the foreign sounds from a different culture and language. The smells of food, other than what I am used to.

And then I get awe struck looking at the artchitecture and landscape of the unique culture.

Setting foot in Amsterdam, I knew I was home. I have never been there before. Well, not in this body anyhow. It was very familiar. The food, the people, and my surroundings. It just felt like I was home. I walked and walked and walked. I stared at buildings, people and the life around me. And then there were the canals. The waterways. Wow. So beautiful, and all the buildings against the water. It was like I was living inside a fairytale. Maybe I was.

My trip took me through Verona and also Venice. Of course Venice just didn't seem real to me. It was so hard for my mind to believe that such a city actually exists. I have no words. Again I walked, and walked and walked, till I just could't walk anymore. And I would push through, and walk more. At one point, when I finally gave my body a bit of rest, sipping a delicious coffee, and eating a croissant. I knew, that traveling is something that is very necessary for my evolution as a human being. It is something I simply have to make space for, create the means for, and make happen, a few times a year. It is so deeply fulfilling and enriching, that it reminds me, that for this reason alone, my life is worth it. To EXPERIENCE life in this way. To take myself out of what I know, and place myself into an environment I have never been to, and let my senses play.

And as I FEEL all the information coming through my senses, I wake up, and realize that now I am alive. And as this occupy my awareness, my mind stills. And so intuition seems to heighten. I feel like I am a child of the world. Not a city. Or a family. And so I need to go and see the world, the place I belong to. And share myself with it, as it shares itself with me. We teach each other things, by being present with one another. Just by making the choice to show up, to take the trip. To go on adventures. This way, we get to learn where we belong. And who we are. And which gifts sits dormant inside us.

We have so much more to offer this world than what we know, from the level of the mind. And so to broaden our ability to see, to expand our ability to create, envision, we must go to places that elevate our way of envisioning.

On my second stop back to Amsterdam, the night before I headed back to LA. I stood on a bridge, over looking a canal. Just simply staring at it. Taking in the colors, the buildings, the beauty of it, and seeing the history in it. I heard a question inside my head. "Why did I visit these cities, both with so much water in it?" Ah! And it hit me.... the waterways and the canals!! I have an intimate understanding around them. It is not the first time we're meeting. And in that moment, my whole body lid up with electricity. I felt like I was being electrocuted. Energy spiraling all over my body. And it confirmed to me that yes, I was in fact, in an area presently, I once called home. I once helped created, and help built. I had part of the creation of such a land,. and of such a waterway.

Wow. I stood there for a while still, waiting for the energetic pulses to slow down in my body, and then I turned, and made my way back to my hotel. I found myself deep inside myself. Like the sounds and life around me was very far away. I was a little in shock. Trying to process what just happened. And I understood in that moment why it felt so vastly important for me to visit Amsterdam. Of course my visit there wasn't long enough. It was just a little tease. And I desperately wanted more.

Early the next morning, my walk to the train station was slow. Reluctant. I just didn't want to go. I felt sad. Can it be that I was feeling SAD? Sad to leave a city that I only saw for two days? A city, not a person, or friends, or any of that. But merely a city. Fascinating I thought. I knew walking to the station, that there is just so much more information there for me. And for now, it will have to wait.

And that is a hard one for me. This patience thing. I am not big on it.

Now home for a couple of weeks. I have read up more about this city. And the more I read the more I want to know. The more I am creating space for us to reconnect again soon.

Life is just so mysterious. There is magic around each corner. Interactions with strangers, that might not be strange, but familiar in fact. A bench or a park or a street, might be a place you've left many footprints in some part of your existence. Places around the world are most definitely holy for me in that way.

I came back with a new energy inside myself. I gift from the trip for sure. Something inside that was always there, just hidden. And so i thirst to bring light to more parts of me that are hidden. i can't wait to know more feel more and experience more. To expand bigger and bigger. To claim more and more of what has always been. Just not always so present when the mind is running the show.

