dear mom

Dear mom

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. It's human nature to feel. To feel deeply. Rarely do we access these deep feelings, and in life, sometimes we get forced too. Something significant brings us to a halt. A sudden stop. And today, it is you, mom.

You have always been someone significant. Not just in the eyes of my own, yet even more so the eyes of the world. I haven't met a single person that didn't like you. And not only that, you would make them your friend. My friends, those who came and went, still to this day, have such a deep love for you.

You had a way to remember things, experiences, and people. You would recall long forgotten friends of mine, and I would relive them by the way you share your memory of them, this with immeasurable detail.

Sometimes feeling stay, even after we beg them to leave. Feelings, so annoying at times, wouldn't you say fellow humans? This humanness gets in the way of us sometimes seeing the truth. This humanness today is crying out, "I thought you'd stay forever, mom?!" I had so many plans for the next phase of our life, mine, yours, Werner's, yes us all.

Just yesterday as I projected into the future, I saw a set of footprints, along a few other's. That, yours, mine, Werner's, and our partners. Where to now with this memory, mom? It has nowhere to land. Just like this love I have for you, as you are nowhere near, in physical form for it to land.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. You had a few sayings mom, two in particular I remember so vividly. "life is so precious" and 'live in the moment." I must admit, if I were to live in each moment, day in and day out living in LA and you in SA, I'd feel a lack of something. Or better so, a lack of someone. I realize I'd experience a deep longing that would never be silenced.

A longing for you and Werner to live closely with me till end of time. And be my most special of all companions on this journey of life. I had to learn to be present, in the world, living in the now, without feeling the nagging lack of your physical presence in my life. I'd simply miss you too much.

And today, I have no choice but be in this moment, and feel the lack of you, this not because of the physical distance. More so as you decided it to be so.

Sometimes feeling stay, even after we beg them to leave. Sometimes the things we say, are the things we want to gift ourselves with. Perhaps this statement "life is precious" was something you wanted to grasp, or attain in the later part of your life mom.

Because why would you have such a knowing, yet decided to depart from such a precious experience? And 'living in the now' would bring you an immense overwhelming, almost too much, feeling of LOVE from all the corners of the world. Because mom, being loved by the world is most definitely an understatement when it comes to you.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. And so on this day we are left with many unanswered questions. Some never will. And learning to surrender, for it to be so. Such is life, isn't it? Perhaps these words that keep spinning in my head today, " I deserve a better goodbye" will evaporate with time. I know in the end, it is not about you leaving mom, as it's more about us, now being left behind. Us meant to have this experience.

And how we choose to navigate through this, well, that's our right to choose. This, I see, is as much a blessings, as a sad change in my life. I am now taking the torch, and walking along this path you've been on, now being a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend in my own right, as you were.

A rite of passage, I see it so.

Sometimes feeling stay, even after we beg them to leave. In your honor mom, I will live in the now. I will label this life as precious, and proceed as such. I will be the mother to myself and the world I've always meant to be. I will learnt to be gentle with myself, and everyone I meet on this path. Because we all carry a hurt in our hearts, a loss of some sort.

And I will be an example of so, and spread compassion as far as I go. We must learn to glue the broken pieces together, and create a brand new masterpiece. Why? Because we can. Because we want to. Because you would want us too. Because we are alive. Because we live in the now. And because this life is precious, just like you mom. Just like I. Just like all of us here together in your honor.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. We are more than a heartbeat, in a world where we sometimes forget to love. This pain in my heart, is the result of love I have for you, and will so forever more. In the end, love will redeem the broken.

And our hearts have a funny way of healing. Bit, by bit, by bit..... by bit.

You were always a wild one, restless like the sea. Feisty, passionate, and powerful. You could light up a room, and bring the party. You were the life we were all searching for. Now you handed down the torch, for us to be that life, to feel alive, to be alive, to shine our way through life, like you did.

Sometimes feelings stay, even after we beg them to leave. You have been a teacher for me in ways I can't even begin to describe. And you continue to be, that I know as much. Our relationship is changing now. It's redefining my role in this world, and yours, as you are still here, just in another form.

Redefining our righteous place, the leader, the teacher, the #SHE that's meant to light up the world. To breathe life into everything, and waking up those still walking dead in this life. I bow down to you, mom. The one who brought the world to a standstill. May we meet again, and again, and again. Till then...

Safe journey mom. May you ease through your transition. And know you are forever in my heart. Your daughter.