Femine Power

I did something really important for myself and my own evolution today. I held on to a painful experience for about a year, and today I finally allowed it to open and move on.

I fell down a flight of stairs 14 years ago. I hurt my back in the process. It took about a year to heal.

In 2005 I hurt it again in a yoga class. It took quite some time to heal. And about a year ago I was in a yoga class with a master yoga teacher and hurt it again. I would classify him as one of the best yoga teachers in todays day and age. He brought yoga from india to LA. He taught Chuck Miller and Maty Ezraty yoga, who ended up opening Yoga Works and started the whole Yoga movement here in LA. He is a fantastic teacher. One of a kind. And I've always felt blessed to study under him.

On the other hand, his hand is quite heavy on the hands-on-adjustments. Typical ashtanga adjustments where they use their whole body weight or even sometimes stand on you to adjust! I did not know this. One fine morning in his class, he came over, and gave me the strongest adjustment ever, and my back went out. I was in a gentle forward fold, and the intensity he used for it was way out of line.

I wasn't even able to stand upright. My pelvis was stuck in a anterior tilt. Nothing took the pain away. I was down on my back for weeks. I was furious at him and my circumstances. As a yoga teacher we only get paid when we actually teach yoga! After a few weeks of not being able to move much, I started limping to class and taught leaning against the wall. I was in a tremendous amount of pain.

Of course in the past year I would randomly ran into women who have had a similar experience with this same teacher! And then to hear they haven't gone back to say anything, caused me to be more upset.

Needles to say, I knew I needed to go back to his class and have a conversation with him.

I knew it is something important to do for myself. To say. Hey, that was NOT so COOL. You hurt me. You were unconscious and hurt me. Are you aware of the fact that you do this to students? Can you be more conscious and aware so others don't get hurt like me? Can it be that if I voice how I feel to him, I might protect another person from having a similar experience like me? Can I help protect students by shedding light on his weakness, just like he shed light on my weakness in my body?

I wasn't ready to speak to him right after. I knew that I would attack him, probably rip his head of at the time! Wow, where did that anger came from? I felt so righteous at the time. To hold on to the anger, and feeling victimized. I was furious. “HE did that to me!” “It's all HIS fault!” I stayed stuck in that energy for a whole year!! I can't believe it, but its been a year since that incident happened. And today, on this fine day, he walked past me in the yoga studio. I looked at him, and said.. “Can I talk to you?” I knew it was time to heal.

He didn't expect to see me there. I took him by surprise. I felt OK to talk to him, yet a lil nervous. I told him my experience, and what happened on that day, and after that day. That it hurt me tremendously. I told him that I know I have an injury I am working with. I know accidents do happen. And I just really needed to express how I feel. It felt important to do so. He acknowledged that he did what he did. Now that I didn't expect at all!! I didn't expect him to take responsibility for that! Sometimes the other person can be in a lot of resistance or have an inability to hear, which I was preparing myself with, and would be OK with.

He stood there. He was present. He listened. I didn't blame him. I just shared what happened for me.

I also thanked him for showing me a weak spot in my body. A place I am checked out, or numb. I know now I need to bring more awareness into that area anyway. So the gift of this experience is to now focus on a part of my body that has been screaming for my attention.

And then there is this simple truth. Why did I wait so long? Why did I chose to stay in the pain for so long? Why did I hold on to it for so long? What was that all about? I had to sit with that today. And here it is.

I felt hurt by someone outside myself. I was in a vulnerable space. I trusted him. I was open. He came and hurt me. In an effort to protect myself from this happening again, I chose to hide under this pain. See, if I can hold on to this story, then I get to keep my heart closed. I get to hide under this story and pain. And so I can use it and say, hey, this happened. I'm not letting anybody close to me again. So it was my escape route. It was my way of staying closed of to the world and the people in it.

And in this process I hurt myself by sitting in the discomfort and the pain for so long. Wow. Is this pain really worth feeling 'safe'?

What does it mean to be a woman in this world? We are strong and wise. We can protect ourselves. We can stand up for ourselves in a loving way. We can express to another how we feel, even when it may cause conflict. It's our birthright. We simply must. It's not about blaming. It's about honoring our feelings enough to give them a voice. To say I am worth speaking up for. The alchemy already happens the minute you speak. Whether they receive or not. That part is not important. The magic happened the moment you choose to express.

As I was talking to this teacher, I felt an opening in my low back. Energy started poring down my left leg. Vibrations and heat. Underneath the energy I felt the sadness and the anger that got stuck there. Can it be that simple? I can let it go now. I'm letting it go...

The process of coming into my power as a women has been so very interesting. My soul re-incarnated into this world, asking for power. I have earned wisdom and ecstasy/samadhi in other lives already. This one is power. So at birth I was stripped of my power and my identity. I got dropped into a environment where I felt invisible, and powerless. It's been a beautiful process to walk myself whole. To remember who I am, and feeling my power within me, and it growing bigger year in and year out.

A power that scares me sometimes. I'm learning what it means to carry power, light, wisdom, and intuition. And balancing all those with the heart energy. Knowing the power I have will not hurt, manipulate or abuse another. The power I have will not take over and spiral out of control.

The most difficult realization is knowing the more I stand in my power, the more I will attract people. Being in authority, being a teacher, and leader comes with a lot of responsibility. It will take me in directions and places I can't control. I can't hide or be small in that place. The place I'm so familiar with. And so it's been an interesting study to watch myself grow into the women I have always been, remembering that part of myself in this life.