So here is to many more of these incredible doorways that I will walk through. Portals that'll take me deeper into myself. Life is full of mystery. and i am ready to jump into the dark and claim more of it.

Anyone care to join me?


People fascinate me. I wonder sometimes why people do what they do. Or treat others a certain way. So much of what we do is what we have been exposed to in our lives. How we treat the world, is a direct influence of our environment. The one we grew up in.

I am a native South African living in Los Angeles for 15 years now, and I still have moments of disbelief. Interactions with people can leave me with a huge question mark and a frown on my forehead. A moment of jaw hanging open, and just nothing to say. And thinking to myself “did that just happen?’ “did he/she really just do that?”

I am brought up with a certain group of morals, manners, and ‘things not to do’ to others. How NOT to treat your fellow man or woman. And then I would find myself in certain situations where I just can’t believe my ears, or eyes. Then of course I question my own set of values and wonder if I am the odd one out, or if my culture is just very different.

And I would start hearing questions spiraling in my head like “How can anyone act in such a way and not see how disrespectful that is?”

I would watch right after that interaction to see if there is any kind of remorse, or guilt, or uncomfortable behavior. And all I see is nothing. Nada. Just pure normality in their being. As if what they just did or said, had no ill implications or was totally fine. I think the fact that people can act in such a way, and act normal right after, unaware of how they acted, makes me question who I am. Am I the one missing something or not seeing clearly? I dunno….

Call me naive. Perhaps in this way I am. Or am I expecting too much of others?

My wish is to surround myself with people who understand being human, the way I do.

I am not in any judgement around this, more just slightly thrown off my track. It makes me want to study people more. I am a seeker of truth. I desire to see through all illusion, and see how people tick. And I know that my soul can’t understand another soul. So I will most probably get to the end of my quest all hugely disappointed and with a lack of clarity or understanding.

What I can say though is that I am learning a lot about people, and interactions that goes beyond the usual work place. And I realize I do have a lot to learn. And then again. Perhaps I have less to learn, just need to extract myself out of certain circles, and areas, and drop myself into places that feel more like home. Is that possible?

It also makes me realize why I love spending my time doing things that don’t involve human interaction. What do one do when one feel different? There are some beings that would GET very well what I am saying here. Others might judge. And those who judge, might be the ones vastly different than me. And those who get this, are perhaps the ones I am meant to spent some good quality time with.

You get me?

being a teacher

I thought about the class the whole day, and was quite nervous. Even though I've been teaching for many years, I still get nervous. I guess it keeps me humble! As I was sitting with this feeling today, I came to the conclusion to NOT teach for anyone else but myself. I reminded myself that I LOVE what I do. I will bring the love into it again. Love and fear can't co-exist in one place. Then I can remind myself that this is EASY and ENJOYABLE.

With that intention, I brought a whole different energy into the room. Different from the nervous tension, and an old belief that I simply must show up PERFECTLY, for something outside of myself. That's just too exhausting to figure out. Instead I will hold on to my energy, and bring myself and my joy for teaching, into the room. And just let it flow.

All I needed to do, was watch my students, experience them, and get consumed with the moment. If I were to try and teach for someone outside myself, my mind would be way too active. Like it was earlier in the day. And I would sound fake, or try too hard, or say too much, or make the class all about me. And honestly, class has got nothing to do with me. It's ALL about my students. That is where the attention needs to be. Not on me, looking all PERFECT. Whatever the hell than means anyway!

As I taught class, I noticed that I really didn't need to say much. Because my ego was quiet, and it didn't tell me I need to DO MORE. I knew that, doing less, would then encourage my students to do more. I would empower them to find their own way. Let the music, the lightning, the ambiance, and the energy in the room be the container in which people can find their own way. My job is done. I showed up. That's it!

The music moved me, and I felt like dancing. I noticed it in my students too. I knew that they were on their way. And who am I to disrupt their journey towards stillness of mind, by having too many things to say? That will take them out of their zone, and bring them back into their heads again. Isn't that what we are trying to get away from? I'm deeply spiritual, and I have never experienced a style of yoga that has the potential to be transformative and spiritual, yet enjoyable at the same time!

