A Gain through Loss

I woke up two days ago with my body filled with anxiety. "What had gotten into me," I wondered. This familiar feeling is something I haven't felt, for quite some time. After stumbling into my now spiritual teacher's breathwork class in 2010, those childhood traumas began evaporating one by one. This with my continued commitment and hard work during the seven years I've sat in circle with him.

I was one of those. First to arrive, and last to leave with an unwavering commitment to my healing. Why? I guess I've always been a seeker, this mostly searching for myself. Then I have this desire since I can remember, for discovering the truth in all things, as its written in the big book of all knowing. Of course throughout my life I realized what I was searching for, was inside myself all along.

It took quite a few hard lessons, and many re-visits to some long held old traumas, to eventually arrive at this newfound knowing.

Growing up without anyone on the outside validating my existence, made me feel invisible. Like I was sitting outside the world, gazing in. I am in this world, yet not of it. It's a very unsettling feeling. A constant I've had most my life, that would keep my mind in a knot, and wondering what is it about me, that is simply so very wrong.

So here on this day, I sat with a heavy blanket of anxiety covering my body. And like all humans do, I'd found myself searching for something in my life, that one significant thing, that's making me feel so very anxious. What may be the cause of such discomfort, I wondered? Looking at my life from the outside, it all looks pretty spectacular.

I'm a yoga teacher, and spiritual teacher living on the westside of Los Angeles in a beautiful bungalow cottage just fourteen blocks away from the beach. My boyfriend is a pretty special being, and we are most definitely here to meet once more, while continuing our work as spiritual beings. I feel deeply loved by my community, clients and students. I'm blessed with many friends, and my body has been good to me. Even though health is a thing I need to be obsessed with, to stay balanced.

In the later part of my day, my anxiety turned into anger. And not just any anger, I felt rage surging through my veins. I was watching myself almost feeling out of control around the rage spiraling through my body producing heat waves. Luckily I have accumulated many tools throughout my years of doing my spiritual work, as in how to handle strong emotions bubbling up.

I started by acknowledging that I was feeling this way. I then gave myself permission to allow these feelings to be there, and to express them as big as it needed be. I watched myself grabbing a pillow and letting out a few big yells, this while trying not to alarm my neighbors. It reduced some of the intensity I felt, which was good. And so for the rest I allowed it to co-exist.

This with all the other feel good feelings also living in my heart space. I was baffled though. I must admit.

Instead of writing or doing breathwork, I decided to go take a vigorous yoga class at yoga works with one of my favorite teachers, and used the fire energy for fuel, which in the end alchemized into vitality and passion. It knocked me out, and I slept very well that night. I woke up yesterday still feeling somewhat off.

Also happily noticing the anxiety and rage have subsided. I am not an angry person, yet I'm learning not to deny myself of feeling any and/or all emotions. I was very much looking forward to spending my evening with my boyfriend as we made a date to watch a movie at home. Showing up to his place I noticed me feeling small, and weak.

Again, a feeling I used to reside in for most my childhood, yet something I've worked through, and cleared, or so I thought. It took me quite some time to gather strength to voice to him how I felt. I told him, I don't know what has gotten into me, and that I felt lost, numb, small, and very much out of my body.

There was a haze over my eyes, and I could barely focus. I told him I can't feel anything, and all I wanted to do was hide. And that I hated feeling this way, and can't seem to shake it. I took a big duvet and covered my body while curling up in a small ball on one corner of the sofa. I even hid my head. I literally felt like I wanted to retrieve from life.

This might sound strange, and it felt like I wanted to close my eyes and not needing to open them again. As if I were carrying a feeling of hopelessness, and deep depression. This, something I haven't felt since my teens, about twenty years ago. So very strange, I thought to myself.

Just before we fell asleep we had a conversation about my mother. And how I am learning to have healthier and stronger boundaries. This way I can't get affected by her drama and intense energy anymore. This way I get to protect myself from processing strong dramatic and sometimes destructive emotions from her.

I felt a stronger pull and needy energy from her this past week, and it brought up a lot of uncomfortable emotions and mind stuff that I was resisting heavily. My boyfriend brought up a few significant questions. He asked me, "what could work for you? Do you still want contact with your mom? Or would you rather let go of her completely? What would be the healthy choice for you?"

He could see that this was affecting me so much, and this energy has in some way ruined most my childhood. My mother was borderline, narcissistic, yet I loved her deeply. I answered without hesitation and clarity. "I love my mother. I don't want to walk away from her. I just need to learn stronger boundaries, and have as little contact with her, as what's needed.

I would love to have her in my life. Enjoy her for what she has to offer, and say no to the rest."

Needles to say our date night did not go as planned. I had a deep sleep, yet felt very tired when I woke up this morning. I looked over at my phone and saw a few missed calls from my brother and my aunt in South Africa. I txt my aunt on whatsapp regularly, and speak to my brother infrequently. I didn't think much of it at the time.

