What is one to do other than contemplate life, and becoming deeply intimate with self, when lying on your back for over two weeks? And not being able to move much. A back injury now so severe, it placed me on my back. Literally. I am in need of support. I have no choice but to place my life in others hands, for support, love, and help. I simply must open and receive. What an incredible gift being forced onto me!
It's been an interesting time for me. As I lie here, with nothing to distract myself with, I have no choice but delve deep inside this pain. Instead of thinking I know what it is, I had to go find a deeper aspect of it, than what my mind came up with. After some time here in the quiet, I eventually found a still point, and in this place, I began to converse with the pain. I didn't realize I was actually going to get some concrete answers back, but I thought I'd give it a shot. And I did!
Then as the next day roll in, I'd somehow find myself in this same still point again. And something would nudge me to stop 'doing/thinking' and listen again. And then I would discover another layer underneath the previous one that needed to express itself! More and more of those day in and day out.
And so I've been in deep meditation, writing, being with my nervous system, my pain body, my heart, my thoughts, my breath, the sounds outside my place, and my soul. As I finally stopped the 'doing' I was able to delve deeper and go find the roots/cause of the pain. And let me tell you. Never in my life have I experienced such pain. Now this pain came UP to heal. So it has in a way always been there. Now finally given a voice to express itself, so it and I can be free! Isn't it amazing to think I am ready to deal with this now, and set it free? The time has arrived for us to part ways! I have been dealing with this for a good year now. Well, probably much longer...And this is the final push through the birth canal.
One realization after another, layer after layer, as I'm dropping my so called 'control' on my life. And allow myself to be supported in the darkness, and the mystery of it all. The spaces of birth/death. The unknown. A dying of an old way and birth of a new being. That is I guess the gift in such severe pain. It paralyzes you, so you have no choice but stop 'doing' and listen. I know this is a death that is taking bits and pieces of me. Consuming parts of me that is not meant to continue on with me in this life. There is a birth about to happen in the spaces that is now becoming empty. And I am mourning parts of myself that's dying, or I can choose to focus on the parts that are about to birth in this new open spaces. The parts of myself I have been asking for. So what do I choose? Where do I want to keep my focus? On what was, and what is dying of, or on what is about to flow in, that has always been my answer, for what I've been searching for.
It seems obvious if one looks at it from this view point. But as humans we can't help but miss the familiar, even when those parts of our existences has caused us most pain. We still tend to grip tight on what we know. Please don't leave! Aren't you here to protect or serve me in some way? Then again, has it ever? The false belief that tells us that it will keep us safe, that we can hide under, has in fact done just the opposite for us!
Then as we wake up, we begin to flow with the truest part of our lives, a part of our existence that has our best interest at heart, now and always. And as trust filters in more, you begin to see the rainbow, and the light filtering from everywhere and the blessings flowing in, ready to be received by you. Where have you been all my life? “here” it would respond. Sadly, unnoticed by us, as we were too busy to keep our focus on what is missing, or leaving our path, than the beauty and love that keeps knocking on our hearts.
I was grinning to myself a couple of days ago... Really?! Am I THIS stubborn? That it had to take THIS much pain for me to STOP and LISTEN! It takes a lot to bring me down. I do like to put up a fight. lol.. And now I'm putting down the swords. I am done fighting. I am LOVING it to death instead. That feels a lot sweeter, doesn't it?
I am deep in my heart and see this whole thing as a blessing. It's like I finally GET it. It's definitely showing me what I'm made of, it tested me, it pushed me to my limits and beyond. And now beginning to see the light on the other side, I can say it brought empowerment. It has slowed down my pace, to one that I am meant to walk from now on. This a new way of being. The old is just not serving me anymore. A new rhythm. One filled with the feminine qualities, bringing more trust, intuition and surrendering to the journey. One that follows her own heartbeat, and not the ego driven rhythm of the world. This means to trust more than ever before. To live in a place of mystery. The place of continual birth. Birthing out of a place of the unknown. I will continue dropping deeper into this place, knowing I am not alone. I am supported and guided every step of the way. The path will be under me as I step into the darkness.
I've learnt so much about myself, my past, my lineage, and also what's about to birth in this new open space that's being created!!! I see it clearly. I understand it. I intended something big over the full moon a couple of weeks ago, and so this is showing me, someone is listening, cos things are moving! Quickly. It's already happening. I can feel the new energy already penetrating my existence.
I guess all I've learned on my spiritual journey is not put to the test, to see if all this wisdom I share with others, can actually be used in practicality. I will continue sharing my process with you all. Thanks for giving me the space to share this in open and vulnerable exposures. Endless love. Xoxo