Love

A love so greatly enhanced by what you become.

A love intertwined with divinity and expressing itself through nature.

A desire for love to enrich and consume all of my existence. I allow.

I am alive. I exists in and through you. I act on your behalf.

You sustain and validate my every act of faith. I trust.

Please reveal yourself in a form I can recognize.

The illusions of you still tease me, and lure me in. I forget.

I give you away freely, and abundantly. Please accept my offer.

I receive your eternal flow back towards me, savoring the grace you've become. I receive.

I open myself in the direction of you. I experience your fragrance as truth. I remember.

I open more widely for you to enter into mine, and watch as I gather more trust. I allow.

Streaming in so strong, the momentum picks me up and I vanish into you.

Disappearing in the love and grace that you are. I surrender.

You I have become.

Grace is how I move.

Love is what I am.

I only exist in the now. In this moment the past has never been.

I am pure. I am clean. I am new. I am forever beginning. I am never ending.

Eternal I am, alive in the now.

Untainted. Free. Unlimited. I am the whole universe in a glimpse of you. I know.

This breath is the essence of existence carried through me, it sustains. I am alive.

It captures. It fuels. It creates. It reveals the truth about life.

The truth that exists without illusion.

The truth that you are. The only thing that is real. You.

I bow down to the power of LOVE.

Power to Influence

A couple of days ago I was working with one of the most influential people in todays music industry. I sat down next to him, discussing meditation and yoga philosophy to a group of philanthropists. Interesting questions came up and it made me realize how strong the longing is inside people for the healing effects of yoga and meditation. In my experience the powerful influence and healing potential of these tools are immeasurable. It's undeniably necessary for every person wanting to free themselves from their shadowy past.

The practice of yoga is the ability to focus the mind on something active, so it can eventually quiet down by surrendering control to its higher self. It's meditation in motion. A moving into stillness. By quieting the mind you gets to merge deeper with your authentic, untainted self. Recycling the illusions back to where they came from. Illusions or unconscious emotions that control our perception and take it hostage, controlling our existence, and resulting in us living in fear. Allowing for borrowed stories from the past to consume our reality of today, painting life with confusion. So much fear and confusion, we can't handle it, so we step out of our bodies, and spiraling upward, ungrounded and far away from the present moment.

For so many of us, we tend to live in the past, and so we bring the past pains with us, projecting those into the future, creating anxiety and fear. What if we will create the scary stuff from the past again in our future!

I came to realize in this sitting, whom this powerful person next to me was in an earlier stage of his life. He came from a past filled with deeply ingrained addictions, empty pursuits, and obsessions that ran him unconsciously. He needed help. He pursued yoga and meditation to heal. We all have work to do in this lifetime, otherwise we won't be here. The sooner we can wake up to the things we are meant to learn, the sooner those painful experiences move on. They will stop repeating themselves once you learn what you are meant to learn from them.

If we stay in a space of being unconscious, and numb, those painful experiencing linger, and they keep coming back again and again to wake us up. It's always so refreshing listening to someone in power speak about the imperfections of his life. The mistakes, the longings, and the waking-up-moments. It gives hope to people who are stuck, or feeling helpless.

As teachers we are responsible to share our story, our wisdom and the teachings.

Where would the world be without art? It paints the world with color. It creates music, play, dance, and stories for people to get lost in, escaping from the hardships of life. Stepping into another persons body, while watching a heartfelt movie, allows for suppressed emotions inside yourself to move. Giving ourselves permission to cry for someone else's painful experience on a screen can be a lot easier than, allowing ourselves to cry for our own painful experiences.

It gives our feelings a voice. It allows our hearts to feel through another persons experience. And so we heal, as these artists heal by expressing their deepest longings, pains, and joys. A world filled with fantasy, and make belief, yet filled with realness in each make belief moment. The beauty of creativity is priceless.

My teacher finally got through to me, after four years of working with him. He said, as an artists we simply must create. It's not always something we want to do. It is something we have to do, to move the energy from the past that still walks alongside us, our shadow. Sometimes overshadowing the reality of the day, seeing life as it's not truly. And other times it's barely noticeable.

Especially on the days consumed with our shadow, we must create. It's then when we feel most stuck, and have the least desire to create. If we choose to stay in that place, we stay in the uncomfortable emotions. We get so used to our own intensity that we forget life can be sweet and easy. Unconsciously we choose to sit in our emotions longer than what is necessary. Until we wake up and learn we don't have too. Until the day we wake up and push through the resistance and rebellion we so like to hide under. This all through the practice of yoga, art and meditation.

And so each artist that brings their life story, and share it through creativity, not only heal themselves, but heal each person who resonates with their story, their song or their dance. They bring life, color, and sound to the world. Imagine a world without art? Where would we be? No poetry and no philosophy. It will be a life lived from our minds and our senses would die an awful death.

Can we bow down to each artist, for enduring the challenges in their lives, and having the courage to express through the pain, liberating themselves from their own suffering. An industry so starved and undervalued. So many artists don't have the courage to share their work. Brilliance collecting dust on the shelves. Never to be admired and enjoyed. Some do face the fear of death, and express through it, sharing themselves in their most vulnerable states. Through the fear of rejection and abandonment. Artists are their own worse critics, as they can't see through the veil of their own illusions. Fogging up what's true and create false vision. And lets not forget a lack in seeing their own worth.