Silence is the place for people to truly experience themselves, to GROW, and that for me is what yoga is all about.

This is where I am learning to trust, and know it's already happening. I don't need to tell them how, or give them advice, heal or fix them. All I need to do is give them a container, then let them go and find their own way. If I were to talk too much, I would rob them of the gift of empowerment and finding their own way on the mat, and in their lives. Making them co-dependant on me, and others around.

I've learnt this new way of teaching in the past 3 years. This from my spiritual teacher. "Stop trying so hard", he would tell me! The more we see our value, the less we feel the need to do, and proof, and explain, and show. We can just be.

How awesome is that?

That's why I love this style of teaching so much. It reminds me that I can do less. I can talk less. And I can leave class, feeling filled up. Why? Because I didn't use all my personal energy in class. Instead I stepped back. I cued a few things, I taught a flow or 3, and that's it. The rest is up to them...

I have, and can talk a lot. Way too much in class. And it comes out in me, when I forget to trust myself and remember who I am. And tonight I remembered what I've learnt. I left, feeling high. Satisfied. Balanced. Energized. And felt proud of me. Not because I did it perfectly. But because I remembered to just be. And I remembered to let them just be (flow) on their own journey.

I'm a spiritual teacher, and in my meditation classes I do talk more, this, because people are looking for guidance or advice in that class. I'm learning to only give advice or guidance when it's asked for. With the emphasis on learning. That's why I teach. To learn. Aren't we all?

I look forward to experiencing you all in the room. We are visionaries that are re-creating the LA yoga scene, and it will directly impact our personal lives. It's all about trusting the silence...

Remembering it speaks loudly! The silence is like a mothers womb. The dark mystery, the unknown, from which we birth a new (born) idea, or creation, or hear our intuition, or our next playlist. We can't hear without silence.

Words is a tiny vehicle that carries information. Our energy, our body language, and our wisdom that we hold in our hearts are much bigger communicators. I'm learning to trust that. Allowing my ego to step out of the way...

I love that I'm on this journey with you all. Be brilliant!! Love. xo m

dissolving the need for structure

I used to be very structured in my teaching and felt the need to stay in perfect form throughout my class. Teach from the foundation, explaining each point in the process, and don't leave anything out. And I love that I have the ability to teach in this way. That I can perhaps give those who live without structure, more structure. Those who need foundation , more foundation, because their heads are in the clouds and they simply can't access all their gifts and channel it into this life. Because they are not really 'here' earthed into reality.

Structure was a place I felt safe in for most my life. I learnt structure from the one I've been mostly exposed to in my life, my mom. Who else? Isn't that what we do? We look around, and adapt, grab things from life around us, suit up, and make it our own.

Our framework. Our environment is what we eventually embody. I looked up to her in many ways. Respected? Not sure. Feared maybe more true for me. And so it came with no surprise that I chose the exact imprint of that energy, in a mentor. Annie carpenter. If you would look up structure , effectiveness, and strive for perfection, you would find a picture of Annie. Having a dancing background and strict militant background, she used that same energy in her teachings.

So as much as some of it felt mean, strict, and scary, it also felt very familiar. Let me find another woman to tell me where I'm not perfect enough. How I need to change and become BETTER. And then the rejection would cause me to strive for an even stronger need for perfection in myself. And the more I desperately try and reach that end goal, it kept itself just out of my reach. Always in the future. And in the present, how I'm showing up, is just not going to cut it!

After 500 hours and 1 year of assisting her classes, I finally woke up one day, and said. Wow. I have officially became another identical Annie! I cloned myself. I became the one I thought I needed to be, to be happy. I sounded just like her. And in that moment I also realized that I don't like who I have become! That's interesting in a not so funny way! That sucks. After all that hard work. Trying to become THAT. 'That' didn't seem that appealing anymore. Now what?!

