Surrender or loose

It has been a while since I've written anything and my desire to write is strong. I realize the thing I resist most is the thing that will bring me most joy, and enhance my life. So what makes it so hard then to proceed? Is it doubt? Is it my ego that desires to keep me busy with unfulfilling things? Is it the knowing that I might stumble upon things hidden, that who knows, might cause pain once I bring it back up into my consciousness? 

The life under the conscious life intrigues me. And I know I spend many hours there, yet the memories and discoveries of it stays hidden as my mind is just too occupied with DOING life. 

Its been exactly five weeks since I've driven a car, taught a yoga class, and doing the usual things I do during my day. If somebody would've told me I’d be away from life outside this head of mine for five weeks when this started, well, I would've simply replied with a rude remark of control and say NO way will i ever do that! This will be a quick fix. I will think myself healthy. Well so I thought anyway…

And so my forceful ‘will’ has learnt that it can’t force myself back to health again. Each time I became the pursuit of that, well, I crumbled under the unbearable heat of impatience that seems to boil up from under the surface. And looking around the room, there is no one I can take it out on either. No one to blame. And hey, no one or nothing around me to distract myself with for a moment so that an exhale can escape my lips.

Nope. Not this time. No sanity will be found on the outside. This is an inside job. And I thought I had it all figured out. This spiritual side of myself. I have, parts of it should I say. And then there is always more, right? Life has given me twenty four weeks of ‘quality’ time with me, myself and I. The process has been undeniably unpredictable, and an animal of something bigger than my own will and my own sense of knowing. 

I know that something bigger is happening. Its simply palpable. I feel it running through my veins. An upgrade maybe? A new platform right before me. Its like my unconscious, my subconscious and my spirit collaborated on this called timed-out period. Like they conspired months before this moment, behind my back. ‘Surprise!’ I can see them yelling out from under a disguise, and disappearing all giggly behind my back…

A period of contemplation, of going IN and bringing forth a message of something deep inside that’s meant to be in the light. Yup, there has been many ‘aha’ moments like that in this period. They usually show up when I split myself in two enduring yet another breaking point. The moment my ego finally burns to ashes. Been lit on fire by the deeper forces of my soul spilling forth with conviction. Over powering my once powerful ego. Watching parts of myself been blown away by the wind. Do i chase after it? I feel so exposed, naked and, oh so lost. Listening to the clock ticking against the wall, enveloped by darkness, and the loud sound of silence. And in between the silence, sounds of life, just outside that wall. So close yet so very far. 

A new fragment of my soul has arrived. A few maybe. And its like my physical body is crashing while all new parts of me arrive, all trying to find their way into this vehicle. Oh so little space…

And as I'm delving deeper into this void, surrendering day by day, I realize, there’s truly no other option, other than the big S word. SURRENDER. Well there is, but that one causes more pain. Placing pain on top of physical pain, well, that’s not truly my thing. Yes maybe i can tolerate a lot of pain, and that doesn't mean I have to purposefully create more through my resistance of what is. 

I reach many still points in my day to day. Lying on my back, somewhere in my apartment, and listen. Its like I've memorized each sound I hear outside by now. It’s a symphony. Music to my ears. And feeling this gentle breeze reminds me of life, the memory of life with the energy it carries. A reminder that this all is just temporary. And even though it feels at moments it’s a never ending game I’m forcing to play, this too shall pass. Am I being forced or invited? Ah, depends on whether a part of me is judging, or a better part merely receiving the experience. 

Just like every other uncomfortable situation I’ve had in my life, everything in life is temporary. Like the scenes of a movie passing on the TV screen, one by one, this too is just a chapter or even only a few pages in the story of my life. Not that I want to wish it all away, like i did two years ago when preparing for back surgery. No, this time I'm choosing for it to be different. This time I am shifting this, No quick fix, no checking out of my body. No numbing myself out from feeling the pain, or listening to my heart or my emotions. A quick fix will just bring on another time like this, in the near future. 

Yeah I know this can be a gift, if I can remember that it is. It might sound cliche, and maybe it is and its true though. It’s not something that happened to me, but more so something i’m meant to experience. That feels lighter. That I can handle. And no, its not like I did anything wrong, that made this happen. 

What if I did something right, so this is happening? I can see the gift, when and only when my ego is quiet. I continue putting a leash on that puppy. There were days though when it had me hanging from the ceiling. Just being its slave to it. Luckily those moments didn't last too long, And i dusted myself of, straightened out my clothes, brushed my hair, splashed water on my face, and faced yet another day. 

How long will it take? As long as it takes. 
Can I hope for it to be over soon? Absolutely. 
Can I find deep fulfillment here? 
Can I be pissed of and as why? YES! 

And so we look ahead into the dark with no sense of where the road might lead. 
Knowing that the end is near, and the beginning of something spectacular is just beyond. 
And ‘the beyond’ even closer once accepting what is.