I have been sitting with so much resistance as to allow myself to be and show up in a way that is needed for my soul. Since I have been back from South Africa, I have been wanting to go on my usual routine, like it used to be before I travelled home. And I promised myself before I left for SA, that this time it would be different. This time SA won’t mess with my head, or my emotions. No, I am solid in my feeling and how I do life in LA.
Silly of me to think that such a big trip won’t influence me in any way. Who am I to try and go against what my soul is asking me for? i get influenced. yup. That is what happens to me on a daily basis. I get so absorbed with the moment, my surroundings, and the people I am with, that I forget all about my path, or my previous commitment, or dream, or intention. Where do I go? The ‘I’ simply disappears, dissolving into its surroundings. And then all of a sudden I am on a new path, and a new pursuit.
Then as I walk on this new path, into a whole new direction, something at one point make me stop. In that moment, as I take stock of the happenings of my life, I realize, oh. Wait. Wasn’t there something I wanted to do, then? Was that dream I had just last month not important anymore? Oh. Now that I think about it, it actually still is. Now what? I ask myself. Where do I go from here?
I am halfway on my way navigating South, and I also, not long ago was halfway navigating North. And my passion lies in both directions. And no, as much as I have tried it over and over again, I am not able to navigate both. Yes, I guess I am human after all. And so this confusion has me paralyzed, and then my ability to move forward has left the building. And here we are. On a pause. Then my mind decides to take over and run the show.
My mind keeps tugging on this idea that I need to DO something. What? I would ask it. I am at a crossroad. Anything! it would insist. And so I would get up, and start DOING. Then stop, because I can’t focus. Then force myself again, then stop. Tick Tock… hours later, watching the sun vanishing over the horizon, and nothing has been accomplished. And I have been busy. Super busy. With what? I simply can’t answer that.
Nothing, yet everything. Walking circles around myself. Running into myself. Voices and stories circling over and over in my mind. I should….. I must…… I can’t….. I don’t know….. What is the chase? I ask myself. What would it take for me to stop. To slow down. To sit. And be. Watch. Feel. Allow. Once I feel that connection to God, then, I take this long beautiful exhale. And I feel my nervous system relaxes a bit. It is then that I look up, and see the beauty of this day.
The birds singing in my garden. The energy pulsing through my body. And then as I begin to feel this beauty. I discover my heart is actually quite open. I sometimes forget how much I actually accomplish and do in a day. More than most. What would happen if I were to loosen my grip on this need to DO and control every second of my day? What if i can choose consciously to do less, and get more things done? What if I have been going about it all wrong?
What if being, will allow me to then get to do the things that is of most important? I get to be with my soul for a bit. Then listen to what she has to say. To then move from that place of connection, purpose and clarity. My mind is constantly receiving information. It is hard to keep up with it, with myself in that way. It seems crucial I get a grip on it, and slow it down. Daily, or I continue running circles around myself.
And yes, information something through it is quite genius, and important. yet I am only human. I need to slow it down. Let my soul tell me in which direction to direct my life into. So the magic can begins. Getting quiet to listen. Getting quiet to discover the best path.
Getting quiet to allow myself to experience the magic of each moment.