My goal and achievement just didn't feel so good on the inside. A new identity I just didn't fit into very well. I felt restricted. Deeply unsatisfied and just not ME. Giving up ME so I can fit into society has been a constant unconscious goal of mine.

After sitting in this new ME for a bit I knew something had to change... It was then that I stopped pre-plan my classes. And began to trust that if I don't have to have it all figured out, I won't actually die. Of course going to class with an empty mind, felt like dying. Seriously. When we let go of the illusion around control, the need to know, and the need to perfect, and you begin to empty out. It feels like you are losing control! Like you are loosing your mind. Matter of fact. You are!!

And to top that, I had to grasp at a whole new identity. Who am I? Who do I want to be? That is the million dollar question! I will have to take another shot at it. Re-create the one inside. Re-claim maybe a bette word?

I was determined that I want to learn what it means to trust myself! My own ability!! After many years, it was 4 at the time, of studying sequencing, working each one out, pose after pose, I got it down! That I can walk into a room, with an empty mind. And as I stood in front of that class, many eager eyes staring back at me. I would see a pose in my mind. And know. Ah! It's a backbend day. And so I would watch myself move through the darkness, the mystery, and see how each pose gets revealed to me, just in time, one after the other.

Without knowing where I'll be 2/3 poses down the line. And if I can fit it all in, in a one hour. Using all the elements around me, the illusion of time, music, pacing, reaction of students, or the lack of comprehension, or misalignment. There are many factors involved, that we as teachers have to be present with, and use as a creative journey for an hour. We dance through all that, and then to top that, move/teach without a clue on where this sequence and this class is going, even though a deeper part of me knew that the bigger 'I' knew exactly where I was going. TRUST is what I was learning then.

In the trust something else begins to move me. I surrender. It's not me anymore. With that I mean 'my mind' is far away. There is a flow, grace, and precision with which I move. Something far better than I can ever try to perfect or try to copy or 'remember' mentally. It's like I can feel where the class is at, and what they need next, and how long they need it for. And that is a deeper sense of timing, without staring at the clock.

And afterwards as I would walk out of the room, it felt like I was in a pure state of meditation. And in fact I was. If meditation is pure presence without the mind, then that was an hour of just that.

Then as I begin to gather myself, this my mind now, and trace back the steps of my class, I would see the most creative, smart, innovative sequence, breath, and all else. Now that was as close to perfection as one would get.

I am being guided. That is a truth I was learning then. I don't need 'to know' I just need to trust that in fact I already know!

I have always known.

Then the exhaustion of trying to remember a class mentally evaporates, and the excitement and creative force that guides me, fills me up till I feel literally high! Of course that feeling spills over onto my students. And hence the ability of creating and sharing a never-been-done-before class. I leave filled up and not depleted.

Depletion happens when my mind is super active, trying to remember a class, or stressing that I might forget.

Now I'm not saying structure is a bad thing or unnecessary. it's important. It's very important. When you have some form of structure, a space you feel safe in, you can surrender deep inside it, and start to flow...

A structure that perhaps is not an agenda from the mind, but something bigger. A connection with spirit. Let spirit hold the structure, so you then get to drop below the mind, and channel. The mystery and the darkness, the void is the fertile ground for 'birthing' your magic.

Do you dare to trust the mystery?

And your own abilities that live inside it?


The ego that drives a person with false power is an interesting thing. In my personal experience in my own evolution of becoming a powerful woman in this world, I notice the times I'm not in my full capacity of power, some feel it ok to abuse their power onto me. This energy is not visible with the naked eye, but it's palpable in the air and exists between the spoken word and action.

Its like I'm asked to continually stand in my power, or I'll be shown the places in my life where I have the tendency to give it up. And it just fascinates me how another layer of personality can immerse from the one I see in front of me, than a day earlier when I showed up differently. This the one that is mirroring my lack of owning myself in that moment.