And so when you walk in this world, and happens to stand in front of a powerful and influential person, don't envy or judge them. Admire them. They've earned the energy they embody and radiate. The strong convictions and commitments towards themselves are honorable. It's not an easy road, but it comes with immense gifts and rewards. Artists sometimes wake up at four am, filled with inspiration, when the mind is most settled, and they create. They open to a deeper dimension and allow the energy from a higher place to guide them. Steer them into the beauty of their hearts. Where they feel most at home.

And so sitting next to this friend today, listening to a brief description of his life, where he came from, how he used yoga, meditation and music to build himself up from the inside, walking himself back whole again, was magnificent. Does it mean he is perfect and healed? No. It means he is a teacher, filled with life experience that can give courage, and hope to those who are in need.

Each time we endure a tough time in our lives, we receive an energy that brings power, wisdom, love and prosperity. And the more we have to walk through these experiences, the more we get gifted these magical energies. We keep standing a little taller, speaking a little louder, expanding more and more of our own healing energy, and so we become a magnet for those who needs a little encouragement. Does it mean we know everything? Does it mean I can heal you or take your pain away? No.

It gives me an opportunity to tell my story. And as I tell my story, and you have a similar story, your heart feels mine. And it opens. And we heal together.

Powerful people earn the energy they embody. Wise people earn the wisdom they share. Influential people earn the ability to influence others. When you are in the presence of a powerful, heartfelt person, remember, they have worked hard for where they are at.

And so I am deeply grateful to meet people all around that influence me, that inspire me, that makes me feel I am on the right path. I am where I am meant to be. Broken, unbalanced, or sometimes even a little crazy. And that's all ok. We are all walking ourselves whole. We might as well give each person their own personal space to do so, at their own time. And not get involved. Staying true to the road under you. Sharing life with many others, on a similar road, with a similar goal, all heading in the same direction. Here is celebrating YOU and your hard work till now. Your commitment to your own evolution, to speaking your truth, to living with an open heart, and saying yes to life.

Show up for it. All of it. It has a lot to offer and teach you. Just like this man I shared space with today. Thank you for reminding me that it's OK for me to be all of me.

Not just parts of me. ALL OF ME.

I exist

I took a yoga class today, something I haven't done in quite some time. My body thanked me. I've used the past three years to meditate, heal and study energy. Cultivating a deeper sense of being. It's a journey I desperately needed to take. Before I started meditating I used to practice yoga daily, exercise daily, and my focus on my body was out of balance, comparing to the rest of me. The bigger part of my existence lacked my attention. The obsession came from a need to look perfect for someone outside myself. My mother, my boyfriend, my friend, my teacher, and whomever else crossed my path. I held them responsible to love me, to validate me, to support me, and felt I needed to show up perfectly for such an exchange.

And as I stepped onto this healing journey, moving inward, I discovered a lot of personal pursuits that just didn't fit so well with me anymore. Like this pursuit for perfection, with the hope I can be loved in return. Instead I'd rather do things because I wanted to enjoy them. Now that was a great epiphany! This, specifically speaking about exercise...

Sadly I realized going through this new paradigm shift, I had a huge lack in commitment to do anything for myself! Looking good for myself seemed ridiculous at the time. I didn't see the value in it. I didn't see my value!! I lacked the desire to make an effort, or work hard for myself!

I needed something outside myself... what was THAT all about?

In my study around women and the lineages we were born into, I found a pattern. So many of us feel we simply must obey someone outside ourselves, we simply must give up parts of ourselves, our dreams, our hopes, our truths, even our homes, to be loved. In other lifetimes we weren't looked upon as equal. Our voices hold little or no importance. Our feelings warranted no attention. Our bodies were looked upon as just an object to be used and enjoyed for simple pleasures. Who we were inside, didn't exist in that world. Those dark times left an imprint on our soul's journey. Karmic patterns ingrained so deep, it may take many incarnations to eradicate such strong energies out of our existences.

What does this mean for a woman living in these times? A constant reminder that we are not that anymore. Who we are today is vastly important. Our energies are not that which anyone can use or abuse. We don't have to be open, without boundaries, to allow any and all to take from us. To take that which belongs to us. Our light, our healing energy, our bodies, and our souls, to use it without respect or honor. It's a constant reminder that I don't need to change the way I walk, talk, teach, or move in this world, for love. We are of utmost importance. We are deeply valued by society. Can we begin to allow ourselves to see this truth? The energy we carry is part of that which forms this world. May we embrace the beauty of our existence and hold on to what is!

Remembering the energy that we carry inside, is oh so special. This has been such a trying journey for me, to remember I am so much more than what has been projected onto me since birth. I am not the truth of another person. I am not the projection of another person. Just because there was a lack of love growing up, doesn't mean I am unlovable. Just because someone don't see my value, doesn't mean I am not valuable. When are we going to wake up to these truths and embody them, deep deep within each cell in our bodies?

I used to be the greatest chameleon that lived on this planet. I became that which I thought I needed to be. Each moment I would show up differently. To impress, to be perfect, and to be loved. It has taken a better part of my life to realize I don't need to become something other than who I truly am. I gave up my identity at a very young age. Because my soul already knew then, it wasn't important to be identified by anything external. And yet my mind has been in pursuit to find myself through the chaos of this world. So I can belong somewhere. Resulting in energies polarizing within. I simply must belong somewhere to feel valued. What a sad sad pursuit. Thank God for a waking up from this nightmare, remembering I don't need to belong to something outside myself to exist.

