What is this need? Today I question this tiny voice inside my head.


Is there truly a need for someone outside of me? I find myself in a familiar longing again. It's on the surface though. Can it be that I feel I need to be like everyone else, and long for a normal life? Where one is in relationship, and building a family and grow old together?


I'm worried others will judge me, because I judge and question my desire for solitude. “Shouldn't I desire being in a relationship or in a family situation”? In those times I forget who I truly am, and make other people's opinions and truths my own. I get caught up in the pursuit for connection. And every now and then something grabs me by the collar and pulls me back into reality.


I am not that. I am not that. I am not that.


I don't fit into society in this way. Thank god for that. I don't have a strong desire to be in relationship. This is my truth. I am deeply content with my life. I feel balanced. I feel whole. I am a being with everything I need inside me. I love my freedom. I love the energetic space I create for myself and reside in.


And so today I question this need that I feel at times. It's not real. It's actually quite small. Barely existing. Where do you come from? What is it that you would like to express to me today? I'm give you your moment in the spotlight now. Shining a big light onto you. Speak to me, and then off you go to another place far far away, where you belong.


I am the creation of balance. Masculine and feminine resides inside me. I fulfill my existence by showing up for the one inside. I follow my own dreams and my own hearts desires. I create ample space to fulfill those desires. And it's not being self centered, as it's more centered in self, and so centered in existence and its people.


It's called freedom. Freedom to be. Freedom to express. Freedom to walk where my path takes me. To run wild and high on life. To savor the beauty of belonging to the world.


I was in a relationship with a wonderful man for a few months. It didn't last long, as I started feeling caged in. He wasn't caging me in. It was I realizing I don't fit into his dream of us being together. What he wanted, is not who I am. For most people's desires, its the most beautiful life he promised. Having a family, doing things together, kids, a home etc.


I am not that.


And so I question this experience and wanting to see what it was trying to teach/show me.


This small voice inside me, this need I still have at times to be with a man, has brought this on.


And so as I let go of this need to belong to something other than myself. The world opens, and I will see connections and relationships with everything and everyone around me. Fulfilling connections, without needing to give up anything about myself, or my freedom. I've never truly been a relationship type person. I reside happily in solitude.


So in giving up the need for connection, it will usher in a ton more connections, true connections. Connections that enhance my life, not take away anything I care about. Relationships that I can share myself in, and stand in the place of solitude, within it. Now that feels more true to my heart. I am accepting who I am more and more. I allow the judgements to burn away with each sunny day. Purifying my mind of confusion, so I can remember I am uniquely different.


And who I am and how I feel is important. Even when I stand alone.