After the forth call from my aunt in a matter of thirty minutes I felt something was not right. We had planned a beautiful date day on this auspicious Saturday. Our plan was to drive to the Huntington Library botanical gardens and spend the day there. And selfishly so I didn't wanted to ruin this beautiful day we have planned. Especially after feeling so off the past two days, and especially last night.

We got into the car, and we began our drive. My boyfriend gently insisted that perhaps I needed to pick up my phone, after my aunt's persistent calls. I felt my heartbeat rising, and hearing my voice so weak over the phone greeting my aunt. She thanked me for picking up my phone. And there it was. The news I didn't wanted to hear.

My biggest fear echoing in my ears, and spinning in my head. Last night, when I felt like retrieving from life, and hid myself away under the covers, was the exact time that my mother decided to be done with her life. It was her choice, as she made it so. The words landed hard on my chest. I saw tears flowing down my cheeks, yet I couldn't fully feel them or my body for that matter.

I watched myself going into shock. Is this happening to me? How is this happening? Is this real? How? ...?... and then my mind just stopped.

After I hang up the phone my boyfriend decided to still drive us to the gardens anyway. He thought it would be a beautiful healing place to be in while allowing space for these words and new reality to sink in. I walked and walked and walked around the gardens. I sat. I dropped to my knees. I cried. I collapsed into his arms. I gazed into the far distance. I smelled some beautiful roses. I drank tea in the rose garden.

And I spent countless hours just listening to the silence between the singing of the birds around me. This all whilst not giving any notice of anyone else around me. As if it was just me, and this big wide spread out garden. A haven to calm my broken heart, to be held while my legs were giving in, and a tease for my senses with so much natural beauty and aromas all around.

It helped filling the emptiness I was feeling inside, with love in a way only nature knows how.

She is gone, and she decided it so. No goodbyes. And I'm left with so many questions, with no answers. And a knowing that these answers might never be known. The anxiety I felt was hers. And so the rage and anger. And so the moment she departed. As a spiritual being, it still shocks me, to realize how connected we are. And how much we can feel.

And how incredibly intuitive we are. I am done questioning these powerful truths. I am now allowing them to be so. Unwavering and labeling them as common sense.

Fast forward to today. It has been exactly thirty days since her transition. And this is what I've come to realize. My spiritual practice is solid, and because of it, I know she is still around, simply just in another form. All the work I've done on myself, shows, as I can handle more than my mind can ever make me believe is true.

I see the human in me is grieving, and I have learnt tools to allow it so. I see my soul is celebrating our time we've had together. This with a knowing that I now have an angel on the other side that will help me manifest a life of meaning, purpose and heart based successes.

I feel an immense relief as now I can let go of heavier emotions like guilt, pain, and confusion. A gift she gifted me with. So that we can bathe in a new found connection of pure unconditional love. And whilst continuing doing her work in a dimension gentler than this life. She is free, and she gave me such a gift as well.

Through my spiritual practice my soul is able to hold my human that is still grieving. I can hold all the human emotions, and allow them to flow, and be so, till they are ready to dissolve completely. It helps me to see beyond the limiting beliefs that we as humans sometimes carry. I allow no such guilt to taint my days here anymore. It is just such a waste of precious life force.

I feel wide open, and allow the world to see me, in my most vulnerable state. I cry in yoga, on the street, in restaurants and movies. And I don't give it even a second of thought anymore. I feel so free in my vulnerability and honest self expression. Without a need to explain myself. I feel more connected to life, and the present moment than ever before.

And I've gained another level of compassion for people, and life, in a way I never thought I lacked. And this only thirty days after her transition.

I will leave you with a quote from my mother. "Life is precious" Yes, ma, life is so very precious. And I will live it to the fullest, for you, and for myself, and for those I meet along my path. Because I know you would want me to. And I will fall in love with parts of myself I used to judge, or detached from.

Why, because you now live through me. Because you are part me. Because I am. I am, because of you. Because I now have an angel opening up my path for me. This, you. Thank you mom.

And I will surrender any and all questions that may never result in an answer. Because I am learning as a human being, that life might not always be understood. And learning to let it be so. Knowing that I can trust in the preciousness of my life, mom. Because I am not alone. Because you are with me, and many others along my path.

And I will be a vehicle for any death and rebirth that wants to take place through me, and on my path. And be a helper, a friend, a facilitator, a teacher, a guide, a support, and a compassionate friend, for those going through spiritual deaths, transformations or even physical deaths.

Thank you for this life. For this gift of knowledge. For having a desire to seek for truth in all things. For seeing life through the eyes of my soul. For knowing what it feels like to be loved, and to love. For angels, for you mom, for love and all beings.

To be continued.... with love, forever in my heart. marlize