I exist. I exist, and I belong to myself.

These questions kept me looking, and searching for the one I left behind so long ago.

Who am I? What do I like? What do I want to do? Where am I going?

The 'I AM' was missing. I didn't care much about the 'I AM', then. “I will be whoever you want me to be. Just love me and don't leave me!” And of course this would drop me into abusive environments. One after the other. Why? Because I saw so little value in who I am, that I didn't expect anything better.

The 'I AM' didn't exist without you...

Sometimes I would just sit in a daze, looking back at the choices I made. Can't believe how deeply buried I was underneath the illusions, away from the truth and vision of who I truly am. The preciousness of my being was hidden far away from my true perception.

Because I've walked this walk, I am seeing women all around me still believing they are of little, or no importance. And so I am here to teach you differently. I am here to teach you about empowerment. It's much more fun and freeing! Walking through the fire has given me a lot of gifts.

And so today, I am in love. I'm smiling without cause.

I am aware. I feel the wind blowing through my hair.

I am grounded. I feel myself sinking deep into the earth.

And oh, did I mention, I am in love? As I focus on this feeling it magnifies, and drops me into a state of pure bliss. This brings a desire to do what feels expansive within myself!

I've started taking better care of my body! Like this yoga class I took today.

I'm letting life in again. Letting the sun it. Letting the LOVE in. Streams of energy flows through my body while practicing yoga. Now the words I speak in my classes aren't empty words. They come from deep experience.

I embody.

Even when I don't speak those words in my classes, the energy I embody radiate out, and touches deeper parts of you. It's not about verbally communicating at all. It's about embodying the energy, becoming what you wish to communicate. And you communicate, without the need for words. A gift onto you.

I am being more present with the needs of my body. And today I am doing it for ME!!!! Because I am in love with how it feels. Not because I am obsessively trying to do this for something outside of myself. And I am letting go of this age old illusion that haunted me for most my life. Who I am is valuable. That includes my body, my energy, my time, and my wisdom. And so there is less of a need for someone outside myself, to remind me of my value. Less needing to give away my energy, my body, or my truth. Like we as women used to do in other lifetimes.

Today I am showing up for myself. And re-learning what it means to be a woman in this world. In the face of conflict and projections all around. Oh, and lets not forget the abuse of power. They are such great teachers. The projections are merely a sign of where others are at, in their lives.

And I'm learning it has nothing to do with me. I am only responsible for how I respond.

I am what I believe. Not what you believe of me.

Letting go of 'FEAR' of letting go

In my internal evolution I noticed the past two years has brought experiences of deep exposure. The bridge between the astral plane and physical plane keeps getting thinner and thinner for me. Feeling open and vulnerable in the world has never been an easy thing for me. I grew up in an environment where it wasn't safe to be open, exposed and loud. My work in this life has taken me through many avenues where I had to stare that fear straight in the face. And walk across that bridge, feeling the predators luring under me in the water. Death ready to consume me and end my physical existence.

“I am in the spotlight. Everyone can see me. I have to speak. What if my voice won't do the job.”

And so life brought me careers and jobs and hobbies that will require me to lean into this fear and conquer. The fear of speaking in front of groups has inhibited me from studying the art of yoga for three some years, till I took the plunge. It was the year 2005. I lied to myself intending to just take the training without ever wanting to teach. I desperately wanted to teach yoga. I admire the yogis in the classroom, walking around confidently, beautifully, expressing themselves in their brilliance. I wanted that. I wanted to be that. And I never thought it possible. Not me. That is simply not my path. Its a dream for another person that carry those skills.

I heard a beautiful saying from my spiritual teacher a while back. We can only see in another what we have in ourselves. If I see power, ease, and creativity in you, I see that through my own 'beingness' in this world. Perhaps hidden, locked down in some unconscious vault inside me, are those gifts yet to discover.

I loved the training. It changed my perception of life. I felt right at home. Still the fear of sharing my voice in a crowd was outweighing the desire to lead others. I am drawn to a career that will bring me experiences I dread, like death itself. Why can't life be easier and bring you a desire for something you're more comfortable with?

Well, why would a soul re-incarnate into a body, into this world, re-living, and re-learning qualities it's already a master of? We are here once more to study and learn the things we are in need of. To become more balanced, more whole and free, like never before. I do get that. If only it was less painful. I understand that through the pain and challenge we grow, we transform and become all we are inside flowering outward, becoming a gift onto this world. We simply must continue on our path. Without question.

I started testing my voice in small groups out in nature, leading a few friends through yoga, exchanging by donation. It was scary. It took all of my energy to walk towards this moment to lead them through a class. I would sit in my car, sweat, shake, obsessing in my mind, listening to the voices in my head till my head spins out of control. Were I too quit, life would be simpler. We always have a choice. Yet something inside me pushed forward.

And each time after teaching a class I'd experience a bliss-like sensation I haven't felt before. A lightness, joy, and expansion. What was that??? Empowerment creeped each time I walked through the biggest fear of my life, realizing on the other side of it was success. I did it. I won. It took quite a while for those nerves to lessen. Some days it was almost unbearable, reminding me of my struggle with panic attacks in an earlier part of my life. Other days it would be almost effortless, my mind was quiet, and I felt more trust. It kept sneaking in bit by bit.