And so as I'm witnessing this whole thing go down - in silence - I noticed I've lost my ability to climb out of that energy - and it feels suffocating. And I have momentarily lost my ability to speak from my heart. Or speak period as this energy has taken over and is now running the show.

How is this familiar? Yes very. It's a great opportunity to say NO! And simply walk away.

What a great lesson this person was, standing before me. Watching each verbal expression, each act of self centeredness and lack of intimate connection. Like it was he/her right to show up less than impeccable with action and word. The equality is not valued in our momentary interaction.

Is it him/her to blame? Is it I to blame? No one to blame...

The focus not so much on 'who' but rather 'why'. Im learning to be a witness of these moments and notice where I go, so I can learn more about who I am. And perhaps next time intuit it faster and perhaps choose to change the way I show up. Or better yet, don't be around and stop creating this dynamic in the first place.

This another moment in time I can file in my study around energy and the dynamics of people. And how our past can still run us unconsciously, and better yet, how we can begin to wake up and choose differently.

I feel everything. For a long time I felt it a curse, and today it gives me this opportunity to uncover the truth faster as it's rare that someone can hide their true self to me in this way. An opportunity through which I can then choose to extract myself out of and eliminate unnecessary suffering.

It's called transformation.

surrender or loose

It has been a while since I've written anything and my desire to write is strong. I realize the thing I resist most is the thing that will bring me most joy, and enhance my life. So what makes it so hard then to proceed? Is it doubt? Is it my ego that desires to keep me busy with unfulfilling things? Is it the knowing that I might stumble upon things hidden, that who knows, might cause pain once I bring it back up into my consciousness?

The life under the conscious life intrigues me. And I know I spend many hours there, yet the memories and discoveries of it stays hidden as my mind is just too occupied with DOING life.

Its been exactly five weeks since I've driven a car, taught a yoga class, and doing the usual things I do during my day. If somebody would've told me I’d be away from life outside this head of mine for five weeks when this started, well, I would've simply replied with a rude remark of control and say NO way will i ever do that! This will be a quick fix. I will think myself healthy. Well so I thought anyway…

And so my forceful ‘will’ has learnt that it can’t force myself back to health again. Each time I became the pursuit of that, well, I crumbled under the unbearable heat of impatience that seems to boil up from under the surface. And looking around the room, there is no one I can take it out on either. No one to blame. And hey, no one or nothing around me to distract myself with for a moment so that an exhale can escape my lips.

Nope. Not this time. No sanity will be found on the outside. This is an inside job. And I thought I had it all figured out. This spiritual side of myself. I have, parts of it should I say. And then there is always more, right? Life has given me twenty four weeks of ‘quality’ time with me, myself and I. The process has been undeniably unpredictable, and an animal of something bigger than my own will and my own sense of knowing.

I know that something bigger is happening. Its simply palpable. I feel it running through my veins. An upgrade maybe? A new platform right before me. Its like my unconscious, my subconscious and my spirit collaborated on this called timed-out period. Like they conspired months before this moment, behind my back. ‘Surprise!’ I can see them yelling out from under a disguise, and disappearing all giggly behind my back…

A period of contemplation, of going IN and bringing forth a message of something deep inside that’s meant to be in the light. Yup, there has been many ‘aha’ moments like that in this period. They usually show up when I split myself in two enduring yet another breaking point. The moment my ego finally burns to ashes. Been lit on fire by the deeper forces of my soul spilling forth with conviction. Over powering my once powerful ego. Watching parts of myself been blown away by the wind. Do i chase after it? I feel so exposed, naked and, oh so lost. Listening to the clock ticking against the wall, enveloped by darkness, and the loud sound of silence. And in between the silence, sounds of life, just outside that wall. So close yet so very far.

