I'm standing at the bluffs in Santa Monica, over looking the ocean and the Santa Monica pier. A notice a feeling comes over me, carried in by the wind. A feeling from a memory of long ago. A day in the year 2000, just after my arrival in America, with all of my belongings, to start a whole new life with a man I was madly in love with at the time. We were standing on this exact same spot 14 years ago, gazing over the ocean and sand. I was so young then. 21 years old, and I had no idea what I wanted to make of this life.
All I knew was I was searching for love. This man I looked up to was my ticket to just that. I looked up to him in so many ways. He was my first real big love. I travelled across the world to be with him. We spend a year apart in a long distance relationship, and I eventually moved out to be with him. I remember how beautiful everything looked in Santa Monica. The street signs were so big, the trees so beautiful, and the people so different.
I remembered a fine Saturday afternoon. After we had a few drinks, we decided to rollerblade down to the Santa Monica pier. Of course I've only been on rollerblades maybe twice in my life at the time, and it wasn't a good sight! The road leading to the pier was all downhill. And I went for it. Speeding down, fearlessly and invincible. Just like I felt arriving on this new ground. Nothing else mattered to me at the time. I was in love.
Close to the pier I started swirling around and fell to the ground in a big dramatic mess. I guess alcohol must be a painkiller as I don't recall feeling bruised from this magnificent fall. I had scars to show, yet, no pain! Laughingly I got up and continued down hill, as if the fall never happened. This was a great indication of my state of mind at the time. Careless and free.
It was some of the best times of my life. The world was ours to entertain.
That was the foundation of our 6 year long relationship. Adventure, play and social.
I wish I was able to let go and enjoy, completely. I did for parts of our time together, yet I wasn't able to fully surrender and trust. The voices in my head were very loud at the time. I used to look at him and admired how he navigated through life, effortlessly, playfully and trusting. I want that! I've always wanted that! He gave me love, and I was just too afraid to receive. I just couldn't trust it.
And so this intention started for me. To let go and let life move through me. Let go. Open arms. Open heart. Free falling! It was such a foreign concept for me at the time. To let go and trust.
He met life with an unwavering strength and confidence. He believed he could do anything. As an actor, he never doubted his ability to learn a new skill and master it. That confidence was super attractive and inspiring. Sadly through the years of being together I kept feeling smaller and smaller next to him. I didn't had it in me to sustain the ground I stood on. My focus was on him. I needed validation, and my family and friends were too far to get that from them. So I made him responsible for my happiness, my worth and feeling loved.
There was love between us. And I'm realizing today, the exchange was off. We lived high on our addictions. We weren't able to sustain joy and love inside ourselves. We partied and socialized in the Hollywood scene. The last two years of our togetherness I started pulling away from that scene. I felt the need to find healing. To find balance. I was gone. I lost myself in the desperate need to belong to something or someone other than myself.
It was a very painful split for us both. It was one of the most incredible experiences in my life and also the most painful. The relationship was filled with extremities. It was a wild ride. One I will do again and again and again, even knowing it broke my heart. I remember something he said then. The pain is the reward from being truly in love. It showed us how deep our love runs. How strong our connection was. How special our relationship was. And that stuck with me and will forever.
The pain made me realize, even through the fear of abandonment, I did love. There was beauty between us. There was innocence between us. There were two people connected as best friends and enjoying life, grabbing every opportunity there was to live life to the fullest. It was a playground.
I wasn't able to deal with all the pain after our split. And as one do, we burry the pain. We forget. We think we deal. We do cry, we feel, we release, and still, you burry some of it. Like a dog burry a bone, just this, not so much fun to uncover. I know now that letting go of the pain, doesn't mean letting go of him, or the good times. The memories and that time of my life will only get brighter and more beautiful as I let the pain go. It's like letting go to truly have. To truly honor this magical time we had. And will always have deep inside my heart.
This man brought me to LA. Where would I be today if I'd never taken that plane to LA 14 years ago? What I've learnt in this relationship, what I've studied throughout the past 14 years, and the teacher I've become is such a fulfilling exchange. And most of all, it gave me solitude.
It gave me the gift of solitude.
I've overcome my fear of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Solitude is the place where I get to love myself without any distractions. The place I get to create, and hear spirits voice. The place I get to connect with spirit undisturbed. The comfort I've discover in solitude is the most grandest gift life can ever offer anyone. It empowers you and lifts you up to a whole new dimension. It opens you to experience life through an expanded reality. If one can be comfortable in a place of solitude, one has arrived. This is where life truly begins.
In the end the most important things in life are only experienced alone. Birth, death, our connection to God, our creative expression, and self love. So for this gift I am forever grateful to you. Thank you for being in my life for 6 years, riding a roller coaster to the extreme. It sculpted my life and left me changed forever. I understand why I had to walk this path with you. Each lesson. Every tear. Every belly laugh. I get it in totality.
Now as I'm ushering in a new way of being in the world and in relationships, I have found myself inside a relationship. I am not lost. I am deeply and fully connected to myself, in solitude, and at the same time, sharing myself.
I find myself in solitude within myself and in relationship with the world. It's called BALANCE
I love how life is like a puzzle and each experience and moment is there for a very important reason. I get it. I get life mostly when I stand back and gaze over my journey and see how it all fits. Sometimes during a certain experience I don't get it, and as much as I don't get it, I'm beginning to trust that at the right time I will.