This journey in Africa is well on its way. I find myself back at the place where life started for me. With a feeling of being in the middle of another life. This one belongs to me, and then there is Los Angeles.
The culture here is so different, yet so familiar. It doesn't take much for me to remember a life I used to be part of. A culture I help created with my presence. My roots in Africa will always be deeply engrained inside me. It is where life started for me. Where I took my first breath. Received my first ray of sunlight. Placed my first footprint, wobbly I may ad. My first experience of many more things to repeat.
I've been living in America almost half my life! And it made me realize how foreign I feel. Do I belong in Africa? Do I belong in America? That has always been the search for me. A place to belong. And in my search I have realize we don't belong to a place or a person. We belong to ourselves. It is here, inside where we can feel we are home. When we truly feel at home inside, we are free. Home is where the heart is. For a long time I have lost my heart, perhaps left it in Africa and kept walking further and further away from it. And now I'm starting to see it has always been here. All I needed to do was allow it to beat on it's own rhythm. The more I tried to fit in somewhere the more I felt lost and isolated. The more encounters I have experienced that tried to wake me up to this realization. I am home. I have always been home.
It all feel so foreign and deeply familiar at the same time. And today I have the power to be happy, no matter where in the world. No matter with or without people around. There is no difference for me. The place of power is feeling deep in my heart, that I have no need for anything external to feel whole or loved or at home.
I still have these moments of old behaviors, and then I remember I am here today. I am not that of yesterday. And today I am at home inside my heart.
Ah, and then there is this question that is always in the background. Am I going to return to this land again one day? Her calling doesn't seem to go away. Is this call an addiction to an older life I can't part with? Or is this the call of the land, giving me a glimpse of what's to come?
A three sixty. A journey that took me away from Africa, to find myself, so I can return and be the woman I've given up long long ago, and have been in search of since then.
Did I really had to leave, to discover her?
And so today I see a life filled with freedom. Freedom to be. Freedom to express. Freedom to love and be loved.
Can it be that simple? A choice. I get to choose freedom.
I want to feel free has been my cry for most my life. Can it be that all I needed to realize is that I am free.
This journey is bringing lots of changes through external influences. A sudden shift in direction. New ideas and glimpses of what's to come. Connecting the dots from my life. Seeing how each experience and encounter is taking me somewhere. Preparing me for the next thing. And the next thing. And the next.
This might be the first visit to Africa where I feel I am not depended of another to feel happy. I get to choose how I want to spend my day. Instead of waiting for others to complete my day. I don't feel a need for much. I'm not planning too much. I'm just here. I get to work. To rest. To meditate. To social. To write. To see family. To be alone. To exercise. I see how I can continue to work without being in the states physically. It's showing me my future. A gift. An offering to still my worry. And my nagging mind of needing to understand everything of the future today.
It shows me what I need to know today. So now I'm practicing knowing that is all I need to know. And so as this journey continues across the world, filled with journeys outward and inward. Who is with me?