A new fragment of my soul has arrived. A few maybe. And its like my physical body is crashing while all new parts of me arrive, all trying to find their way into this vehicle. Oh so little space…

And as I'm delving deeper into this void, surrendering day by day, I realize, there’s truly no other option, other than the big S word. SURRENDER. Well there is, but that one causes more pain. Placing pain on top of physical pain, well, that’s not truly my thing. Yes maybe i can tolerate a lot of pain, and that doesn't mean I have to purposefully create more through my resistance of what is.

I reach many still points in my day to day. Lying on my back, somewhere in my apartment, and listen. Its like I've memorized each sound I hear outside by now. It’s a symphony. Music to my ears. And feeling this gentle breeze reminds me of life, the memory of life with the energy it carries. A reminder that this all is just temporary. And even though it feels at moments it’s a never ending game I’m forcing to play, this too shall pass. Am I being forced or invited? Ah, depends on whether a part of me is judging, or a better part merely receiving the experience.

Just like every other uncomfortable situation I’ve had in my life, everything in life is temporary. Like the scenes of a movie passing on the TV screen, one by one, this too is just a chapter or even only a few pages in the story of my life. Not that I want to wish it all away, like i did two years ago when preparing for back surgery. No, this time I'm choosing for it to be different. This time I am shifting this, No quick fix, no checking out of my body. No numbing myself out from feeling the pain, or listening to my heart or my emotions. A quick fix will just bring on another time like this, in the near future.

Yeah I know this can be a gift, if I can remember that it is. It might sound cliche, and maybe it is and its true though. It’s not something that happened to me, but more so something i’m meant to experience. That feels lighter. That I can handle. And no, its not like I did anything wrong, that made this happen.

What if I did something right, so this is happening? I can see the gift, when and only when my ego is quiet. I continue putting a leash on that puppy. There were days though when it had me hanging from the ceiling. Just being its slave to it. Luckily those moments didn't last too long, And i dusted myself of, straightened out my clothes, brushed my hair, splashed water on my face, and faced yet another day.

How long will it take? As long as it takes. Can I hope for it to be over soon? Absolutely. Can I find deep fulfillment here? Can I be pissed of and as why? YES!

And so we look ahead into the dark with no sense of where the road might lead. Knowing that the end is near, and the beginning of something spectacular is just beyond. And ‘the beyond’ even closer once accepting what is.


My night was long. I was lying awake, consciously drifting in time and space from one reality to another. As if I were asleep. This time though I was somewhat conscious. Drifting in and out of consciousness. Just barely conscious yet enough to know that I was. I had glimpses of my mind talking, demanding I try and get some sleep for the day will bring things that would demand my energy, my brain power and my physical strength.

Those whispers were soft, too soft. I didn’t obey.

I felt like drifting, surrendering into the vast deep layers of my unconscious and continue my watch seeing where it was guiding me to. I did eventually fell asleep. I know that much because I ‘woke up’ a couple of hours earlier than I set my alarm for. I glided out of bed, surprisingly treading on clouds. A soft landing. Did I land? I barely felt the floor under my feet.

I enjoyed my usual morning routine, spent a moment outside breathing in the fresh air. I watched my cat jumped onto a tree scratching his nails on the bark. After standing there half awake, I gazed down to check in with myself. Yup, today something is different, I affirmed. I felt light. Like I woke up and it was my birthday. Last time I checked I don't recall been born on this day. So what is it then, I wondered? I understand now the meaning of when people say ‘something is in the air’ because something was in the air! The question is WHAT?

Puzzled I turned around and made my way to the kitchen for some coffee. It distracted me a moment from my quest to find this very important answer. After that I got on with my day. My day got busy still, even through my doings this feeling stayed. Nothing I did took it away. It actually got stronger as the day went on. When I got home I made my way to my bedroom. I nestled myself into bed.

The blankets felt extra soft and caressed my body perfectly. White linen sheets and pillows all around me. I sunk even deeper into my bed as I realized I have absolutely nothing else to do. Ofcourse I forgot at the time that if I were to stop the DOINGS the messages from my heart would spiral louder. What is this feeling? I need to know. It’s so familiar. It’s so intoxicating. I don't want to rid myself of it. I just want to understand what it is. I love it so. Maybe I love it too much.

