A gain through loss

Gazing out the window today, staring straight into the sun. It is warm outside, but it is cold inside my heart. Can it be that he is gone? One day you walk along side each other, laughing, hiking in the desert, walking til it's dark out. Lying down on the rocks, staring at the stars above, counting our blessings with each shooting star. Open hearted, vulnerable and intimate expressions through the energy we openly share. No words necessary. I watch as he pulls out his guitar and take us on a journey with his song. Words and sounds taking us into the depths of his heart and beyond, as it touches ours. Sounds fill the air speaking of love, light and promise. A boy with a whole life ahead of him, excited to be all he can be. An inspiration for most. A teacher for many, a gifted healer and artist, and above all, a true true friend with an unwavering purity in his heart.

And then all of a sudden, you find yourself left behind, alone on this path made for more than one. Looking back I see many footprints, including his, playfully treading everywhere. And today gazing down, I only see my own. This, a path that a community of open hearted people paved, and continue to walk on together, year in and year out. A community built with a stable foundation, and a mission to balance our lives within the power of love. A community who practice showing up with full commitment for this life, sharing a vision for a peaceful world. A community of artists, rebels, teachers, healers messengers and guides. People that walk through life, off the paved road. We don't truly fit into society like most do. And, in this community we embrace our uniqueness, knowing that we're the creators of a new world. We don't follow. We create. We revolutionize. We out-create and liberate ourselves from our past hurts through the creation of our song, our dance, our poem, and every act of free expression we permit ourselves to share.

To walk a journey in this way, with thousands of people by your side, you grow together intimately. You become a deeper level of friendship, year in and year out. This, a family of your choosing. A place where we keep our hearts open, and permit ourselves the gift of feeling alive. We are sensitive. We are powerful within our sensitivity, and our openness. We know it is the only way to live.

And to then sit on this day with our open hearts, feeling the painful loss and emptiness inside, is just such a heaviness to experience. I know he is in a good place. Can I still be angry? Can I still be selfish and desire to spend more time with him? Can I ask “WHY?” “Too young!!!!” I want to scream. “Why???” I want to scream. I know this is an experience I am meant to walk through. He still is the teacher he used to be in this way. I am meant to learn from you still my friend, a student I am, forever in your honor. This pain in my heart is strong, and the tears just don't seem to wanna dry up.

I know his departure is not so much about him leaving. As it's more about the feelings it bring up in all of us now been left behind.

What is inside this pain? Love I realize. Innocent love lost. And not only that, I am also seeing and feeling the love of this community deeper than ever before. How fucking incredible to feel so much love right in this moment! And not only that, it brought us all together uniting from Europe to USA to South America. The world stood still in his honor yesterday. And it brought all of us together, sitting shoulder to shoulder, in a circle with no beginning and no end, just like you my friend. There will be no end in your existence. You live forever on. Thank you for reminding me that I do know the energy of love. That I am love. That I am deeply loved and connected by so many in the same way. You my friend, has given me so much. And in your honor, I will truly reach through all the shit, the fear, the illusions I get lost in sometimes, and grab each day, and live it, to the best of my ability. As I am alive. Here and now. And I know it is what you would want for me, and it is the least I can do for you, in return for what you have done for me. Be well. In love and memory. Till we meet again. Love remains. Love is the only thing that is real. And through it, you shall always remain.