Each time I step up in life, risking more, I find myself back at square one. Anxious just like my first class, just now in an actual yoga studio. The nerves didn't go away and the judgments from my own critic inside stayed with me for weeks to follow. I would beat myself up internally for not showing up in perfection.

Such a shame as this pursuit of perfection is completely unattainable. We can never arrive at this destination. So it's a pursuit that will always leave us disappointed. At the time it seemed important. To be perfect and lovable. Because in this space of imperfection I am not that. Lovable. I simply must be perfect to experience the energy of love in my life. How sad, looking back, realizing I spilled so much energy outward because of it.

It took another 500 hours, and more, to start gaining confidence in my voice. More and more classes started to snuck in weekly. On one beautiful afternoon walking home after teaching, it struck me how much healing has occurred. I barely use any of my personal energy before class worrying about class, and I gain a whole universe of energy as an exchange. And each time I teach, being deeply consumed in the present moment, is in fact the deepest meditation I've ever experienced. How I feel prior to, after class, is radically different. Wow.

I am ruled by a fire sign, my rising a fire sign, and moon an earth sign. This fire and strong spirit inside this body seem to have kept pushing me upward, as if enjoying each challenge, each fear-given moment. I can't seem to relax after one accomplishment. Each time I feel victorious, I was looking for the next mountain to climb. A good addiction to have, I would say. And so I added workshops, immersions, yoga and meditation trainings. And lets not forget retreats.

In my study around energy and people, starting with myself, I begin to see patterns. Each new height in my life, must be reached through a similar painful experience. I would hit the same terror inside, and the fear of being exposed. The fear of being seen in the spotlight. The fear of not knowing if my voice will show up the way I want it too. And then the fear would spiral bigger in my mind, bringing all the judgements. What if people see the fear in me, and judge or reject me?

Especially now, after eight years of teaching. Being a veteran teacher brings more of my own judgements. “I must surely be over this fear by now,”

It is part of me. It makes me who I am. It is who I am.

As much as my constitution is strong, I am hyper sensitive. And highly intuitive. The energy of anxiety and intuition are only a few degrees different. It's a shift in perception. If I can love the energy of anxiety I feel it in my body, it becomes intuition. Then bring love and anxiety and mix them together. They turn into compassion, and the gift of seeing beyond the surface of life. A deeper way of feeling and residing in this world. And the more I meditate and do my spiritual work, the more I feel the energy of the world.

I feel everything. I feel you. I feel everything about you.

And as I continue to open to a deeper dimension of life, experiencing life in a more subtle, expanded way, its like I'm living in a another dimension, while residing in the physical, I feel more and more exposed. As they vail of the astral plane and physical plane gets thinner. I begin to see more, feel more, experience more. Things are brighter, more vivid. You are more beautiful. Ah, the heart is opening!

And as all these beautiful shifts occur, my mind seem to fear the old fear again.

I feel exposed. I am deeply exposed, open, and standing in full vulnerability!!

I am becoming more and more intimate with the world around me. This all in the face of this fear I know so intimately. I keep dancing, going back and forth, with feelings of high bliss states, and fearful anxiety filled moments. It's a switch in awareness. Its all how I like to direct my focus.

And then I remember that this journey is meant to be shared with you. This journey that I've walked till now. These painful, scary moments are all so worth it, when I can express the teachings I have learnt on the way with you. You, in desperate need to hear. To know there is hope. Anything is possible. With hard work, conviction and determination, all is reachable. We can all have the dream we once thought impossible.

We can be that which we admire in life. We already are that. We must simply trust the order of this life. We must not give in to the fear our mind holds, and remember its all a game this life we are in. Just watch it. Be part of it. Don't become the fear. Just allow it to be there. Let it have it's moment in the spotlight, then let it move.

I am not my fear. I feel it moving through me at times. I am not my emotions or my feelings. They are just something I experience for a moment in time. And if I give them a voice, a place to become a reality, and not push it away, it seem to stay small, exactly what they are. Small moments I get to experience on this journey. And lets not forget the bigger reason for them existing. They are there so I get to experience them, so I get to teach about them.

I am a teacher of life. My life. I experience. I teach. I learn. I teach. I heal. I teach.

So stop fighting against the order of life. Resistance can be, oh so painful at times. I will continue to stand tall in my imperfections, my fear, my joy, my expansion, my past, the present and what is yet to come. And I will continue to love, especially love those parts of myself I have given little or no love to in the past.

Each time I walk through the terror, my voice seem to hold more power. The ability to move energy with my voice has become obvious to me. They say our biggest obstacles become our biggest gifts. If everything you want in on the other side of this mountain, would you brave climbing over it? How much would you risk/work for the things you truly desire? In the face of judgements, rejections, and who knows, maybe even pushing you to stand alone in this big world?

Can you love yourself in the spaces of deep and vulnerable exposures?