Is that what is going on here, I thought to myself? The high I felt from it, was so addictive that I could see myself getting lost in it. Vanished into a portal of bliss. Without any boundaries or structure. Turned liquid and lost all form and space. And then there it was. The answer I have been calling for. In search of from the moment I set foot outside my bed. You haunted and teased me, I passionately responded.

I now welcome you back into my life. I am sorry I have asked you to leave for a while. I had to, to survive this life on my quest of healing a broken heart. I am asking you now to unpack your bags. Make yourself comfortable for a long long stay. I missed you so. More than you would ever know. And you simply must understand, I needed to be without you for a little while. I feel the beauty of the gift you offer me. Fill me from my crown to my toe. I am ready. I am ready. I AM READY. You may enter me. Forever more. I am completing my cycle in the absence of you.

I believe they call you the energy of LOVE.

Journey into breathwork

I've come to realize that most people that get introduced to Breath work begins to shift their lives in a more positive, higher vibrational direction. Magic begins to happen. When I started my journey with breath work about 7 years ago, I was pretty miserable and stuck in my life. Many scary shifts were taking place, and all I wanted to do was run away. Back to South Africa! It felt like 'the right thing' to do at the time.

And later I realized that I wanted to run away from my life and go back to a time when things were better. It just seemed impossible for me to find stability and joy then and it felt super scary. I was so wrong.

After a few months of moving through a phase that was probably the biggest shift in my life to date, and I have had quite a few, I landed in this particular breath work class, with this particular teacher, David Elliott, that was about to change my life forever.

Little did I knew then what I was getting myself into. That my life was about to take a 180 degree shift!

I have seen this now, in my life, and others around me, over and over again. We meet or sometimes even crash into a person, or a place, or an experience, when we are in most need of it. At a time when our life needed to be shaken up, and we needed to shift direction, sometimes rapidly.

Well, this was about to go down. It was around Feb 2010.

We sat in a very big circle, and one by one we said our name, and our intention for the evening, before we were to lay down, and to this breath work thing. It was my turn to speak, and as I started, something strange happened. I looked over at the teacher, and there was a comfort, and a familiarity. Like we have done this for many many years together in the past.

I remembered cracking a joke, and laughing while talking. I was so comfortable speaking that night, in front of so many strangers, like they were all my best friends. And little did I knew that they all were about to become my best friends. I was there, by no accident I came to realize the next day.

We started our breath work journey, and something began moving through me. My mind was literally blown away by this experience. I didn't understood it at the time. And of course I wont, as I was trying to figure it out from my limited mind space at the time. I didn't feel safe to allow myself to surrender control. I did that once, about 5 years prior in a meditation, and left my body, and it took me about a week to ground. I got so freaked out, and didn't know what was going on.

After the breath work ended and made my way up to a seated position, I just sat there for a moment. I didn't know what had just happened, and I knew at the time that I wanted more. That I discovered something I didn't knew excited, and all of a sudden I knew I couldn't live without it. I signed up for a training that next day, and came in for it the following week. It was a two day training, that felt like a month.

I used to laugh a lot during the years saying to people that David has a way of bending time. It's true. He makes time stand still.

What I walked away with after those 2 days, was more I could digest, grasp, and even begin to write about here. More than I have ever experienced at the time in my whole existence in this life. I knew that life was different. I was different. And It will never be the same again. I have tasted something I wanted more of, and more and more.

What was that? Oh, I realized, it was ME. It's my beingness. My soul. My heart. It's the energy of love that sits deep within my heart. It's the most TRUEST form of me. It's the part of me I have given up a long time ago, to survive, to feel safe, and to protect myself. Since then I have taken every training, and retreat for about 7 years and counting. I fully immersed myself into the work, into myself, and into the deeper parts of life.

Shedding layer and layer of falsities to discover the light, the healer, the messenger, and the specialness of my being.