Being Happy Today

Today as I'm sitting down looking over projects and opportunities for this year, a smile forms on my face. I pause for a moment to take that in. A breath filled with sweetness, rises and falls. I feel a change in the air. Something mystical has arrived. Or has always been. Just now with the openings happening in myself I am able to feel it's presence more. 
The past two years was tough in regards to work and love. Meaning there was a big lack of. And I'm sure the fear around a lack-of created more of the 'nothing' in my life. 
This is a great reference point for this shift I am feeling today. There is a shift happening, and I am sitting in the middle of it. Perhaps orchestrating it. The image that comes to mind is a big ocean ship starting it's engines and rudders. Slow and determined she begins to turn. And inside the bridge the big teakwood steering wheel spins clockwise, round and round. 

The boat gently starts to sway side to side, creaking a little, yet determined and steadfast. Creating waves that bounces of the sides of the boat, rippling far far out till they vanish over the horizon. Slow motions, yet big, with a power that surpasses the every day action. 

As I'm gazing towards the direction it's heading in, I find myself staring straight into the fire element, the bright sun nearing the horizon. Or is it the horizon nearing it? Birds flying across the sky creating cracks of black shadow in the sky. It reminds me of that titanic scene with Leo standing on the nose of the boat, arms spread wide,  palms facing forward and tilted upwards. Fingers reaching all the way to the sides of the earth. Big belly laughs that ripples from deep within. Wind blowing through my hair. And a feeling of anticipation. As something wonderful is about the happen. 
It's my time now. 
This year has my name written all over it. More expansion. Self Love. With my feet firmly rooted on this earth plane. Toes wrapped around the earth wrapping my roots around hers. Standing steady yet gently moving with the turning of the earth.
I am supported. I am deeply supported. I find myself sinking deeper into this connection. A softening in my bones. I am not living above her anymore. 
It's my time now. To harvest. To sow. To reap. 
To allow all I've worked so hard for to be rewarded and handed back to me. I am so excited for this life. It has always been mine. It will always be mine.  And mine alone. I know what's best for me. 
Solitude.
A gift I worked hard for. A place I get to commune with spirit, with my creativity and where I get to feel the true essence of love I have within me.
And in this place I find myself opening and letting the fun it. It's not just a thought anymore. The 'pushing away' and the 'being closed of' to the world and it's people is gone. I left it on top of yesterdays sun, while setting in the west. I don't need the isolation anymore. 
I have a tremendously deep love for my friends, and this community that I call my true family. I have fallin' in love with my life. 
I have found joy in the present moment. Something I've been wanting for a very long time. And in this place I realized that I am not willing to give up anything for love. I love this life. I love LA. I love my family. I am here to stay. South Africa will always be there. SA was my deep longing because I was unhappy in myself, and blaming LA for it. I don't know what the future holds. I do know it will be filled with self love, equality, teaching, and deeply connected to self.
It is so interesting how we can have a desire or a longing for so long, just to wake up one day, and it being all gone. It means that longing or desire or want was not something from the heart, it was coming from a place of lack. 
A place of lack inside myself, and with a hope that something outside can fill that. And today that longing is gone. I feel fulfilled, happy, and at peace. It's a very powerful place to sit in. There is nothing to attain, or do. I am full. There is just this moment. And oh, so sweet she feels. 

Relationships

What is this need? Today I question this tiny voice inside my head.

Is there truly a need for someone outside of me? I find myself in a familiar longing again. It's on the surface though. Can it be that I feel I need to be like everyone else, and long for a normal life? Where one is in relationship, and building a family and grow old together?

I'm worried others will judge me, because I judge and question my desire for solitude. “Shouldn't I desire being in a relationship or in a family situation”? In those times I forget who I truly am, and make other people's opinions and truths my own. I get caught up in the pursuit for connection. And every now and then something grabs me by the collar and pulls me back into reality.

I am not that. I am not that. I am not that.

I don't fit into society in this way. Thank god for that. I don't have a strong desire to be in relationship. This is my truth. I am deeply content with my life. I feel balanced. I feel whole. I am a being with everything I need inside me. I love my freedom. I love the energetic space I create for myself and reside in.

And so today I question this need that I feel at times. It's not real. It's actually quite small. Barely existing. Where do you come from? What is it that you would like to express to me today? I'm give you your moment in the spotlight now. Shining a big light onto you. Speak to me, and then off you go to another place far far away, where you belong.

I am the creation of balance. Masculine and feminine resides inside me. I fulfill my existence by showing up for the one inside. I follow my own dreams and my own hearts desires. I create ample space to fulfill those desires. And it's not being self centered, as it's more centered in self, and so centered in existence and its people.

It's called freedom. Freedom to be. Freedom to express. Freedom to walk where my path takes me. To run wild and high on life. To savor the beauty of belonging to the world.

I was in a relationship with a wonderful man for a few months. It didn't last long, as I started feeling caged in. He wasn't caging me in. It was I realizing I don't fit into his dream of us being together. What he wanted, is not who I am. For most people's desires, its the most beautiful life he promised. Having a family, doing things together, kids, a home etc.

I am not that.

And so I question this experience and wanting to see what it was trying to teach/show me.

This small voice inside me, this need I still have at times to be with a man, has brought this on.

And so as I let go of this need to belong to something other than myself. The world opens, and I will see connections and relationships with everything and everyone around me. Fulfilling connections, without needing to give up anything about myself, or my freedom. I've never truly been a relationship type person. I reside happily in solitude.