And all of a sudden, EVERYTHING shifted.

I signed up for a trip to Tuscany Italy right after the first training, and I went by myself with this group of amazing new friends. I have never spent money on myself, and never so much! I stepped out of a long time relationship, and had no idea how i was going to survive, on all levels. Financially, in solitude, without my partner, needing to do everything for myself, by myself, with myself. THE thing I was trying to avoid my whole life.

Because I never truly knew at the time, I existed, unless someone was able to validate my existence, literally that I existed, or see my value, or see I am lovable, or to keep me safe. The next 7 years has taken me or journeys inside myself that I never thought possible. I discovered my body, that it is safe to live inside it.

I discovered mother earth. That she is here for nourishment and protection. I discovered wisdom inside me that is not from this time. That I have so much to share. That there are people out there that are in need of what I have to offer. That I am a messenger. A teacher. A mentor. That I can channel write. That I am an artist. I've discovered that living by myself, in solitude, is pure empowerment, liberation, and magical.

Getting to a point in my life when I have less of a NEED for anything outside myself, to be happy, is the most powerful gift I could ever gifted myself. I grew into myself. And discover a deeper truth that all I needed, is already inside myself. That I am badass, and spending time with myself is the biggest gift I can ever give myself.

I grew into a teacher that teaches from life experience, more than from a book or a training. And yes, I've done plenty of those too. I've learnt that it's ok to love myself, and to do nice things for myself. I've learnt that it's safe to let others see me. That I can begin to accept who I am, and then allow others to be who they are. I've learnt it is safe for me to speak my truth, and to share wisdoms with others.

I have learnt that everything I see, judge, or love in another, is how I feel and what I see about myself. I have learnt that everything in my life is a mirror. And how I respond to it, is a great indication of where I am at with it, in my own life. I have learnt its ok to open my heart, and allow others to love me, and to receive support. To ask for what I want. I have learnt to surrender into uncertainty, into the unknown, into the mystery.

I have learnt to tap into my innate intuition, to listen, to feel, and to trust that part of myself more than my my mind.

I discovered that I can liberate myself from my own suffering, let go of old energies, and traumas. To heal. That myself and others.

I have discovered that I am safe in this life. That I can let others in, and let them truly see me. Hear me, and feel me. Throughout all my discoveries, I have noticed that people, students and clients have gravitated towards me, who need healing, information, guidance, wisdom, inspiration and simply love. Particularly around the topics and themes I have had intimate healing experiences around. Yes, we are all mirrors of each other.

And I have discovered the immense feeling of being high on life, when I can share healing space, or wisdom, or be a mirror for someone, and how it can change their lives, and how my life, and what I have gone through, has been so incredibly worth it, because when I become a witness of this alchemy in others, and see others shift, it shift something in me to.

And then being a witness of joy, and love spreading through my being. That is so immense, so powerful, and so radical.

Because being a witness, and having this feeling rushing through my being, is more powerful than anything I have ever experienced in my life. When love re-awakens, and pulse through your body, you begin to feel alive once more.

The journey continues. The unfolding of brilliance is unfolding in each one of us on this planet. Sometimes we have to get pushed, to begin to wake up, to discover, to remember, to allow, to shift, and in the end, we look back with a big smile and a heart full of love. This year has been unpredictable. It is a year of new beginnings.

Daily life pushes us to say yes to the new, the unchartered, the unspoken, the unknown. So we can expand more into ourselves. So we can remember our divinity. That we already are badass. Just need to strip the structures, and the limited belief systems, and small minded existence we choose to live in. To see it.

This all because of BREATH WORK.

I met my teacher. I met myself. And now I get to meet YOU! I am grateful for my journey. For each one I get to meet and share a moment with. To be a beacon, a mirror, a guide, a friend, a lover, a teacher... and a space holder for magic. Wanna be part of this revolution consciously that is already happening inside you? Meet me in a yoga class, or breath work class, or for a personal one-on-one healing session.