So in giving up the need for connection, it will usher in a ton more connections, true connections. Connections that enhance my life, not take away anything I care about. Relationships that I can share myself in, and stand in the place of solitude, within it. Now that feels more true to my heart. I am accepting who I am more and more. I allow the judgements to burn away with each sunny day. Purifying my mind of confusion, so I can remember I am uniquely different.

And who I am and how I feel is important. Even when I stand alone. 

Solitude

I'm standing at the bluffs in Santa Monica, over looking the ocean and the Santa Monica pier. A notice a feeling comes over me, carried in by the wind. A feeling from a memory of long ago. A day in the year 2000, just after my arrival in America, with all of my belongings, to start a whole new life with a man I was madly in love with at the time. We were standing on this exact same spot 14 years ago, gazing over the ocean and sand. I was so young then. 21 years old, and I had no idea what I wanted to make of this life. 

All I knew was I was searching for love. This man I looked up to was my ticket to just that. I looked up to him in so many ways. He was my first real big love. I travelled across the world to be with him. We spend a year apart in a long distance relationship, and I eventually moved out to be with him. I remember how beautiful everything looked in Santa Monica. The street signs were so big, the trees so beautiful, and the people so different. 

I remembered a fine Saturday afternoon.  After we had a few drinks, we decided to rollerblade down to the Santa Monica pier. Of course I've only been on rollerblades maybe twice in my life at the time, and it wasn't a good sight! The road leading to the pier was all downhill. And I went for it. Speeding down, fearlessly and invincible. Just like I felt arriving on this new ground. Nothing else mattered to me at the time. I was in love. 

Close to the pier I started swirling around and fell to the ground in a big dramatic mess. I guess alcohol must be a painkiller as I don't recall feeling bruised from this magnificent fall. I had scars to show, yet, no pain! Laughingly I got up and continued down hill, as if the fall never happened. This was a great indication of my state of mind at the time. Careless and free. 

It was some of the best times of my life. The world was ours to entertain. 

That was the foundation of our 6 year long relationship. Adventure, play and social. 

I wish I was able to let go and enjoy, completely. I did for parts of our time together, yet I wasn't able to fully surrender and trust. The voices in my head were very loud at the time. I used to look at him and admired how he navigated through life, effortlessly, playfully and trusting. I want that! I've always wanted that! He gave me love, and I was just too afraid to receive.  I just couldn't trust it. 

And so this intention started for me. To let go and let life move through me. Let go. Open arms. Open heart. Free falling! It was such a foreign concept for me at the time. To let go and trust. 

He met life with an unwavering strength and confidence. He believed he could do anything. As an actor, he never doubted his ability to learn a new skill and master it. That confidence was super attractive and inspiring. Sadly through the years of being together I kept feeling smaller and smaller next to him. I didn't had it in me to sustain the ground I stood on. My focus was on him. I needed validation, and my family and friends were too far to get that from them. So I made him responsible for my happiness, my worth and feeling loved. 

There was love between us.  And I'm realizing today, the exchange was off. We lived high on our addictions. We weren't able to sustain joy and love inside ourselves. We partied and socialized in the Hollywood scene. The last two years of our togetherness I started pulling away from that scene. I felt the need to find healing. To find balance. I was gone. I lost myself in the desperate need to belong to something or someone other than myself. 

It was a very painful split for us both. It was one of the most incredible experiences in my life and also the most painful. The relationship was filled with extremities. It was a wild ride. One I will do again and again and again, even knowing it broke my heart. I remember something he said then. The pain is the reward from being truly in love. It showed us how deep our love runs. How strong our connection was. How special our relationship was. And that stuck with me and will forever. 

The pain made me realize, even through the fear of abandonment, I did love. There was beauty between us. There was innocence between us. There were two people connected as best friends and enjoying life, grabbing every opportunity there was to live life to the fullest. It was a playground. 

I wasn't able to deal with all the pain after our split. And as one do, we burry the pain. We forget. We think we deal. We do cry, we feel, we release, and still, you burry some of it. Like a dog burry a bone, just this, not so much fun to uncover. I know  now that letting go of the pain, doesn't mean letting go of him, or the good times.  The memories and that time of my life will only get brighter and more beautiful as I let the pain go. It's like letting go to truly have. To truly honor this magical time we had. And will always have deep inside my heart. 

This man brought me to LA. Where would I be today if I'd never taken that plane to LA 14 years ago? What I've learnt in this relationship, what I've studied throughout the past 14 years, and the teacher I've become is such a fulfilling exchange. And most of all, it gave me solitude. 

It gave me the gift of solitude. 

I've overcome my fear of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Solitude is the place where I get to love myself without any distractions. The place I get to create, and hear spirits voice. The place I get to connect with spirit undisturbed. The comfort I've discover in solitude is the most grandest gift life can ever offer anyone. It empowers you and lifts you up to a whole new dimension. It opens you to experience life through an expanded reality. If one can be comfortable in a place of solitude, one has arrived. This is where life truly begins. 

In the end the most important things in life are only experienced alone. Birth, death, our connection to God, our creative expression, and self love. So for this gift I am forever grateful to you. Thank you for being in my life for 6 years, riding a roller coaster to the extreme.  It sculpted my life and left me changed forever. I understand why I had to walk this path with you. Each lesson. Every tear. Every belly laugh. I get it in totality. 

Now as I'm ushering in a new way of being in the world and in relationships, I have found myself inside a relationship. I am not lost. I am deeply and fully connected to myself, in solitude, and at the same time, sharing myself. 

I find myself in solitude within myself and in relationship with the world. It's called BALANCE 

I love how life is like a puzzle and each experience and moment is there for a very important reason. I get it. I get life mostly when I stand back and gaze over my journey and see how it all fits. Sometimes during a certain experience I don't get it, and as much as I don't get it, I'm beginning to trust that at the right time I will. 

Love Concussion

Love seemed to have knocked on my door and this time I opened. It came in silently with a force that hit so hard it gave me a heart concussion.

It spun me round and round till it dropped me on to a foreign land. I don't recognize where I'm at. Yet it feels like home. I am home in a foreign land. I see Impressions of what's to come written in a language from an earlier time.

A longing has been answered. I've never felt so lost and joyful at the same time. This type of lost I welcome with open arms. Lost in the deeper layers of my heart. A falling into love. I finally gave up the fight to resist this beauty from flowing in. It came unannounced, even in the face of anticipation. It came and re-arranged my life.

Spinning. I'm spinning. I will have to see in which direction the arrow will face once the turning, round and round comes to a halt.

This one is a game changer. Can I permit the player inside to play in this new game of enchantment and bliss? And forget about the agendas the smaller one has in store? I feel it's confusion pressing against my heart.

Life has brought me what I've longed for my whole life. A contract in you, I see. Bound together by a love that is much greater than us. Something magnetized us towards each other, and so, here we stand.

Facing each other. What do one do when your biggest wish arrived after thirty four years of longing?

A whisper in my ear. "Receive it, you're ready!" Is what I hear...

Paralyzed by its beauty and power. So deeply fulfilling to the eyes of mine. I know you. Intimately. From forever, till now, and into eternity.

I am receiving you standing here before me. Receiving you in your magnitude. Stay grounded I desperately try to remind myself. Or may I float into the clouds, and enjoy this package at my doorstep? Enjoy this newfound beauty for a moment or two? Letting go of my grip of what should be done. Let go and feel. Let go and receive. Let go and allow. Just let go.

I welcome each tear, each heartache, each lonely hour, each painful encounter for it prepared me for you. I have become the love I see before me. Meeting, merging in equality.

 Am I awake in my own dream?

The space you're creating in this union, will guide me into deep, deep surrender. Towards a love that I've never experienced before. A love that is so big, I will get lost in it. This love will demand my ego to surrender. There is no choice.

I missed you. I have always loved you. Welcome home inside my heart!

Letter From Africa

This journey in Africa is well on its way. I find myself back at the place where life started for me. With a feeling of being in the middle of another life. This one belongs to me, and then there is Los Angeles.

The culture here is so different, yet so familiar. It doesn't take much for me to remember a life I used to be part of. A culture I help created with my presence. My roots in Africa will always be deeply engrained inside me. It is where life started for me. Where I took my first breath. Received my first ray of sunlight. Placed my first footprint, wobbly I may ad. My first experience of many more things to repeat.

I've been living in America almost half my life! And it made me realize how foreign I feel. Do I belong in Africa? Do I belong in America? That has always been the search for me. A place to belong. And in my search I have realize we don't belong to a place or a person. We belong to ourselves. It is here, inside where we can feel we are home. When we truly feel at home inside, we are free. Home is where the heart is. For a long time I have lost my heart, perhaps left it in Africa and kept walking further and further away from it. And now I'm starting to see it has always been here. All I needed to do was allow it to beat on it's own rhythm. The more I tried to fit in somewhere the more I felt lost and isolated. The more encounters I have experienced that tried to wake me up to this realization. I am home. I have always been home.

It all feel so foreign and deeply familiar at the same time. And today I have the power to be happy, no matter where in the world. No matter with or without people around. There is no difference for me. The place of power is feeling deep in my heart, that I have no need for anything external to feel whole or loved or at home.

I still have these moments of old behaviors, and then I remember I am here today. I am not that of yesterday. And today I am at home inside my heart.

Ah, and then there is this question that is always in the background. Am I going to return to this land again one day? Her calling doesn't seem to go away. Is this call an addiction to an older life I can't part with? Or is this the call of the land, giving me a glimpse of what's to come?

A three sixty. A journey that took me away from Africa, to find myself, so I can return and be the woman I've given up long long ago, and have been in search of since then.

Did I really had to leave, to discover her?

And so today I see a life filled with freedom. Freedom to be. Freedom to express. Freedom to love and be loved.

Can it be that simple? A choice. I get to choose freedom.

I want to feel free has been my cry for most my life. Can it be that all I needed to realize is that I am free.

This journey is bringing lots of changes through external influences. A sudden shift in direction. New ideas and glimpses of what's to come. Connecting the dots from my life. Seeing how each experience and encounter is taking me somewhere. Preparing me for the next thing. And the next thing. And the next.

This might be the first visit to Africa where I feel I am not depended of another to feel happy. I get to choose how I want to spend my day. Instead of waiting for others to complete my day. I don't feel a need for much. I'm not planning too much. I'm just here. I get to work. To rest. To meditate. To social. To write. To see family. To be alone. To exercise. I see how I can continue to work without being in the states physically. It's showing me my future. A gift. An offering to still my worry. And my nagging mind of needing to understand everything of the future today.

It shows me what I need to know today. So now I'm practicing knowing that is all I need to know. And so as this journey continues across the world, filled with journeys outward and inward. Who is with me?